Life, Loss and Moving Forward (Even When You Don't Want To)
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Itís been about a month and a half since my last entry, and well past time for an update. Iím still trying to pick myself up off the floor, but I guess itís time now.
We lost Dad just minutes before midnight on November 27. Mom, Maggie and I were with him, holding his hands for his last hour. I wish I could say it was peaceful, but for some reason the doctor on call was fighting us on starting the morphine drip earlier in the day, and his nurse was nowhere to be found, so he had to struggle for his last breaths. I'm glad we were with him, but it haunts me. He could not speak at that point, but was interacting with us with his eyes. Just before he died, he cried with us a little -- two tears. None of us really wanted to say goodbye, but we didn't have a choice Ė least of all Dad.
Since then, I have been trying since to focus on the rest of his life -- which was a very good one. He was a tremendously kind, generous and open-hearted person, and he will be deeply missed by many besides his family. His memorial services were full of love for him -- he was a very humble person who would probably have been overwhelmed by the outpouring, but he deserved all of it. He was not just an awesome Dad, but an amazing human being.
Part of me really wants to stay stuck in the past -- the past that had my Dad in it. I have other people that I love, and who love me, but none with whom my relationship is so... uncomplicated. Dad just loved me, no matter what, and I loved him back. Nothing made him happier than just spending time with me (and my Mom and sister). Even in the hospital, he lit right up when I came in the room to see him, even though he was suffering so much. There really is nothing that will replace that smile for me, not ever. I am just trying to take solace in the fact that I was lucky enough to have him for a Dad -- so many people are not nearly so blessed. It is probably churlish to wish for more... but I miss him terribly nonetheless.
I stayed back home with my family for a week and a half after his death, but eventually had to go back to work. That has been hard. Sometimes, I can almost forget long enough to be useful. But I am so drained. Not just tired. I feel all hollowed out inside. The fact that it is the holiday season -- that Dad loved so much -- is not helping one bit. But I hate to be a drag on everyone else -- life is short, and should be enjoyed.
I did come back ďhomeĒ for Christmas Ė still here at my parentsí house Ė although I am still trying to get work done. (As an attorney at a large firm, what matters is the number of billables I can get in by the end of the year Ė and although we supposedly get 5 days of bereavement leave, it doesnít change our billable target, so I donít know what good that does anyone.) Christmas itself wasÖ well, not as hard as I thought it would be, but not easy either. I suspect it will always feel diminished now, without him.
Since I last posted, I did finally hit my ďgoalĒ weight Ė a few days after Dadís funeral, so I didnít exactly celebrate it. Maybe Iíll celebrate later, once Iíve kept it off for a few months (so far, so good, despite a few holiday treats).
On the fitness front, I did not run for the week before, or the two weeks after Dadís death, but have gotten back in the swing since then, despite working some crazy overtime. Did not even attempt the Jingle All the Way 8K Ė even if my running had somehow stayed on track, I was not feeling nearly jolly enough for such a festive run. (Walked to the farmerís market that morning, and then went for a run along the Potomac and over the Memorial Bridge that afternoon instead.)
My husband and I did get slots in the Cherry Blossom 10 Miler for April 1, 2012, so there is at least something to train for over the winter. But that is far in the future. For now, Iím taking things one day at a time.
My husband has talked me into going out for a fancy dinner and dancing on New Yearís Eve Ė and my plan is to enjoy it. (Well, at least try not to bring everyone else down with me.) I need to bid GOOD RIDDANCE to 2011, and hope for better things in 2012. Not exactly feeling like a party, but Dad always reminded me that life is short, and youíve got to enjoy it while you can. So this oneís for you, Dad.