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words from an addict

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Sunday, January 08, 2012

I'm struggling. Bad. I've lost 2 pounds since the day before Christmas. I'm still working out, so the problem is clear..I'm overeating.

1. To cause to become physiologically or psychologically dependent on a habit-forming substance.
2. To occupy (oneself) with or involve (oneself) in something habitually or compulsively.


No I'm not an addict to drugs...but I'm addicted to food. Food is as destructive to me as a controlled substance would be.

All I think about is food.
I obsess over it all day long...dawn till dusk.
I bust my arse off at the gym so I can eat more.
I quit drinking water, and moved on to diet dew.
Last night I was at my calorie limit for the day...went in the kitchen and had 2 beef sticks, a lean pocket, and a piece of fudge that's been in my fridge for 3 weeks. I was sick with myself.

So today is a new day, and I'm trying my hardest to figure things out. Why am I still struggling so bad?!?!

So what am I going to do about it.....

emoticon Go back to square on. Wipe that 140 pounds off my ticker, because I often use this as an excuse " I've lost 140 lbs I can eat whatever I want " WRONG.

emoticon Quit the pop/energy drinks. I need to get energy from the food and exercise, not a Low Carb Monster. I've quit pop before for 5 months, I know I can do it again.

emoticon Log my food in the morning. My life is not that spontaneous that I cannot plan ahead.

emoticon Eat four 300 calorie meals a day. I think this will work for me.

emoticon Eat every 4 hours....and nothing past 7. This will stop late night eating for me....which is becoming a problem.

emoticon At least 64 ounces of water a day...no excuses. It IS important!

emoticon Sparkpeople is a huge part of my life. I need to be loyal to it and the people on it. Meaning....

Read and comment on 5 blogs a day minimum
Read and comment on 5 non feed blogs a day
Write on 5 sparkpages a day

So here I go...still fighting. These addictions will probably never go away, but I know I can control them.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I could have written this blog. It's like you're inside my head! I'm definitely addicted to food. It consumes me. And I feel you on the soda/pop addiction as well. Diet Pepsi is my vice.

    I am in awe of all that you have accomplished and I know you can do even more! We're here to support each other!
    2256 days ago
    I agree with this blog 100%, and can relate to all of it (except for 140 pounds lost!) I restarted my weight loss count at the beginning of the year, too. I need to stop eating at night as well. I also think about eating constantly. I think I have a mouth-movement addiction (which Freud would have called the "oral" stage), so I chew. I chew on my nails, my skin on my fingers, my lips, my cheeks... I am eating myself alive! But anyway, back to you. You can do this. You've done it before and you can do it again, and sometimes that's the hardest part, but you can.
    2257 days ago
    You have no idea how much you inspire me (& I'm sure others!). I read this and it was like reading something I wrote (although I have never lost 140+ lbs...working on it!!) I agree with one person that commented about making 2 steps forward and one step back...as long as we are making progress. Trying to control something we've never had control over is a difficult feat. I would say you are winning that battle! WE are winning that battle. Congratulations on your success so far! You will make it to that goal, I just know it!!
    2257 days ago
    Food is so hard to ignore, we need it to survive. That puts us food addicts at a disadvantage, you are not alone. I have to tell myself no. period. no, i can not have a pc of chocolate cause I will eat the whole half pound of m&m's without a seconds hesitation. You have done a fantastic job, you look amazing, but you are not done, you want more and you can do it! Now throw that fudge away and get you a glass of water girl. (freeze some grapes to help your sweet cravings, they get sweeter frozen.)
    2258 days ago
  • ONUTHIN125
    Thanks for such a thoughtful and truthful blog. I am also addicted to food-today was my first full day with SparkPeople. It is 8:06 and I have stuck with it!!!! When I try a new "diet" I never get passed lunch. Your blog shows me that it can be done-their is hope for me.
    2258 days ago
    *hugs* I'm addicted to food too...I just have to take it one choice--one victory--at a time....

