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HOWLERMOM
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My heart has another crack in it

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Some of you may have noticed I haven't spent as much time here as usual. I've been dealing with something in private, in secret, that I feel ready to share but couldn't until now.

The Sunday before Thanksgiving my husband informed me that he was leaving me - after the 1st of the year. I was frozen in shock...he gave me a long list of my faults and told me he wasn't willing to go to counseling. He claims to be a Methodist minister but the brutality of the content and style of his message was anything but Christian. He advised me to find a therapist to deal with my problems, but wouldn't answer direct questions about the real message - "are you writing me off?"

The kiss off conversation started when I protested that he had just gotten back from a 2 wk trip in Europe - new clothes, new luggage - and was talking about buying an iPad. You see, he hasn't contributed a dime to household expenses in almost 2 years. I couldn't believe that he was now talking about buying something - that I would love but decided I couldn't afford - so I pressed him about that. So,he clobbered me. The timing - right before the holidays - was particularly cruel. And the specifics about when he was leaving he would not answer. And this was a secret - I wasn't to tell my family or friends and he wasn't going to tell his kids and friends until after the holidays. Are you following this? He ruined my holidays but let's not touch his or his kids. He kept saying he had gotten over me years ago and the pain I was feeling he felt then too. Rationalization.

That first week was awful - I had scheduled vacation for that week and didn't have work to distract me. I did find a therapist - and a lawyer - the next day. I also spent the afternoon with my best friend, confessing all and what had been going on in my marriage over the last 4 years. And went to see my doctor - since part of the accusations had to do with physical problems I had - who was very kind, prescribed an antidepressant, and so kindly prayed with me before I left the office. He expected me - and I did - fix unThanksgiving dinner for his family and friends - one of whom is I am certain acting as his attorney and who he, BTW, dated in high school - that came out over dinner. UnThanksgiving because we had to schedule our Thanksgiving around his kids and his ex-wife's wishes. I had been invited to my best friend's home for Thanksgiving with her and a friend who I ironically haven't seen since our wedding 7 1/2 years ago. But no, I worked like a dog to fix a nice dinner for his family and friends and make everything look "normal".

Since then, with the help of my family and friends, and a great therapist, I've gained clarity. One of my flaws is that when I love someone, no matter what they do or say, it takes me forever to figure out that those feelings are not returned. And what that ties into is my secret - I don't feel worthy of love. Always a struggle for me and something that I need to work on. I recognize the thing that I most feared - being abandoned and being alone - had already happened long ago. And I was ok - I was broken but not beaten. And I needed to move on. I also have come to understand how many friends I really do have. And how I am loved. Just not at home. My trip to LA this week was fraught with worry - I gave him the papers for the divorce ironically on the 7 1/2 anniversary exactly - and he was trying to negotiate staying longer. I stayed awake the night before I left with that little message - and finally told him the next morning that his message was devoid of kindness and compassion. I was showing him more than enough kindness and compassion allowing him to stay in this house and put on the charade of Christmas with his family. You see, I've gone home to be with my family - after decorating the house by myself - for the last 3 years. He encouraged me to do this again this year months ago - under the guise of my mother's age - and was still expecting me to do that again - after emotionally napalming me before the holidays! I haven't touched so much as an ornament here. Instead, I helped my best friend and her family decorate their tree.

So, I've gained understanding, awareness, stopped shaking all the time and started to heal. I am reconnecting myself with my friends and had to do that with my Spark family as well. I ask for your understanding and support - which I know in my heart I can count on. emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • v MERLINANDME
    You deserve so much better.

