Where do I start. Maybe I should start with this morning. I was feeling down, and pretty bad about my weekend, and the end of last week. I signed on to SP, which I had not been on for days, and I see several comments on my SP page, and previous blogs. It brought tears of joy to my eyes. I thought I needed to sit down and write a blog to all those supporters I have here on SP, thanking them. So a big THANK YOU to all of you!!!
So last week I got a bit behind on my walking and fitness minutes because my grandson ended up in the hospital, and I had my granddaughter here with me. I tried going on a walk with her, but walking with a 3 year old makes it impossible to work up a sweat. On Friday I had the day to myself, but I got on the scale (I hate that thing) I saw I had gained a pound. I was feeling down because of Christmas, and my daughter that is in Montana, or somewhere, and not speaking to me, who knows why. I thought I needed to go for a walk to clear my head. So I walked down to the store, and ended up at a deli that has video poker machines. After hitting the ATM and throwing away 150.00 (that we didn't have) I started walking home, crying my eyes out. I had been fighting the tears all morning, and after blowing money, I couldn't keep them at bay any longer.
So as i am walking down the street, crying, I start feeling all alone. I think I need to pull myself out of this, but I can't really put my finger on what is wrong. I ask myself what would make me happy. The answer was nothing!! No one cares, even my only child who I love more than life itself. I'm worthless, and don't even have a job, after being the bread winner for years. Heck, I can't even get an interview. Must be because I have been fired from the last three jobs I've had in the last 15 years. Then, when we are struggling financially more than we have in 15 years, I go and blow 150.00 we don't have. What a loser I am.
So my husband comes home from working, to find me crying my eyes out. I haven't eaten all day, and I just want to crawl in a hole and die. ( what a wonderful husband I have to put up with me for all these years.) He tries so hard to figure out what is wrong, and honestly I don't know. He says he thinks a lot of it has to do with my daughter. I think he is right.
So all weekend I have tried really hard to get out of this funk. For his sake I keep from crying, and even try to be somewhat happy. But down deep, I am still feeling lost and alone. I'm still watching what I eat, even though I haven't tracked anything since last week. I even got out to the gym, and got my walking in. I guess it's just habit now (that's a good thing). So I sign in this morning to try and get caught up again, and I see these wonderful comments, and I realize I'm not alone!! This is not an easy journey, but already I'm feeling the life changes I've made and am making. The worst thing I've done is go all day Friday without eating until Friday night, and I still made good choices then (with some help from my husband).
So I just want to let all my supporters know, I'm back. I'm not feeling totally gung-ho yet, but I'm still here, and continuing on my journey. I even let my husband take a few pictures yesterday. I recently read a blog about a 3 month test, where someone lost less than 10 lbs, even though it looked like a lot more. What she did was lose weight and gain muscle. I thought that would be a great way for me to stop looking so much at the scale, and give me a three month goal. I must admit though, looking at the pictures he took, depressed me even more. I think I'm doing good until I see what I really look like.
OK, that was the nasty depression sneaking in again. I know I'm doing well!! I have a long way to go still, but the weight didn't come on in just three months, so I know it can't all come off in three months either.
Again, I want to say thank you to all of you that have supported me in the past three months. I'm still here!! I should have signed on Friday when I was so depressed, and maybe I would have had a more productive weekend. Silly me!!