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    DOREENKNIGHT64   82,982
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E pluribus Unum 2011


Monday, December 26, 2011

I claim no responsibility for this message, which was posted on FB by a friend. However I have to confess to finding it humorous.


To the citizens of the United States of America......
From Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II: - The Alternative Queen's Christmas Day Message

In the light of your failure to manage financially, yourselves - and by default the stability of our Realm - and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA
and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the Revocation of your Independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

We, your Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which We do not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. To ensure you have adequate rainfall throughout the year, UK Bank Holidays will be substituted.
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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent.
Guns should only be used for shooting deer. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot deer!
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side of the road - the correct rule of the road since the Roman Empire - with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $12/US gallon. Get used to it.
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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.
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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Dick van Dyke in Mary Poppins and Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral, were experiences akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
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11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time,
be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans (World dominators) first, to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from "HMG" Her Majesty's Government - will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers - never mugs - with high quality biscuits (not cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) only when in season.

God Save the Queen!...to be shouted not sung, because We are tired of listening to the tune of "God save the Queen", which you already have in your repetoire.
We prefer, correction, order you to adopt "Rule Brittania" as your new National Anthem.

Signed, sealed and delivered....Sandringham, Norfolk - Christmas 2011.....Elizabeth II ... ...

PS: She ordains that you share this message with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

PPS: With a spot of luck, next Christmas she might also decide to recolonise Africa!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
KIMI_SILVA 8/16/2012 9:53AM

    LOL!!! Who knows, it might just work. hehehe
emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 8/16/2012 9:54:53 AM

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GINIEMIE 12/30/2011 3:02PM

    Funny, I don't drink American beer. Most Belgian beers are good.
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EUPHRATES 12/27/2011 5:17AM

    emoticon

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WCATAP 12/27/2011 3:42AM

    Hilarious! I like #15. Some unfortunate truths in this jest....But we must be able to laugh to keep from crying.

I am still proud to live in the greatest country in the world!

Comment edited on: 12/27/2011 3:44:41 AM

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PAMNANGEL 12/26/2011 10:08PM

    Hey! emoticon

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ASPENHUGGER 12/26/2011 9:52PM

    "Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer". That's good -- American beer is just rat you-know-what -- I'll have a half best bitter every time!

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ASPENHUGGER 12/26/2011 9:50PM

    "To ensure you have adequate rainfall throughout the year, UK Bank Holidays will be substituted. " Only too true! California could use this improvement!

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SUETINGE 12/26/2011 5:53PM

    emoticon

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SHOOPETTE 12/26/2011 4:21PM

    Hilarious!

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KATHRYNLP 12/26/2011 1:33PM

    As a Canadian.. from The True North Strong and Free...
I must say this was very refreshing. I have Russ..RUARUGBYNTUZ to thank for steering in your direction. Excellent Blog... if only HRM would do it.. LoL emoticon emoticon p/s pls add me as a friend, as I don't want to miss any more of your humour!

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RUARUGBYNUT2 12/26/2011 12:25PM

    Brilliant, very funny!
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