Tuesday, December 27, 2011
I need to start writing again.
I have been faithfully spinning the SparkWheel for 82 days now. It's my longest consecutive streak ever. I can't wait to reach 100. And yet --- I haven't really been that consistent these past few months. i have been working out erratically and not tracking. I have not weighed myself in a while, but I know I am getting softer; I may not even be gaining weight, but I was doing strength consistently for a while there, and I know I've lost muscle since the summer and early fall.
I miss the warm, welcome competent feeling of having one aspect of my life under control.
So, I am going back to my old goal: 10 min of exercise every day. And track exercise and food. I worked out today (I am referring to Monday). I felt proud of myself and happy for the first time in a while.
I don't wanna. I feel like I don't have enough time to track. But I do have the time. It doesn't really take that long. And there are huge benefits. When i track, I do better by my body. Don't get me wrong; i have been on Sparkpeople for 5 years and some change now, so my habits are pretty healthy in general. But I want to be better. I slip and slide; when I don't track my habits get slightly worse and worse over time. I almost think I'll always need to spend a few months a year tracking to maintain my weight around where it is now.
I need to break out of the mentality that is afraid to do what I know I can do, because I am a little bit afraid to succeed I think. Or maybe it's that i'm afraid to fail after trying my hardest.
It's been a hard day. I am having a bit of a quarter life crisis. I ate three pieces of white bread. I was hungry, but...it was an emotional choice. (And I'm not even an emotional eater! I used to be heavier because of poor appetite management and mindless snacking, not emotional eating.) What am I doing? Where am I going? How am I going to be happy for the rest of my life? What's to become of me? This isn't a game.
I have always been drawn to writing and entrepreneurship, separately and together. I need to do what I am drawn to though, somehow, not just talk about it, think about it, and know vaguely where I probably belong. I need to come up with small career goals, mid-sized goals, and the like.
With respect to writing, I just need to start writing every day, for one. So I need to blog here, as it's critical, both for my physical health and my mental health. I need to get out of this rut. Health is a place of relative strength for me. Hopefully I can record moving forward in this part of my life and others in a series of blog posts over the next few months.