Saturday, December 31, 2011
Lets talk about images. We are bombarded by images everyday. Images that say we are too fat, too thin, too brunette, to blond, too short, too tall. We need to get richer, quicker, smarter, healthier and prettier and there are 500 bazillion ways to get there if you are willing to pay the price. What price are you willing to pay? Money in untold amounts? Time? Sanity? Self Respect? Self Love? Are these the prices that we pay? I know I have. I know what I want. I know that I have put in a lot of work to get there, and yet when I stall, I look to those 500 bazillion ways to get there fast with whatever price I have to pay. What do I see when I look at myself? Not the miles I have logged. The weights I have lifted. The weight I have lost. I see a failure. I guess the Eve of a New Year is time for confessions. Get it all out so when this new year starts I can have a clean slate. That's the idea anyway. So I am going to sit here and I am going to type, and I am going to see what comes out. I am going to bloodlet this toxin so it doesn't poison my intentions. Toxic. That is how I feel. I feel the negativity radiate from my body. No matter how hard I fight it, no amount of positive self talk seems to combat it long enough for me to get it under control. So here I am laying it all out in the open. Its not easy to admit when I am weak. When I am failing. No matter how many times I tell myself that I am not failing, I am not failing until the moment when I give up... I have that darkness that comes over and keeps me from hear/believing/seeing that truth. I feel like I live in the shadow of lies. Lies to myself. Lies to the people around me. I still receive compliments, that I have learned to accept graciously, but I still scream inside my head that you are wrong about me. I want to hide my successes even more than I want to hide my shortcomings. I keep myself from moving forward. I know that I do. If I reach my goals. If I lose the weight that I want to lose, what will I hide behind? What will protect me? I will have to admit that this is me. This is what I have to offer the world and what if no one is interested? I stay in my comfort zone because I am safe here. But I am not happy. What happens if I am never happy? Here I can blame my weight, I can blame my failure to move forward. I can blame so much of my unhappiness on those things, If those things are gone and I am still unhappy, then I will be forced to face the reality of my situation. I will have to admit that I am not fulfilled. I will have to admit that I only do just enough because that is all it takes to stay alive. I don't want to just be alive. I want to live a LIFE. Now I am simply existing. I simply make it through to the end of the day, and hope for something to be better or change tomorrow, but it never does. Nothing will change if I continue to do the same thing day in and day out. I live with the images of myself that I have created. True or accurate... I don't know that those apply. I see myself, and I see what i used to be, but worse, I see myself thin like I used to when I was at my heaviest, but in the same thought I have images of that this girl turning into the way I see me now, fat. And, to me, that is worse, because that is a failure. (Please understand that these ridiculous thoughts are directed towards myself, and me only. I don't see others this way.) I am so harsh on myself, how can I ever hope to see myself as a success? I will work on it. I will. That is the purpose of this post. This is me working on it. I need to know where I am starting before I can figure out where to go. I don't pretend to have all the answers, but I do feel like if I can be in any position to encourage other people in their journey, I have to be honest about mine. It isn't all rainbows and butterflies. There are some really dark places here too. I think it has to be part of the journey. You have to face those things, too. I know that I need to learn better coping techniques. I know that I turn to food for comfort, for stress 'relief' for rewards and for punishments. I know I need to learn to have a better, healthier relationship with food. I know that i have been using it lately. Especially, to bury my stress and hide from my worries. Usually, in these situations, I would hop on my treadmill and run until my brain was too tired to think. My treadmill is broken. I don't have another way to deal, except what I have always known: food. This search for comfort in food then makes me feel worse because I KNOW that I shouldn't do it and that makes me feel even worse which makes me eat more which starts the cycle over again. The inability to break this cycle then reinforces this feeling of failure. I am trapped. Trapped in this circle of guilt and fear and shame. Yes, shame. How can I continue to let food have that kind of power over me? Food shouldn't have power over my feelings of self worth. I should see it a fuel. Food should power my body and make me strong, not provide me a sledge hammer to pound myself into a puddle of flubbery muck. I will admit all of these things. i will confess my shortcomings. I will bare the things that slice me apart until I am only a shadow of what I could be... I will do all of these things so that I can wake up tomorrow and start over. Knowing where I want to go, and what I want to do to get there. I will start my De-Flubbering Challenge. I will start taking my steps forward. My new motto is going to be "I may not be there yet, but I am closer than I was yesterday." Tomorrow I will not look back. Tomorrow I am leaving this in 2011. I have done what I have done, and there isn't anything I can go BACK and change. There are only the things I can change for here on out. No New Year's Resolutions. Only Old Year Reflections. Reflections. Now we have come full circle to the images I started with. Perception is reality, right? I change my perception and I change my reality. No more thoughts of failure. Only thoughts of doing better next time. There is always a next time. As long as the sun rises, there is ALWAYS a next time.