Scared and Strong
Wednesday, January 04, 2012
Have you ever been afraid to come back to Spark? Or actually afraid to write a blog?
I can honestly say that I'm afraid to write this blog. I looked back at my last few blogs and I talk about these huge comebacks. I'm just afraid...that if I say things like that...that I'll let myself and the rest of my sparkling sparkers down. I don't want to be the boy who cried wolf or a hypocrite. I don't want people to stop believing in me if i keep saying i'll try..and then keep failing...But still i write this.
I want to change. My health hasn't been too good the last couple of years. This last year has been the worst. I've been on 10 different medications and been to the doctor more times than i can count. Currently i'm still taking 5 pills a day for stomach issues that my doctors can't really figure out. It's been hard to say the least.
I makes me so angry when I see shows like the biggest loser. I want to be able to kick my butt like they did...or even like i used to. At one point in this journey i lost 93 lbs. Now..i've gained 20 lbs of it back. I realize now how easy it is to lose control. I can't let that happen anymore.
While i was sick i felt sorry for myself. I felt beaten down and the only thing that could make me feel better - even though it made my stomach hurt and my pain worse - was food. Once again, i used it as a coping mechanism. Nothing else could give me that control. Yes...it was an excuse. I could have at least maintained had I continued to eat healthy. But I didn't. I am so sorry to have done that to myself.
Planning a wedding from 900 miles away has been hard..and all i can think about is fitting into my dress. I have my first dress fitting in 3 months. I am so scared and nervous. All i want is to fit into that dress. I gotta drop at least 15 lbs before then to do it. That really sucks. Once again...no time to waste.
So I can't promise I'll be perfect on this journey..but i can promise that i am back. I'll be slow...but i'll be steady.
I'm no longer putting pressure on myself to be at goal weight for the wedding - and anyway that's impossible at this point. I wanted to be 120 by my wedding..but too many things got in the way.
Forget having a goal with that much pressure. I just want to be healthy. My goal is to lose as much weight as i can without killing myself this year. To take baby steps and stop beating myself up. I know I can do this. I've done it before. It's different circumstances now..but it's still me. I can still do this.
I'm still scared to post this...but i'm feeling strong and I really wanted to express that. What a journey this has been. What a journey this will be.