Monday, January 09, 2012
I've decided that I suffer from the probably not so rare condition called *Front Door Syndrome (FDS). FDS symptoms include losing all energy, drive, determination, etc. upon entering your front door. Other related conditions are *SDS (Side Door Syndrome) and *BDS (Back Door Syndrome) all with the same symptoms. I find that every day on the drive home I have energy and determination to do whatever it is I want to get done. Laundry, cleaning, cooking a nice dinner, going for a walk...you name it I'm ready to do it. But as soon as I walk through the front door it's as if all my energy is drained. Like I ran home rather than drove. Its like the sight of a couch is enough to make me lazy.
I'm not happy about this. In fact I'm pretty disappointed in myself. I've gained weight, undone all the work I did with my trainer, and I feel icky most of the time. In fact it's to the point where I'm emotionally eating all the time at home. I've completely reverted into bad old habits and I hate it. I've got chicken and salad makings going to waste in the fridge while I eat out or buy junk food. The weather has been unseasonably warm yet I never set foot outside for a walk. My T/TH Zumba class doesn't start up again until February and I've done nothing to fill the void. I spend Monday-Thursday sitting around and feel totally exhausted when I finally do work out on the weekends. I'm so mad at myself that I eat more! Its like I'm punishing myself with what made me unhappy in the first place! I'm angry enough to admit this to all of the Sparkpeople world. Which, btw, I haven't touched SP in forever. I haven't touched any helpful resource in forever. I just keep setting unreachable goals and getting down on myself when I can't achieve them. I'm doing all the classic "don'ts" of losing weight and being healthy. All the things I know are wrong. It's awful.
I'm full of excuses too. "Winter is depressing." Well not this winter. It's practically spring! "Oh I'm craving chocolate cause I'm PMSing." News flash...I crave chocolate all the time! It's instantly gratifying. Duh. Why not crave something good that you can control. Bad day? Having something tasty. "I'm just lazy." Lazy is a decision, not a state of being. I could go for a walk, or do the dishes, or practice Zumba, or do whatever it is I need to if I would just do it. There is no reason to sit around and watch 8 episodes of MASH in a row...on DVD. I could watch it anytime! "Well I'm not trying to impress anyone." Well that's just not true at all. I know very well I'd love to impress everyone, but that would mean working hard and taking a risk. What if I don't succeed? What if no one is impressed no matter what I do? Making a change is scary and it's much easier to pretend you don't care than take the leap. I've never been slim. Even though I don't love my size, it's who I've always been. I know that once I finally do reach a size I am happy with it will take a lot of work to maintain that and that thought is overwhelming. I've always had trouble just focusing on one small goal at a time.
This is just hard. We all know that. I know that. But I've just been so down on myself that I've been letting it build up and I'm just to a point I don't like being at. I just want to run away, but I know my problems will just follow me. If nothing else I've learned that a change in location or circumstances does not change who you are. I thought I'd be able to lose weight in college when my gym membership was free. No dice. I thought I'd lose weight the summer I lived alone at Geneseo when I could walk all the time and didn't have cable to distract me. Nothing. I thought I'd do better when I was getting three healthy meals a day as a nanny. Well I did hire a trainer, which helped, but I never made a single change to my eating habits so when I had to leave my trainer I gained everything back. I thought maybe living on my own might help, but this is the worst its ever been. No one around to judge me or see what and how much I eat. No one to know that I'm sitting around doing nothing. Its easier than ever to make late night chocolate runs with no dirty looks.
I used to hate when my mom would ask me "are you sure you want to eat that?" but now I wish someone would. I wish someone would sit on my shoulder and remind me that it's not worth it. Because every time I get in that argument with myself I lose. I know it's just mind over matter. I know I don't need chocolate or pizza. I know it really won't take that long to grill chicken or throw a salad together. I know I can eat as many veggies as I want without worrying about calories vs. chips or dip or anything else that's terrible for you. I KNOW. We all KNOW. But knowing and doing are different. How do you break yourself of bad habits? I know I've got to try one little thing at a time, but that's hard for me. I expect results. I don't like waiting. I know it has to happen slowly. I KNOW. That doesn't mean I'm happy about it. That's another argument I get in with myself. "Just think (I say to myself) by this time next year you could be a size 8 and proud of it." A year. That seems like forever from today...but like an instant from last January. It always goes by so quickly and I always end up thinking "now if you could have just stuck to it...you could be a size 8 right now."
Oh sure I know tomorrow is another day. It's never too late to start over. I KNOW. But I'm sick of just knowing. I want to start doing. But then again I've wanted that before. I've tried before. When is it going to work? Never if I stop trying. But what if it's never even when I do try? See that's what gets me in trouble. Thinking like that. The whole why bother if you are just going to fail? It's hard being your own worst enemy.
Gosh well I guess I needed to get a few things off my chest. I'm not even going to go back through this now. I'm just going to put it out there and be done with it. I'll look at it again tomorrow and try to sort it all out. I know basically that I need to start over. Clear my mind of all the negative, all the failures, and just start over. My future success is not dictated by my past, its dictated by my present, the decisions I'm making here and now. Nothing I've done before can change what I do right now. Thinking about how I got here won't change the fact that I'm here. It won't change the fact that I need to go forward. There is no where else to go but forward I suppose.
Well here's to moving forward.
May it suck just a little less than I expect it will and be more rewarding than I can even dream of.
Good night folks, and bless you if you actually read that whole thing.
*I'm not a doctor. I totally made all of those conditions up. Though I bet if I marketed it right I could get some university to do a study on it which, of course, will lead to some made up treatment for it (there is no cure) and then maybe I can star in some commercial about it where my depressed bathrobe or personal rain cloud follows me around all day. In any case, if you want a chuckle, search FDS in Google and see the wide variety of things it already stands for. Good times.