    thanks for the encouragement; this entry is inspiring :)
    2259 days ago
    awesome blog!
    2259 days ago
  • KLONG8
    Well written and on track. You've accomplished so much and you're going to accomplish much more. Thanks for being so honest and helping me too!
    2259 days ago
    From one addict to another. It helps to think of it as a dance... sometimes I lead and sometimes our drug "food" leads. We know what we need to do to be healthy yet sometimes it's more comforting to go back to the food and self sabotage. Don't beat yourself up!! Keep moving forward, even if we take two forward and one back you are still making progress. We can't expect a lifetime of compulsive overeating to end no matter how desperately we want it to. Learning to live with our addiction just like a diabetic learns to live with their disease is our only hope.. and lots of prayers..
    2259 days ago
  • DEEMD51754
    Believe me I know exactly how you feel..I have had that same struggle. Your story sounded as if I had written it. I do have to say your resolve to fix it is inspiring. GOOD WORK on making a plan. WE CAN DO THIS. ONE DAY AT A TIME. ONE STEP AT A TIME. ONE POUND AT A TIME. emoticon
    2260 days ago
    once an addict always an addict...we have to view food like a recovering alcoholic would view alcohol...we have to eat to live and not live to eat....I know what you mean I was one lb away from my goal and what did I do in the middle of the night...got up and took a sip of regular 7 up from the bottle!! I was grossed out with myself as I caught sight of my reflection on the microwave :(...glad to say it was only a sip and that this morning I reached my goal!!! You can do it - don't give up now...keep going- this is a life long march!
    2260 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/13/2012 7:52:35 AM
    I feel the same way day after day. I think I'm going crazy from dieting all my life .I have to fight the temptation of bingeing every day. And believe me everyone who has a battle,with food knows the pain . Today I'm 220 pounds trying to eat healthy and exercise . So don't think for one minute you can go back to the past . Alway look ahead and keep your chin up.
    2260 days ago
    Sounds like you have a great plan of action! I struggle the same way you do so this was great to read!!
    2260 days ago
    Sometimes we get a little cocky with ourselves and think that just because we lost some weight, that we can eat what we want...WRONG!

    Good for you!

    2260 days ago
    You have great ides for what you should do...but won't those feel like punishment or be overwhelming if you to them all at once?

    I gained 10 lbs over the holidays. Ate out of control! But I couldn't get back on track right away.

    First, I made myself go back to the gym one day the first week. I promised 2 for the next week. No problem!

    Next, I tried to eat under 2000 calories for 1 week. It was hard but I did it.

    This week I am trying to do without dessert. Not forever! Just this week to turn off my immediate craving for sugar every time I eat.

    Maybe try to ease back into the swing of things instead of trying to force it?

    Your call, jsut a suggesstion.
    2260 days ago
  • BECKY3126
    I think that many of us who have struggled with our weight and/or food can completely relate to what you said. I have done the same things...making excuses for myself as to why I could do something or could not. I can eat this because I worked out today. I can't eat healthy because I didn't pack my lunch and anything I order is going to be bad so why not just get what I want? I am still retraining myself to not think in this manner. Thank you for this post....it reminded me that I am not the only one who struggles with this sort of thing. You are on an excellent journey, and from what I just read, you will continue. Everybody falls down, it is getting back up that matters.
    2260 days ago
    After 3 years of trying to kick the compulsive eating, some days are better than others and with the attitude you have, you will overcome. Not everyday will be great but tomorrow will be better!
    2260 days ago
    Great Job!
    2260 days ago
    Love your can do attitude!!!!!!!!
    2261 days ago
    Great Blog! This is all like a 12 step program. The first step (so I hear!!!) is that you have to admit you have a problem. ha, ha, ha! So, it's all uphill from here.

