New year! New me?
Sunday, January 01, 2012
With everybody writing their new years blogs, I figured I would as well. I have a couple things that I haven't been able to stop thinking about and am hoping you guys can help me out.
First of all... Happy 2012 to everyone! I can't believe 2011 is over and we're on to a new year yet again.
A friend and I were IMing on Friday about the Ren Faire we want to go to this summer. She said she wanted to rent a costume for it and I immediately got nervous. She's the same friend that I hang with often, and is a size 6. The costumes at the Ren Faire are for people her size... not for people like me! Then I thought... who are "people like me?" Do other people look at me and only see that fat girl that I see? I still look in the mirror and feel like a size 28. Very rarely do I see a size 24. This sounds a lot like a self confidence and loving myself issue, but I'm not sure that's the case. I have been this size for so long that I don't know that I'll ever see a smaller size. So I told her that I'd probably just wear something I have, a corset top from Torrid that I've never worn. I bought it 4 or 5 years ago with the intention of losing weight to fit into it... of course that never happened. So after my talk with her I could not stop thinking about that top. I went to dig it out of the back of my closet and much to my surprise.... it was too big! I love and hate that at the same time... I love that I'm getting smaller, I hate that I wasted the money. Stupid double edge sword!
So after the top, I decided today to clean out my closet and my dresser. I probably got rid of 4 pairs of jeans (all of my 28's and a 32) and a lot of my larger shirts. They're sitting in a bag in front of my dresser because now I am terrified to let them go. I am so afraid that I am going to balloon again and that I'll need them right back. I know that's no way to think, but clothes are so expensive and I know that those fit... If I give them away, I'll have to start over. Why am I even thinking like that though? I am in a smaller size... it makes me feel FANTASTIC... why would I ever even think about going back? It still gonna be REALLY hard to let those go... UGH!
So then I was thinking about offering all of my larger clothes to a friend that I know is about my size... my old size, i guess. Is that rude to do? She's more of an acquaintance, not someone I talk to all that often. I don't want her to take it the wrong way... I don't think she will, but I know I'd feel really awkward if someone did that to me.
Since I started my journey in August, August 15th to be exact, it felt like this was going to be the longest journey of my life. The days were going by so slowly and I was expecting to just give up at any time. I am still shocked and amazed that I'm still going at this. This isn't like me... I've never stuck at ANYTHING this long. I love it. I love the newish me. I love that feeling when I put on something that I would have never fit into before. December 31st marked four and a half months on this journey and 71 pounds lost overall! WHAT!?!?! Four months ago it felt like 337 was gonna be my label forever. Now not even my drivers license has the correct number on it... it's even 10 pounds OVER at the moment!!
Four and a half months... wow. I'm hoping to hit the 100 pound mark by my birthday, June 21st. 237 would be an amazing number to be at!
Every year for the past 11 years or so my Mom and I and a bunch of our friends have been doing the annual Multiple Sclerosis 5k. Every year I dread it, knowing that it is gonna kick my butt. One year I was so out of shape I didn't even walk. This year... I want to run it! However... I get on the treadmill and immediately get bored out of my mind. Walking in place for 60 minutes just does not do it for me. Then, to top it off, RUNNING? Even thinking about running scares the bajeeezus outta me. I've already blogged about this, and I know a bunch of people are doing it at a higher weight than me, but I still can't get myself to do it. I don't even know how to start running!! I'm gonna fall off the treadmill and look like a fool or something! I need to start now to be able to do it by the first week in May.... but how?! Ugh... I dread it! I just wanna stay on my trusty elliptical!
So I don't know... I have a lot running through my mind that I can't seem to sort out or let go of. Help?!