Letting go of the past.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
I never realized how much energy it takes to hate a person. My ex boyfriend left me a little over three years ago. I was blindsided when he left. I went to bed the night before after giving him a kiss and saying I love you. he kissed me and said he loved me too. I woke up the next morning and he was gone. All that was left was a note on the computer that he didn't love me and that he met someone else. Along with him he took some of his clothes, and my entire paycheck that I had just cashed the night before. He took most of my DVD's and my digital camera (to pawn). We had been in the middle of planning our wedding at the time. I was devastated. We had been together for 5 years. Even after all of that, I couldn't cry. I would sometimes tear up, but I never let myself really cry it out. Crying was one of the things that he hated, so I would never do it in front of him. After 5 years it was ingrained in me not to cry.
For the first few weeks I followed my mom around all of the time. I just couldn't be alone. I slept on the couch every night for a year and a half after he left, because I couldn't bring myself to sleep alone in our bed. Things turned around though. I got myself together and took a hard look at what I wanted in my life. I'm so much better now. I'm in school working towards the future that I want. I'm taking care of myself in ways that I never did while with him.
Tonight I was sitting on my couch watching Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Nick and I had gone and seen it in the theater. It all hit me in that moment, and came rushing back, the good and the bad. For the first time in 3 years, I broke down and cried. As I sat sobbing on my couch I thought of all the things that I had lost. Nick was my best friend. I could talk to him about anything. We would laugh and joke and play for hours. I thought most of those nights me and him spent on that couch having an all night movie marathon. Its those times that i missed the most. I thought of the wedding that was half planed but I never got to have. I thought of the things that he had taken from me, like my trust in other people, or my belief in true love. I now have a hatred for weddings and marriage that I never had before. He gave me so many happy memories, yet took so much. I cried for all of it.
After sobbing for about half an hour, I realised that I was smiling while still crying. I was finally letting go of the past. I know now that it is the only way to truly move on. I looked him up on facebook tonight. I wrote him a private message telling him that I forgive him. I told him that I needed closure and that I couldn't move on with my life and still hate him. I also told him thank you. Him leaving was the best thing that he could have done for me.
I don't know if he will ever read the letter, but that's not really the point. Its the fact that i got it out and wrote it down and sent it. its his now to do with as he sees fit. Its off my chest and that is a weight that means more to me to loose than any pound.