    Keep busy - and everytime you want a snack, wait 30 minutes. If you are hungry, you will eat. If not truly hungry, you will forget in 30 minutes, and that pushes it off.
    2261 days ago
    You got it girl!
    2261 days ago
    I love how you said my life isn't so busy I can't plan ahead that completely kicks I'm to busy to the curb and how you said sometimes after eating for the wrong reason's that you disapointed in yourself .I have lost whole days to hating myself for that I understand that frustration.Sometimes when your alone it is really hard to stop eating even when your not hungry its like emotional not logical. Eat to live not live to eat that must have come from a healthy person or one trying to get that way. emoticon
    2261 days ago
    That sounds like a GREAT plan! I could use EVERYTHING that you have listed here...I struggle in the same ways you do!! Thanks for sharing.
    2261 days ago
    wow you blogged whAT i feel...thx!
    2261 days ago
  • MISSY994
    I hope that some of the advice you receive works for you. =)
    You can succeed, you will succeed. The only way to fail is to quit. Chinese proverb: Fall down 8 times, get up 9 times.

    2261 days ago
    You can't fall off a trail if you were never on it. As long as you keep getting up, you're still on the journey.

    Nice plan!

    2261 days ago
  • TEXASGIRL_1988
    I'm a food addict too ( I just mentioned this in my blog as well)... at night I go to bed feeling determined that tomorrow is it... and by lunch time I just can't wait to eat... while cooking dinner I munch on something just because I can. I feel like I have the same sort of cravings as a smoker... but to food. Keep it up, I'm sure you can do it.
    2261 days ago
    I struggled through the Christmas and New Year. I teamed up with a friend and we email each other every evening. I believe that accountability is helpful. I also do not beat myself up. I started again and left the defeated attitude behind. I know this is a new way of looking at food and I am so thankful for all the support we have on Spark People. The articles are informative and the recipes that are available are wonderful. I have heard the more you focus on the thing you do not want to do you do it. So the answer is you have to replace the thought with something else that would help you reach your goal. I believe you can do it!

    2261 days ago
    At least you have pinpointed the problem and want to do something about it! Sounds like emotional eating to me, what is causing emotional distress can be a good question. Your body needs a certain amount of calories in a day to lose weight. Definitely not true that if you workout more, you should eat more. Just think of the pride you will have if you work hard at the exercise and Nutrition, it is a necessary combination. Eating every 2 hours is a good idea, in portion. Best of luck and I can give Nutrition portion advice if you want.
    2261 days ago
    I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling, but so glad to hear that I'm not the only one who thinks about food ALL the time. OMG, I'm pretty certain that if there was a torte in my kitchen and my husband wanted to make love, I'd figure out a way to sneak out to the torte. And I LOVE my husband. Like you said, it's all about addiction. And, like an addict, I CAN'T be trusted. Really.

    I really needed to read your post. I've been working out, drinking water, and exercising, but the pounds are a little bit too slow this time in coming off. I dropped a quick five pounds right out of the gate, and then proceeded to watch those same five pounds coming and going and coming and going.... It's been pathetic.

    I mean well. I eat all sorts of good foods. Then I pack on a quick treat, and blow the whole deal.

    But, like you, I plan on pushing through. Good luck to you, sweetie. I have a lot to lose, and it's always a good thing to realize others have been there and made it through. Happy New Year, and may our dreams of a healthier lifestyle come true.
    2261 days ago
    What an inspiration you are!! I too am addicted to food so your blog caught my eye, reading that you lost all that weight, I looked at your pictures, holy hanna!! it's people like you who help people like me, I'm just a newbie and your story has motivated me. Food will always be an issue, but yes, we learn new ways, nothing taste as good as thin feels, right? Get up, brush yourself off, and start over again, you can do it! emoticon
    2261 days ago
  • MAC7755
    Good for you for making a reasonable plan. Best of luck.
    2261 days ago
    2261 days ago
  • JULIA1154
    You CAN do it! It's tough at times - but doable.

    If you "binge" as you did last night, go ahead and log it in the tracker. Sometimes the calorie hit isn't quite as awful as you might have thought. For me, that doesn't encourage consuming more - it makes me feel as though the situation's not as dire as I assumed. It usually gives me perspective and a sense that I CAN stay in control. This seems paradoxical but that's been my experience.

