Wednesday, December 28, 2011
I feel like I have been on a diet roller coaster my whole life.
I was abused the first 12 years of my life. Being alone and fearful people would find out, I kept to myself. When every the abuse would happen myself would go elsewhere. I did not grow up mentally like other children do. I ate to hide my fears. I ate because it made me feel better. I ate because I wanted a friend. These are terrible habits that have followed me my whole life. I don't know how to break the cycle. When I first started seeing a shrink years ago I was on Weight Watchers. I dropped 50lbs and started running. About 2 years in and being on Lifetime, my back collapsed (for lack of a better word) and I could not move. Found out I had degenerative disk disease and had quite a bit of damage. Started physical therapy and a desk job in the same month. The depression and PTSD were at an all time high so it was only a matter of time before the weight came back on. I tried numerous times to be it and lose the weight, with little to no success. 4 years ago I lost 5 people very close to me, went through a divorce and moved 1000 miles from the only life I knew. Every year since that move I have put on weight and every year I tried to get it off. Now my back pain hurts worse than ever and I am immobile many days. Its a terrible cycle to be in. Have to exercise to lose weight. Hurts to exercise. Have to lose weight because its hurting my back.
This year I did Nutrisystem for about 6 months and only lost 10lbs. Then I went back to WW but had a hard time committing to the meetings. The only reason I am on NS now is because it is part of my job. I am a freelance writer and I am doing the program as part of the bloggers nation program. I have to write about my experience and so on. I feel a lot of pressure to succeed.
Will be seeing my doc soon. I just hope she can offer some relief or sent me out to someone that can help me. If I could just manage the pain a little better I might have a little more success.