Tuesday, December 27, 2011
1. I really dislike this thyroid issue. I don't care that all my numbers came back "normal" in May; it's broken. In fact, I discovered a few days ago that it's so big, it pushes on my vocal cords. It doesn't affect my speaking voice (until I talk a lot), but it does keep me from singing. Some days, there are notes in the middle of my range that I can't sing - nothin' comes out but silence. Not cool. And I knew my hormones are screwed up because of it. Every time I ovulate, I feel like my life is coming apart. A week later, everything is wonderful again. (At least I've stopped wanting to kill my husband every month...that wasn't helpful at all.) It's really getting to me, now that the days are short. It'll only get worse now that we've passed the Solstice. For some reason, my brain wigs out when the days slowly get longer, but are still short. I won't be better that way until March, and that...doesn't help, either.
I feel like I have no control over my life...mostly because I don't. I mean, I do. I can make Choice A or Choice B in most situations, but Choice B is usually an irresponsible, bad, backward step (or three). So Choice A is still the only real choice. I keep telling myself that at least I'm doing the responsible thing, no matter how hard it is or how difficult it is to sustain. Or how much I'm missing because of it. I'm trying to apply weight loss concepts to other aspects of my life, notably the "one moment at a time" approach. If I can fill this moment up with something positive and productive, then at the end of the day I'll at least have a couple handfuls of positive productiveness. You know, like how the food battle sometimes comes down to refusing that piece of chocolate or pie or deep-fried chicken every time it enters the tastebud's awareness. One moment at a time builds up to a lot. Maybe it's agonizingly slow, and maybe it's not the speed I want, but it's something, and it's better than doing nothing. It takes a LOT of mindfulness, though, and sometimes - especially with the new job - I'm too exhausted to pay attention.
2. Speaking of the new job, I just worked a six-hour shift. I dreaded it last night. I did NOT want to go in today. Many years ago, I wouldn't have. My social anxiety and anxiety anxiety would have gotten the better of me and I'd have quit right there. But I like this job. I like the company. And I don't want to screw up ANOTHER job that way. The ten months it took me to get this minimum wage gig made it painfully obvious that I don't have the leeway to let it go. This time, though, much as I might have wanted to quit last night, I wouldn't let myself. I got up today and went. And it wasn't awful. Difficult, yes. Nerve-wracking, yes. Freaking busy, YES! But not awful. My sacrum is killing me. My hip doesn't want me to sit down. Yet I'm filled with the need to go for a walk. And so I would, to stretch and work out the kinks, if not for the weather. Ah well. Six hours doesn't seem like much, but goodness me, my body is still weak!
Tomorrow will be a full body workout, courtesy of work. Hurray!