    You are going to be fine. You have character, intelligence, and strength.

    emoticon
    1602 days ago
  • v NANFACEMIRE1
    Susan, I just read this blog and feel so bad for what happened. I don't even know what to say except that I am sending hugs and will keep you in my prayers. It sounds as if you are certainly on the right track for moving forward. As you stated, we are all here for you. Nancy
    1684 days ago
  • v SUECHRIS50
    My heart just breaks for you!He does not deserve you or the love and kindness.A Methodist minister?really?A proverbial wolf in sheeps clothing is more like it!!Dont put up with it for another second girl!There is someone out there waiting just for you!I am livid with anger at your description of this...MAN??He has no heart or he would have went about it in a kinder way.STOP right now and ask yourself"Do I want him here a minute longer?He definetly has you emotionally drained!I agree with the others...CHANGE THE LOCKS...KICK HIS SORRY ASS OUT!!Best Wishes honey,you deserve only the BEST!! emoticon Im A SUSAN also...SMILE
    1707 days ago
  • v ARCHIMEDESII
    I am so sorry to hear what your soon to be ex-husband did to you. That is without a doubt, one of the most selfish and cowardly things I've heard a person do to another. You did not deserve that. Worse, he proceeded expect you to cater to his needs after he tells you he wants a divorce. totally selfish behavior on his part. He is NOT a man of God. A good Christian or any other truly religious person would never engage in this kind of behavior. Maybe you do have your issues, but then so do we all, even him ! Too bad he thinks he's perfect.

    I'm glad you're getting the help and support you need to walk away from him.
    The holidays should be a wonderful time for you and in future, they will.

    You will be a much stronger and healthier person without him. Time does heal all wounds.


    emoticon
    1707 days ago
  • v ANDEENNATE
    My heart is breaking for you, I know this feeling all too well. I too do not feel worth of love. I will pray for you. Hugs!!
    1707 days ago
  • v ASUPERCOOLCHICK
    emoticon I completely understand this and have been living in a very similar situation now for over 11 years. I hope you find the strength and courage to do what in your heart you know is the right thing to do.
    1707 days ago
  • v JSPIN74
    emoticon ALL of my love going out out you.....

    I'm so glad for you that you are getting what you need & concentrating on yourself...you're such a wonderful person from just the bit I know. emoticon

    You are right...you ARE strong & kind & fair...you're gonna be just fine with time xoxox
    1707 days ago
  • v IDLETYME
    It is really good for you to write this all down and share it with your Spark Friends. You know we all love you and care about your well being even is you haven't met us. We are your family too! Thoughts and prayers are coming your way. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1709 days ago
  • v SHARON10002
    He is using you while emotionally abusing you, Susan. Change the locks and call a junk hauling service to clear out and haul all of his stuff away!
    First Wive's Club has some good suggestions . . . emoticon
    1709 days ago
  • v HAPPY_AS_IS
    I am so sorry you are going through this. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope you realize what a wonderful person you are. You always take the time to cheer people on in their success or cheer them up when they are down. Thank you for letting us be there for you!!!!

    Hugs to you my friend!
    1709 days ago
  • v MFLYNN8
    Give him the gift of changed locks, sweetie. He doesn't deserve your charades or your kindness for his family. Have a merry Christmad in spite of him and think of all the opportunities the new year holds with the poison out of your life. emoticon
    1709 days ago
  • v PURPLELVR7
    Susan
    My prayers are with you. What he did was not a Christian act and I am so glad you are getting it together. You can do better than this, and I am sure you will.
    Hearts heal, I know yours will

    God bless you
    Shirley emoticon
    1710 days ago
  • v KATHYJO56
    Susan, My heart is breaking for you! I am so very sorry that this man who isn't worth one ounce of your love, has done this to you without one thought to anybodys' feelings but his own. What an incredibly heartless and selfish man he is.

    I am happy to read that you are beginning to heal. You are worth more than your weight in gold and I am so proud to be your friend. It is ironic that there are people who consider themselves to be "Men of God", who are so Godless. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1710 days ago
  • v MARLINDA5
    The first thing you need to remember is that the marriage didn't work just because of you - it takes two people. Unfotunately that was his weapon to make you feel bad and think less of yourself. Do not think less of yourself because of this. It is good that you have a lawyer and a therapist to help you through this. This situation can make you very depress -when I was going through my divorce - I told my supervisor that it is like a death and there is a mourning period - it was hard for her to understand.

