on the edge again
Friday, January 13, 2012
I've had eating problems all of my life. Most of the time I've been a bit overweight, but there have been times I was underweight as well. Leading up to those times I would get frustrated with myself, almost to the point of hating myself, and use exercise and food restriction as a messed up form of punishment. If I would make a mistake by eating something and later regretting it I would purge.
A few years ago I lost my job and began over eating. I slowly started putting on weight and then some medication I was on for my depression caused my thyroid to get out of control which caused me to gain almost 90 pounds in three months. This past year I've lost 95.
A few weeks ago someone that used to be a very close friend of mine, actually my dominant, saw me after I lost nearly 90 pounds. He said that he will consider me to be healthy enough to play with again when I'm back below 150 pounds (another 45 to go). Since he said that a part of me has been questioning if I should simply starve myself in order to loose the weight so that he will play with me again. I know that sounds insane and I've fought with myself over this idea.
On New Year's Day his wife, that was also my dominant, died. Two years ago They had pushed me away because of my mental health issues and told me to come back to them when I was healthy. I never really got to reconnect with her. By the time they found out she had cancer she was unable to communicate. In a number of ways it is killing me that I missed out on the last two years of her life.
I find myself again questioning if I should simply starve myself for a couple of months to loose the weight so that I don't miss out on more time with him. For a few days last week I was so depressed that I didn't eat much and I started loosing half a pound to a pound each day. I noticed I wasn't eating as I should and began forcing myself to eat, but now I'm not loosing the weight like I was. I know it is really messed up, but I can't stop thinking about severely restricting again. Today I've had less than 700 calories and, although I know I should eat something else, I simply don't want to. I have almost convinced myself that I was somehow a better person during the times I severely restricted.
On top of this I put on a corset today that I haven't been able to wear in the past two years and I look and feel horrible in it because of my loose skin. I really wanted to wear that corset to the upcoming lifestyle memorial service for my former Mistress that died since she was the one that helped me pick it out, but I feel so horrible in it that I'm questioning if there is a way for me to wear it and not hate myself.