Monday, January 09, 2012

Why is it that everytime I start back at the gym (I'm addicted to quitting apparently) I get emotional?

I walk to the gym, as it's inside my work (and it's FREE!! Where are the excuses for not going??) and I'm DREADING it. I HATE the gym. It petrifies me. I feel like at any moment, I'll crumble I'm so scared. But when I walk out of there, I'm proud, I feel brave, and I just want to bawl.

Anyone else feel that way?

I mean, I'm not overweight...I have a few extra pounds to lose....yet I feel like I weight 400lbs. I feel like everyone is staring at me, wondering why I'm even there!!
And to boot, all I have the "balls" to do, is the treadmill. You can't really screw up on the treadmill. Just run. It's not awkward, it's not rocket science...you just do it. I see people walking in and out of the weight room and I am overwhelmed with envy. I wish I could walk in there, mirror someone, without them noticing. If you saw the gym, you would know that it's impossible to do that.

I'm stuck somewhere. I'm giving myself credit for at least going to the gym. And I plan on going regularly. I NEED (for my own sanity) to lose 11 lbs. I WANT and NEED to see 125 on the scale again. I NEED to not feel restrained in my clothes!!! I can't believe how tight my pants are!! They're a size 8, but really, I should be in a 9-10. *cries*

I've been happy. That's why I've gained the weight. I'm the opposite of an emotional eater. Sounds lucky right? It's got its cons. I don't want to be a happy 140lb mother of 4 boys. I want to be a tight and fit 120lb LEAN mom of 4 boys. I want to be at my goal weight so I can GET my surgery. I want to feel sexy. Not like I got hit bay a MACK truck *cries*

I feel good. I went, I broke that ice, and I feel good. I wish I Was back at my old work, and still had my training buddy. I didn't know how good I had it, till it was gone. I should've. I could have learned a few things and maybe not be so scared of the weight room :(

Oh well....I'll figure it out.

Best of committment (I don't believe in luck) to you all!!

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