    I am so glad to hear you are healing - we are here for you.



    emoticon
    1710 days ago
  • v KOSHIE1
    You didn't kick him out immediately? Too bad! I wish you would! I hope you are charging him rent RIGHT NOW!
    Yes, this hits so close to me too.... I recognize it as abusive behavior on his part and victim behavior on your part. Sometimes, even if it doesn't feel "right" or "natural", you have to behave as if you are strong. Just think and figure out what a strong person (deserving of love) would do, and do that! Do it often enough, and it becomes natural.

    Get away from him now! Get him out NOW! Even if you have to hire movers to dump his stuff on the curb and someone to change the locks, do not wait for him to keep emotionally beating you up! And no, you don't need his approval to do it!
    1710 days ago
  • v CASSIECAT
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    1710 days ago
  • v KKP4673
    I am so glad you decided to share this with your spark friends!! You have got to get support and stay supported during this time!!

    Good for you on getting a therapist and an attorney!! --Sometimes a CODA group can be a good thing, too! (I know it's worked for me!)

    emoticon
    1711 days ago
  • v INDIANOAKS
    Susan -- I read this earlier today but didn't have time to respond until now... My heart just breaks for you!!! YOU are worth SO much MORE than the way you've been treated!!!!!!!! I hate when people that profess to be Christians do things that are SO cruel -- givens Christians a "bad name"!! Only thing I can say is that someday your husband will have to meet His Maker -- and he'll get his...!!

    I'm sorry you've been suffering "in silence"...but glad you decided to share this with us! Hopefully we can "lighten your load"... As evidenced by all the comments on your blog, alot of us on here care about you deeply!! Know we're only "virtual" friends -- but we DO care and want to help in ANY way we can!!!

    I'm really glad you've found solace in your friends and family! Oh -- and by the way, I think HE is the one that sounds like he "has problems" -- giving you a list of your "faults"??!! REALLY???!!! You have GOT to be KIDDING!! Seriously....

    You'll be in my thoughts and prayers as you endure yet another trial in your life. Take care of yourself!!!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1711 days ago
  • v HDHAWK
    I'm so sorry you are going through this. I was in a similar situation. My ex-husband moved out and to another state where he had been working from for over 2 yrs. He can work from anywhere (computers). I gave him 4 yrs. to "figure things out" and then finally filed for divorce. He didn't want the divorce and even tried to get me back after. I later found out that he had moved in with his gf and had been living with her the entire 4 yrs. Our marriage wasn't a good one, but he wouldn't try to fix it or go to counseling. If you aren't happy, then leave before you move on with someone else. We were divorced in Aug. of 03 and he didn't tell his mom until November of that year! I had to "fake it" just like you are. He is now married to his mistress and all his siblings know about the affair but no one has ever told his mom. She thinks the divorce was all my fault to this day because her son can do no wrong. I was so much happier alone than I was with him. The divorce was well worth it. A year ago I married a man who is very good to me. I still have trouble realizing this is how I deserve to be treated. You will get through this. Reach out whenever you need to. emoticon
    1711 days ago
  • v FREES1
    So sorry to hear of your situation - it sounds to me as though this guy isn't worthy of all that you are! Know that you are strong and that you will weather this storm - and the sun will shine all the brighter once the storm subsides...
    Shine brightly shooting star!
    1711 days ago
  • v KICK-SS
    I'd of had him moved out the day he told me he wanted a divorce.... You're too nice!!
    1711 days ago
  • v JUSTJOSS
    emoticon I am so incredibly proud of you. You are a strong, beautiful woman who has way more to offer than I bet you give yourself credit for. I am so very sorry you have to go through this, but I know you will come out better than ever on the other side.

    He's going to be sorry & your going to be gone.

    Big hugggs lady. Hang in there & know we all love you here & we're here for you.
    1711 days ago
  • v PIXIE-LICIOUS
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    I am so sorry that you're going through all this, especially during the holidays...although it would be painful at any time.

