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A bad weekend

Monday, December 19, 2011

Where do I start. Maybe I should start with this morning. I was feeling down, and pretty bad about my weekend, and the end of last week. I signed on to SP, which I had not been on for days, and I see several comments on my SP page, and previous blogs. It brought tears of joy to my eyes. I thought I needed to sit down and write a blog to all those supporters I have here on SP, thanking them. So a big THANK YOU to all of you!!!
So last week I got a bit behind on my walking and fitness minutes because my grandson ended up in the hospital, and I had my granddaughter here with me. I tried going on a walk with her, but walking with a 3 year old makes it impossible to work up a sweat. On Friday I had the day to myself, but I got on the scale (I hate that thing) I saw I had gained a pound. I was feeling down because of Christmas, and my daughter that is in Montana, or somewhere, and not speaking to me, who knows why. I thought I needed to go for a walk to clear my head. So I walked down to the store, and ended up at a deli that has video poker machines. After hitting the ATM and throwing away 150.00 (that we didn't have) I started walking home, crying my eyes out. I had been fighting the tears all morning, and after blowing money, I couldn't keep them at bay any longer.
So as i am walking down the street, crying, I start feeling all alone. I think I need to pull myself out of this, but I can't really put my finger on what is wrong. I ask myself what would make me happy. The answer was nothing!! No one cares, even my only child who I love more than life itself. I'm worthless, and don't even have a job, after being the bread winner for years. Heck, I can't even get an interview. Must be because I have been fired from the last three jobs I've had in the last 15 years. Then, when we are struggling financially more than we have in 15 years, I go and blow 150.00 we don't have. What a loser I am.
So my husband comes home from working, to find me crying my eyes out. I haven't eaten all day, and I just want to crawl in a hole and die. ( what a wonderful husband I have to put up with me for all these years.) He tries so hard to figure out what is wrong, and honestly I don't know. He says he thinks a lot of it has to do with my daughter. I think he is right.
So all weekend I have tried really hard to get out of this funk. For his sake I keep from crying, and even try to be somewhat happy. But down deep, I am still feeling lost and alone. I'm still watching what I eat, even though I haven't tracked anything since last week. I even got out to the gym, and got my walking in. I guess it's just habit now (that's a good thing). So I sign in this morning to try and get caught up again, and I see these wonderful comments, and I realize I'm not alone!! This is not an easy journey, but already I'm feeling the life changes I've made and am making. The worst thing I've done is go all day Friday without eating until Friday night, and I still made good choices then (with some help from my husband).
So I just want to let all my supporters know, I'm back. I'm not feeling totally gung-ho yet, but I'm still here, and continuing on my journey. I even let my husband take a few pictures yesterday. I recently read a blog about a 3 month test, where someone lost less than 10 lbs, even though it looked like a lot more. What she did was lose weight and gain muscle. I thought that would be a great way for me to stop looking so much at the scale, and give me a three month goal. I must admit though, looking at the pictures he took, depressed me even more. I think I'm doing good until I see what I really look like.

OK, that was the nasty depression sneaking in again. I know I'm doing well!! I have a long way to go still, but the weight didn't come on in just three months, so I know it can't all come off in three months either.

Again, I want to say thank you to all of you that have supported me in the past three months. I'm still here!! I should have signed on Friday when I was so depressed, and maybe I would have had a more productive weekend. Silly me!!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You and your family are in my prayers.
    I have found one thing to be true and that is this: you can't change anyone but yourself. Your daughter will eventually come around and if she doesn't just remember that you did what you could. The rest is up to her.
    I sympathize with spending money you don't have, I notice that I spend more money when we have less of is a depression thing. This too shall pass.
    Surround yourself and focus on the people in your life that are supportive and love you and try and put out of your mind the ones who don't seem to and you can't go wrong...I know easier said than done. I am having issues with my youngest and so I know how it is.
    Hang in there. emoticon
    2278 days ago
    I am sorry you are going through this, great insigths and advice in the previous posts. Hubby and grandkids are there for you, at this time for an unknown your daughter is not close please know you are not alone:).
    2279 days ago
    Every sunrise is a new start. Make the most of every single one of them. You CAN do this, and we can help.
    2279 days ago
    emoticon I'm so sorry you're going through that right now. We all have times in our lives where we go through similar things. A lot of people are in funks with the holiday season, or even just the last few months (or years) in this economy/world. I think it's amazing you're still trying to make an effort on your eating & exercise, that you haven't thrown in the towel. When we're able to get to the gym even if we don't want to at the moment simply because it's habit, that's a HUGE thing!! And you're right... when gaining muscle it replaces fat but the scale doesn't recognize that. I think I'm going through a similar thing. Don't berate yourself too much, hang in there! You'll see clearer skies too if you just look to the future with hope.
    2279 days ago
    And let me add to all the good advice that it might be time to tell your doctor what's going on. There are treatments that can help!
    2279 days ago
    Hey-sounds like a miserable weekend. The holidays churn up a lot of stuff in all of us, I am so sorry for you to feel so bad during this season.It always seems worse because we are supposed to be "happy." You have been dealt a rough hand. Sometimes just acknowledging how bad you feel makes it seem conquerable?To that end, your blog is a step forward! Write a letter to your daughter, start with I am sorry and I would like to move forward. Pour out all you feel, and send it to her last known address-sometimes the simple act of purging your feeling lifts a lot of the burden. Your grandson is in the hospital, you are the caretaker and needed, hardly a loser? Employment is tough in this economy, there is age discrimination, weight discrimination etc. Also my guess is you will feel and project more confidence as you get lighter which may translate into a job. On any given day you have your spouse and grandkids who need you! On your worse are not a loser! Unless you mean someone losing weight! ? A pound is a pound and a scale doesn't define us. It may go up, it may go down, it may all be slow but if we make more good choices than bad, eventually it will land where we would like. Being skinny does not make you happy so during this journey you have the time to work on the happiness factor so you won't find yourself skinny and miserable. Sending peaceful thoughts your way! sydney emoticon
    2280 days ago
  • GLMOM2

    Take one step & one day at a time. We are all here for you. emoticon
    2280 days ago
    I hate it when I get into a funk like that. It is miserable. But guess what - you don't deserve to be miserable. Whenever a negative thought starts getting into your brain, chase it out! Don't let it stay there & grow.
    You've got a great hubby & grandkids who need you. You deserve to have some peace in your heart, so fight for it!
    2280 days ago
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