STARDUSTD
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I binged again

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

I did pretty well the past 2 days and up until this evening. I was really hungry by dinner time tonight and am sure that's partly why I overate. I felt a little guilty but decided to move on and not beat myself up about it. Then I discovered that my mom had let the opened box of sour gummy candies she'd bought on the table. I have a MAJOR weakness for sour gummies.

It was bad.

They weren't even good. They were stale and not too flavorful. But that didn't stop me. I felt so bad as I ate that I just kept going. Maybe I was punishing myself for messing up. I ignored the voice in my head telling me to stop. I ate to the point of feeling sick, and then ate a bit more.

This is the 3rd binge that I can remember within the past week alone. The residual guilt from last week tells me that the number's actually likely higher than 3. Is it good that I recognized at the time the thoughts and emotions I was experiencing that led me to open the candy? Is it good that I recognized at the time that it was a bad idea? that it would turn into a binge? that I was telling myself I'd be able to stop and knew full well that I wouldn't?

Or does it make it that much sicker that I recognized all that, AT THE TIME, and did it anyway?

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

ETA:
~~Immediately~~ after posting this blog, I binged again, on roughly 3300 calories. That's for the binge, not the day.
Same awareness of thought processes as written above, in this very blog. Same.

No amount of extra cardio can make up for this. emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • SCHUBERTR1
    I do not know you and therefore do not know what is causing your inner turmoil but I do know how self depreciating a binge is. I also know that many people have this idllyic image of how their life will be when they lose weight, get skinny, etc. Unfortunately your weight has little to do with the fact that you hate your job, are in an unhappy relationship, have poor self-esteem, etc. (again I am not pretending to understand your unique situation). People think that when they lose weight all of the things they were unhappy with in their life will magically improve. When this doesn't happen and we realize how hard it is to actually maintain the weight loss we often give up. What do you really want from your life?
    1932 days ago
  • HEALTHY_JR
    I know you've been in a rough place emotionally this week, and even before this week. I hope you're not beating yourself up too much today. Let the guilt go, and move forward the best you can. I know that's easier said than done. It hurts to read this because I know you're doing the opposite of what you want to do. We've all been there in some way or another. It's human nature. I hope you can find the support you need to pull yourself out...we are here for you!
    1932 days ago
  • LITTLEBO
    That was painful to read...because I've done it myself. Sorry if I am stepping out of line, because I don't know you, but have you considered a support program like OA?
    1933 days ago
  • LACIGIRL1
    When I do things like that I recognize it and it really doesn't deter me. I think the important thing is recognizing your triggers and getting rid of them! Tell your mom to not leave things around like that. If my mom buys treats I make her keep them in her room. What's really sick though, is sometimes I used to force myself to eat something even if I didn't want it. I'd be sitting on the couch thinking hmm...I don't want to eat those cookies. Why don't I want to go eat those? That's so weird, I should be wanting those cookies but I don't. I better go eat them. I force myself to eat like that, at least I used to. Now THAT is sick!!

    1933 days ago
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