Tuesday, January 03, 2012
I've been back at SP for about a week now. I've really been reflecting on what it means to make a lifestyle change and about my goal to make peace with myself this year. For me, that means admitting that I'm a chronic crash dieter and subsequent gainer. I had an eating disorder in high school and college and still have a somewhat distorted relationship with food. Beyond just realizing that, I need to be at peace with this fact about myself and not let it sabotage my desire to make a permanent change in my life in a positive direction.
So this week, one thing I've been focusing on thinking about is not deprivation and limiting calories but on making more positive choices - more fruits and vegetables, more fiber, more water, less junk food - things I can keep up with over time. And not just because they will help me lose weight, but because they will keep me energetic and healthy in the long run. Just in case I need to remind myself later on, this is NOT about deprivation - if I make it into that again, I WILL end up falling off the wagon and putting on weight again, which always leads to a cycle of guilt and shame and I don't need that.
I also have to be at peace with the fact that I am living with mental illness and will be living with it for the rest of my life. So that means it WILL be harder for me to take care of myself when I'm depressed and I WILL tend toward crash dieting and an excessive focus on exercise when I'm hypomanic. However, I am making strides right now, while I am stable to live life on an even keel that I should be able to manage when I find myself in periods of instability. For instance, I have decided that I am done buying infomercial exercise DVDs or training for a 5K when I actually don't like running that much. (Also, last time I tried running, I got aggravating hip pain). I will be returning the Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred DVD and just focus on going for a 30 minute walk outside every day. I know the fresh air and bright light will help me maintain my mental health, I won't get all sweaty (which I really really hate when I'm depressed) and I really like that it's just NORMAL and a natural form of exercise that I can continue to do into my old age. I honestly don't like extreme behavior, even though I seek it out and crave it while I am hypomanic. I believe it starts to feed itself when I am cycling upwards and possibly makes the inevitable crash afterwards even worse.
Peace and moderation! That should be my mantra this year!
So, the results are in. Even though I didn't walk last week (didn't fit it in while the kids were on winter break), I did go vigorously ice skating twice and walked a jillion flights of stairs at the waterpark yesterday. I stayed in my 1200-1550 calorie range most days. The only miss was New Year's Eve and I definitely didn't feel that great in the morning so that was a good reminder. My fruit and veggie intake is waaaay up. I could be doing better with the water so I am continuing to work on that. I have been taking my medication, multi vitamin and fish oil (bought some burp-less ones today, hopefully will make a difference). I am relaxing more and reading more instead of working like a crazy woman. My goal is 1.25 pounds lost per week and I lost 2. So I am pleased with a gentle start and some mental refocusing. I have resisted the urge to buy "diet foods" and crash diet. I have resisted the urge to start some extreme exercise program. I am building breathing room into my days. Right now, everything is quite good.