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To love something that death can touch


Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Maybe I'm not that much of a bad person as I always thought. Maybe my heart is lighter than I knew and maybe I love my father more than I thought. As of tonight, my stepmother died in the hospital. I have mentioned her in some of my blogs and if you know me a little, you might know that we were less than friends. We were able to live together for some days during the holidays and were able not to fight during these days, but basically we were two very different persons who did not get along with each other well. We just had a very different view about life in general.
Tonight, as my father told me, they had to bring her to the hospital because things went really bad - she had pulmonary fibrosis (do you call it like that in English? Dunno.) and tonight she choked on it and died because of it.
I feel sorry for her children, she left two daughters, one of them with a severe mental illness who has to be taken care of a lot, and she of course left my father. He is now alone again, in this big house (although this time he has a dog. They bought a dog together not nearly a year ago). I cried, I am so sorry for them. I hope that she is at peace now, and because I know that she believed that the soul lives on after death and may reincarnate, I hope that her soul is at peace now and that all pain was taken away from her. I might not have liked her, but I have seen her suffer and I genereally do not wish for anybody to suffer.
He loved her and I know that, I heard his broken voice talking to me on the phone early this morning. I immediately checked my bank account, I could afford to go to him if I use my savings, but he wants me to stay home. I know that he is nobody who likes to grief in company, so I respect his wish, but I will watch him and if I notice that he gets too weak, I might go on the weekend nonetheless.



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"Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am the thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints on snow
I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you waken in the morning’s hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of gentle birds in circling flight
I am the soft star that shines at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry—
I am not there, I did not die."

(Irish saying)
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
VYVIENN 1/20/2012 10:18AM

    Lio, sorry to just now get caught up on the blogs... I'm sorry to hear about your stepmom passing and that you're so worried about your dad. How are things going for the both of you?

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CINNAMONCAT9 1/16/2012 10:11AM

    Liocoro: I got your note back with more information. I am still very worried about your dad, and of course, about you too. I wish that it were easier for you to travel there to see him. Six hours is a long trip, but time goes quickly when you have to do something like this. I hope that if your father wishes to have you with him that he can maybe help a little with the financing. Hugs, friend. emoticon

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CINNAMONCAT9 1/15/2012 10:31AM

    I am so tremendously sorry. You know that I understand....most of us do. Sadly, to love is to also suffer. You are blessed to be able to support your beloved dad.

This weekend, or soon: go to your dad. Hold his hand, look him in the eyes, and tell him how sad you are that he lost the lady that he loved.

We all like to grieve alone to a degree...how is it that you know this about your dad? had you lost your mom?

I want to know more, and I am terribly sad for you today. Even if a step parent drives us insane, we love them in an odd way even---for loving our parent. I get it. and I love you, honey.

Take care. I am waiting for updates.

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VW_STEPH 1/11/2012 5:05PM

    What a powerful saying. Ouch!
I'm sorry to hear the bad news. :( You're not a bad person at all and yes you do have a heart. Obviously. ;)
Sending love and strength for both you and your father. emoticon xx

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JUSTME29 1/11/2012 8:44AM

    I"m so sorry. I know your dad must be really struggling as well as her children. It's good for you to respect his wishes in leaving him alone, but don't leave him alone too much or too long. No matter how strong a person is, this is a hard load to bear.

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