January 2012- Sigh....
Sunday, January 08, 2012
Here I am again, another New Year- and a few more pounds. During every year I lose weight-- sometimes significant amounts but by the time NYE- I am at my heaviest ever. After all these years my 2012 heaviest ever is overwhelming and sad! I cannot believe my body is what it is right now. But it is- and it is all my own doing.
This past year, 2011, my philosophy was "working it from the inside out" and I thought I will try therapy and work on my head- my emotions and then maybe I can work on the outside- my body... BACK FIRE!! Therapy creates more emotions-- and while you allow yourself to dig deep you tell yourself "this is really hard" and "let" yourself indulge to help with some of the pain. EVEN though you are working on the insides to help with the outside.... it is completely insane!! And you know what therapy didn't do it for me ... in fact I bored my therapist -- she yawned many times during my sessions- she looked at other people's files during my session. Before anyone tells me to "change" therapists..please note this is my 4th or 5th... I have never had luck- ever. But last year I dedicated myself to give it one more shot. Basically this therapist told me that I have all the answers and let me go after about 6 or 7 sessions. I did get one good thing out of it... she told me that I seemed to know all the answers (hence how I must have bored her) and that I needed to stop this therapy and just DO what I know I have to DO... basically she told me to put my big girl pants on..... while it is probably the truth it did not feel very therapeutic.
So maybe I will call this year's philosophy, "Putting my Big Girl Pants On!" Funny, I label my philosophy something different every year- I believe in hopes that simply change it's title will change what I do and how I start and quit all the time.
This year I do have a few different issues.... and I am hoping that they will push me to actually make it a year with continuous weight loss and ultimately maintenance. One issue- is very personal to a family member- so I can not disclose it on my blog but it has to do with someone's health that is near and dear to me and that person is doing something very brave and courageous about it. And if this person can go through this-- then I can "put my big girl pants on!"
The other issue is ... my sister's wedding. I know, I know-- I learned many years ago that losing weight for an "event" usually sets one up for failure. BUT it is a factor and I am not going to lie- I will be working with a time line (another weight loss faux pas for me) . But I will count down to the wedding day to see how much I can lose before then. Maybe it can be a motivator- whatever works at this point!! Her wedding date is September 2, 2012.
I know some of this flies in the face of "lifestyle change"... but I need something to kick me off. And this is what I have. Ultimately I want to make a lifestyle change- but I have to build up momentum for that. I have changed my lifestyle before-- yes- I have but then as always I end up back here. Lifestyle change is very very difficult and I am tired of difficult. But this is what it is -- and nothing is ever easy- NOTHING (except for getting fat, that is EASY PEASY but being fat is not!).
SO, I sigh... and begin at Stage 1 again (but only the second time.. lol!) with Sparkpeople. I love Sparkpeople- and not ready to give up on them-- they are always here for me.
Here I go, sigh...