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    RAJAHKITTY   52,042
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Why does everything seem so much harder?

Wednesday, January 04, 2012

I'm having a bad day.

And I don't just mean that the car didn't start, or my computer crashed, or anything like that. I kind of wish that it was that "easy."

I'm missing my brother today.

And I'm not sure why today is bothering me so much. Today isn't really anything "special" - it isn't his birthday. It isn't a Monday. (He killed himself on a Monday.) It is the day before his wedding anniversary, but he and his wife were married quickly before his deployment and so I wasn't there. But today, I just hurt.

I have so many regrets. I wish I would have called him more. I wish I would have called him that morning. I wish he would have called me. I wish that he would have felt like he could trust me and talk to me. And now I'm never going to hear his voice again. I'm never going to answer the phone and hear him say, "Hey, Sister." I'm never going to laugh with him again. And for some reason, it is hitting me today.

And that has made me reach for some horrible food. I had a mini snickers today. I didn't drink my water. I starved myself this morning and then had a bowl of cheez-its for dinner. And nachos w/ sour cream (the fact that it is 'light' doesn't really matter).

On Monday, I tried working out for the first time since before my brother died. I went back to my "easy" workout. The workout that I rely on when I haven't worked out in awhile to just get back into it. I couldn't even finish the DVD. And I'm still so sore today from it, that getting up out of my chair is a nightmare in itself.

So, I'm already struggling with food. I"m struggling with my workouts. And I'm struggling with my grief. HOW do I get out of this? How do I take the step that I need to get back on track. To start living the healthy lifestyle that I've abandoned?

I'm so disheartened right now. I hate who I am and what I am and what I've done to myself. But I seem to spend so much time just making it through the day that I don't know how to change this.

I don't know how to ask for help right now. I don't know what I need. I don't know what to ask for.

I want my brother back. And that is never going to happen.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RIQUI1 1/9/2012 3:40PM

    I wish that I had seen this days ago. It stinks to feel alone, especially when you do reach out.

I don't understand how it feels to lose a sibling, but I went through many of these very same feelings with my father. It was the first anniversary of his death on the 3rd of January. It has been very hard to get through the exact same feelings of guilt that you are having. Why didn't I call him more? Why didn't I try harder? What made it even worse for me is that I didn't particularly care for my father. He was an alcoholic who chose to destroy my family as a child and leave me with nothing for memories of family and growing up. He wasn't anyone that I wanted to know, but he was my father. He was also my husband's best friend. I didn't think I would miss him like I do. I didn't think that I would feel the guilt that I feel/felt. I didn't think that I would have a reminder of how we lost him every single day. I knew that he didn't take care of himself, but you just assume that you have more time.

One thing...that's all it takes to start working back towards the place you want to be. You've done that, but instead of focusing on the positive, you looked at the negative. Maybe you didn't get through that DVD, but you did it. And every day that you do it after, you will get better. I was there too. I know just how that feels. But you have to stop focusing on what you are doing wrong and try to see what you are doing right. Maybe you didn't get in as much water as you wanted, but you drank twice as much as yesterday. Don't try to jump in as if you have been here all along. You really have to start over to some degree. It just won't take quite as long to get back to where you want to be.

We are here for you, Heidi. If you ever need to talk or some support or encouragement, all you have to do is post, blog or jump on the team threads. I miss you! I wish there was something more that I could do to help other than sit at the other end of the computer link...days later. I hope to see you active, even if just in words, in the team area soon! :)

(Whew, this was long!! Sorry!) emoticon

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SJCHUPP 1/9/2012 1:36PM

    I'm just reading your blog today, and even though I'm a few days late, please know that I'm thinking about you and praying for you!

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MARJANHONG 1/4/2012 10:15PM

  I'm so very sorry about your brother and the grief that you're experiencing. Grief takes time - and it's ok for you to express that grief in any way that you need to. Please hang in there - just take the good days and the bad days - be proud of the good days and accept the bad ones. Sometimes in the middle of our grief all we can do is just put one foot in front of the other - that's all I'm asking you to do. Know that you did know how to ask for help, because you wrote on your blog. Please know that someone cares...

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