    I'm here if you need to talk, I care. You are definitely in my prayers.
    1711 days ago
  • v PHIREBALL
    Life is not fair. It is very hard to go thru. No one should have to go thru the anguish you must be feeling. Hearts are not made to be broken. I wish you the best and hope that the hard part of all this passes quickly for you.
    1711 days ago
  • v ENDUROVET
    Another stranger chiming in - but I cried upon reading this, Susan, it hits too damn close to home for me...
    Best wishes, sounds like you are taking the correct steps... I am suspicious of the lawyer he dated in HS!
    Val
    1711 days ago
  • v HEALTHYHAPPYDEB
    emoticon emoticon

    1711 days ago
  • v PINKNFITCARLA
    Oh my goodness...this makes me so sad :-( I am so sorry you have having to go through this at anytime, but especially during the holidays. Great big emoticon to you. I know it probably doesn't help to hear this, but in the long run you will be much better off without him. Again, big hugs!
    1711 days ago
  • v JANE1216
    Sending you my thoughts and prayers --- you are on the right path - YOU are the person you should be thinking about at this time and it sounds like you are doing exactly that. So glad you found a good counselor and lawyer and that you have wonderful friends --- I'm sure your Christmas will be a blessed one with those who care for you the most. God bless.

    emoticon
    1711 days ago
  • v LADYIRISH317
    My opinion of him would get me booted off of Spark!

    I'm sure you can't feel this now, but you are well rid of anybody who is as callous and selfish as he is. Minister? He has some kind of nerve calling himself that.

    Let him do his own Christmas! You do exactly what pleases YOU for once. And know that our Spark friends are here for you, so lean on us all you want and need to.
    1711 days ago
  • v MIAGDE
    Susan, You don't know me but I happened upon you blog today. So sorry to hear of your distress. I pray God will hold you in the palm of His hand and shelter you in this storm you are now passing through. May His Peace that passes all understanding comfort and strengthen you and His Wisdom guide you step by step into the future He has planned for you.
    Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.
    Heb 12:2 Keep Looking unto Jesus the author and perfecter of your faith.
    John 16:33 These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”
    I hope these scriptures references will help you in your journey and brighten your day.
    Make It A Great Day, Everyday! David emoticon
    1711 days ago
  • v GAILRUU
    He sounds like a real user and loser. My goodness, don't waste any more time or money on him!
    1711 days ago
  • v CRYSTLE4HIMTX10
    I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. emoticon Know that you are loved and lovable.
    1711 days ago
  • v MCJULIEO
    You are worthy...
    He is a twit (and a cruel, manipulative so-and-so as well)

    Please feel free to enjoy the freedom that jettisoning that lowlife will bring you... it sounds as if your circle of friends and family may help speed your healing, once you excised the infection (festering boil) that posed as a man in your life.

    Know that you are not alone, and that your bravery in sharing the truth will set you free...
    1711 days ago
  • v PILLYWIGGIN
    I am praying for you Susan. I can't imagine how you are feeling but I am amazed at how you are coping. Look after yourself and believe in yourself - you are so worth it!
    Lots of love and hugs coming your way.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1711 days ago
  • v 4MRSDAND123
    How painful. God bless you. You're in my prayers. emoticon
    1711 days ago
  • v KENDRACARROLL
    My heart goes out to you. Taking care of you is the right thing to do at a time like this. Be strong, you'll get through this.
    1711 days ago
  • v KALISWALKER
    emoticon emoticon

    My dear you have been through so much. It is time to love yourself and take care of yourself.
    1711 days ago
  • v RAINBOWCHOC
    I cannot begin to imagine your pain but I stand in admiration of your bravery, kindness and fortitude in these awful days. It does sound as if things will improve once you are not trying to please the impleasable all the time. You are worthy of being loved but he isn't the one who will do that.
    I'm sending as much love as the internet can handle
    be brave for the next few days and then celebrate!
    best wishes, Sandra
    1711 days ago
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