    I strongly support your goal not to eat after 7PM. My cut off is 8PM (I aim for 7, with some wiggle room) and it's made a HUGE difference for me. Once I brush and floss after dinner, I'm done. Food has NOTHING more to say to me for the day - and that is a big relief. Give it a try and see what it does for you in the next 6 weeks.

    Hang in there we're ALL pulling for you!!
    2261 days ago
  • TIFFY0906
    emoticon on the 140 lbs loss. You have a great game plan "to get back on the saddle". emoticon
    2261 days ago
  • REENIE131
    You can do it!
    2261 days ago
  • CANNIE50
    I was addicted to alcohol - I have been sober for 26 years. I was addicted to cigarettes - I have been nicotine free for 26 years. I have been compulsive about other things, including drinking pop, and I have gained distance on all those things. Food, sugary food in particular, continues to baffle me. I think, in my case, because food was the first thing I turned to compulsively it continues to be the substance that calls to me. I have a compulsive nature that lends itself towards addiction. However, addiction thrives on secrecy and isolation, therefore, by virtue of the fact that you (and I) keep owning up, and "outing ourselves" to the wonderful people who share SP with us, we give ourselves a fighting chance to gain some peace of mind about food. You are clearly a woman to be reckoned with, which is why the addiction has to bully you - you don't sound like someone who will just lie down and take it. The stronger you get, doll, the weaker the addiction. You've got this, never perfectly, but you've got this.
    2261 days ago
    Thank you for sharing!! You have made some really fantastic goals for yourself!! You can do it!!! If you need support or an uplifting word you can hit me up anytime!
    2261 days ago
    emoticon You did it once, you can do it again. We will be with you all the way.
    2261 days ago
  • TAMBO332
    2261 days ago
    You know I kind of like your steps. Precise and do-able. Think you just hit my reset button too.
    2261 days ago
    You know I kind of like your steps. Precise and do-able. Think you just hit my reset button too.
    2261 days ago
    You can do this, I know it b/c I did and I am a confessed food addict myself. I wrote a blog that had a great article on it about how our brains react to food. Just like a drug addict.

    We have to always be on guard. Hope for you the best and congrats for the weight loss!!!
    2261 days ago
    I promise we are all alike! It sneaks up on you sometimes other times you know what is happening but are not "strong" enough to stop it. I find myself justifying eating this or that because I am going to work out more tomorrow or I have done well today, I deserve it. NOT!

    2261 days ago
    You can do it!!
    2261 days ago
    Keep on fighting
    2261 days ago
    2261 days ago
    Do you ever plan binge days or weeks? I purposely took a week off in November and planned my binge. I still wanted to keep it in control so I tried to plan what I would eat so that way I would go over my normal allowed calories, but not too terribly. There are things that I have "given up". I could still eat them if I really wanted , they are just so high in calories and absolutely not nutritionally filling at all that it is best to not touch them. Like hot cheetos with cheese dip...yum. hot cheetos are high in calories so when I plan a binge, that will literally take the place of a meal. I am not getting anything nutritionally valued from it, but it keeps my eating in line. By doing this occasionally, like once every few months, it's easier to pick myself up and get back on the SP band wagon. I usually gain a couple lbs that week but then lose those same lbs the following week. So it does put me behind 2 weeks, but that is better then falling off for months and gaining most of the weight back.
    2261 days ago
    I totally agree with you regarding addiction to food. Not only is it destructive, but unlike an addiction to alcohol or drugs, you can't give food up completely! I have struggled with the same issues, I can often be hunting around the kitchen for food. I removed all junk food from the house and I ate toast, I didn't have bread in the house, I ate bowlfuls of breakfast cereal. I was told that to break a habit properly you must replace that habit with something else. When I want to eat in the evening I write a blog or I do some sit ups, anything other than going into the kitchen. I go to bed early to take myself away from the temptation. It is possible though, don't give up, you can do it.
    2261 days ago
  • BECKS79
    you can do it!!!!
    2261 days ago
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