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    MACKANDME   65,276
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Dust in the wind....

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

All we are is dust in the wind........
I have been sick for about 2 weeks. Today is the first day in quite some time I at least tracked my calories again. I am starting slow and will reduce gradually. I will work ST back in once I am officially 100% well. We are day 3 in the New Year, but better late than never right?
There have been a lot of sadness since before Thanksgiving. I had lost interest in pretty much everything. My step dad no longer wants anything to do with me and it frustrates me because instead of accepting my many apologies for how something came out of my mouth he has graciously disowned me.
And Jim has finished his 2 yr college and is ready to go back to Utah. He has actually been in Utah for the last 3 weeks and comes home this Saturday. That leaves me having no reason to stay in Texas. I would love to move back to Utah but if I were to lose my job, jobs seem to be more abundant here. But in Utah I have close friends and ex in laws that still call me family after 20+ years. But relocating is costly and I probably will not be able to save the money to move.
It seems the ugliness of bipolar has reared its ugly face gradually over the last 2-3 months. The more depressed I get the less control I seem to have over reaction to things. I am a grown woman and sometimes act like I am still 14. It is embarrassing.
I am a grown woman and sometimes act like I am still 14. It is embarrassing.
I have to get it back in my head though, that no matter how few people love me.....I am still on this earth for an undecided amount of time and want my time here healthy and happy, at least as happy as I can make it.
So that means getting my head out of the sand whether I like it or not. You know it is when you work out you feel so good and want to do it everyday? But when you skimp out on it it takes no time at all to fall out no longer muster enough desire to get back to it.
I was making so much progress when I was going to the gym but have been out for so long I am embarrassed to show my face again. Thinking they will thing what a poser she is. When in reality they most likely never noticed me before and won't know either. I think I have been chasing my tail in this blog. I even have a hard time following my own conversations sometimes.
Bottom line is there has been family loss and much uncertainty until July.
Hopefully I will get back in to the gym at least to get my mind off the bad stuff for a little while. That's one motivator!


Most of you know I go through this cycle ever so often. I am just working through it the only way I know....

I forgot to mention:

Photos by Lissy Elle
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FT4EVR 1/5/2012 7:19PM

    So good to see you! I hope each step you make in your healthy lifestyle makes you feel better! A day at a time and small changes add up to big ones! Cheering for you!
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KALISWALKER 1/5/2012 2:28PM

    It's that time of the year where we make the decisions for how we want to live it out. Good idea to get back to the gym and you are right no one knows if you have been there or not.

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