Guilt, Shame and Strange Motivation
Wednesday, January 04, 2012
I experience a lot of guilt and shame when I gain weight. I feel like a failure and like I'll never get back to "where I want to be." This starts when I've gained a few pounds and just keeps hammering away at me until I feel so terrible about myself that I start eating doughnuts and candy bars and too much at meals times. Obviously, this causes more weight gain and more feelings of failure. Eventually, I will mentally dig myself out and decide it's time to start feeling good. Sometimes I have a false start and spiral again. Eventually I will get "on the bandwagon" and start dieting. Every time I've done this, I've been able to get the weight off and then I give away all my "fat" clothes because I feel like I've really done it FOR GOOD this time. Unfortunately, as I always put the weight back on, it leaves me with a bunch of pants that just don't fit..."my skinny clothes." Last time I gained weight, I couldn't get out of the spiral downward until I bought some new pants in the largest size I've ever been. Otherwise, I had exactly one pair of pants I could wear. (Depressing!!) Basically I was telling myself "you're worth taking care of no matter what your size, you deserve to have clothes you can wear out of the house." You know what? It was like MAGIC. As soon as I did that, I felt good enough to make some positive changes and eventually lose the 40 pounds I didn't need.
Fast forward a year later - I have gained part of that back but I can say that every time I do this, my swing up and down seems to be getting smaller. Unfortunately, I got rid of almost everything that I *thought* I'd never need again and I'm down to 2 pairs of regular pants and some sweat pants that I can wear.
So again, on the theme of making peace with myself, I went shopping today and got some pants/jeans in my CURRENT size at Goodwill. I am telling myself "I love you no matter how big or small your butt is and you should be able to feel good about going out of the house!" I just feel like this totally takes the pressure off me and I can relax about losing weight and go for a slow, permanent change.
Meanwhile, I got an unexpected surprise while I was shopping. I used to have these absolutely favorite jeans that I got from Old Navy. As I gained weight last time, it got to where they were tighter and tighter and finally I popped the rivet/button off them and couldn't wear them any more. (ugh! embarrassing) Later, I looked for them and they had been discontinued. But I FOUND THEM today at Goodwill...and I got a pair in the size I am now (fit comfortably) AND one size down (too tight to sit down in LOL) so I have "happy pants" for now and for 15 pounds from now. What more could a girl want!??