Wednesday, January 04, 2012
I'm having a bad day.
And I don't just mean that the car didn't start, or my computer crashed, or anything like that. I kind of wish that it was that "easy."
I'm missing my brother today.
And I'm not sure why today is bothering me so much. Today isn't really anything "special" - it isn't his birthday. It isn't a Monday. (He killed himself on a Monday.) It is the day before his wedding anniversary, but he and his wife were married quickly before his deployment and so I wasn't there. But today, I just hurt.
I have so many regrets. I wish I would have called him more. I wish I would have called him that morning. I wish he would have called me. I wish that he would have felt like he could trust me and talk to me. And now I'm never going to hear his voice again. I'm never going to answer the phone and hear him say, "Hey, Sister." I'm never going to laugh with him again. And for some reason, it is hitting me today.
And that has made me reach for some horrible food. I had a mini snickers today. I didn't drink my water. I starved myself this morning and then had a bowl of cheez-its for dinner. And nachos w/ sour cream (the fact that it is 'light' doesn't really matter).
On Monday, I tried working out for the first time since before my brother died. I went back to my "easy" workout. The workout that I rely on when I haven't worked out in awhile to just get back into it. I couldn't even finish the DVD. And I'm still so sore today from it, that getting up out of my chair is a nightmare in itself.
So, I'm already struggling with food. I"m struggling with my workouts. And I'm struggling with my grief. HOW do I get out of this? How do I take the step that I need to get back on track. To start living the healthy lifestyle that I've abandoned?
I'm so disheartened right now. I hate who I am and what I am and what I've done to myself. But I seem to spend so much time just making it through the day that I don't know how to change this.
I don't know how to ask for help right now. I don't know what I need. I don't know what to ask for.
I want my brother back. And that is never going to happen.