Some of you may have noticed I haven't spent as much time here as usual. I've been dealing with something in private, in secret, that I feel ready to share but couldn't until now.
The Sunday before Thanksgiving my husband informed me that he was leaving me - after the 1st of the year. I was frozen in shock...he gave me a long list of my faults and told me he wasn't willing to go to counseling. He claims to be a Methodist minister but the brutality of the content and style of his message was anything but Christian. He advised me to find a therapist to deal with my problems, but wouldn't answer direct questions about the real message - "are you writing me off?"
The kiss off conversation started when I protested that he had just gotten back from a 2 wk trip in Europe - new clothes, new luggage - and was talking about buying an iPad. You see, he hasn't contributed a dime to household expenses in almost 2 years. I couldn't believe that he was now talking about buying something - that I would love but decided I couldn't afford - so I pressed him about that. So,he clobbered me. The timing - right before the holidays - was particularly cruel. And the specifics about when he was leaving he would not answer. And this was a secret - I wasn't to tell my family or friends and he wasn't going to tell his kids and friends until after the holidays. Are you following this? He ruined my holidays but let's not touch his or his kids. He kept saying he had gotten over me years ago and the pain I was feeling he felt then too. Rationalization.
That first week was awful - I had scheduled vacation for that week and didn't have work to distract me. I did find a therapist - and a lawyer - the next day. I also spent the afternoon with my best friend, confessing all and what had been going on in my marriage over the last 4 years. And went to see my doctor - since part of the accusations had to do with physical problems I had - who was very kind, prescribed an antidepressant, and so kindly prayed with me before I left the office. He expected me - and I did - fix unThanksgiving dinner for his family and friends - one of whom is I am certain acting as his attorney and who he, BTW, dated in high school - that came out over dinner. UnThanksgiving because we had to schedule our Thanksgiving around his kids and his ex-wife's wishes. I had been invited to my best friend's home for Thanksgiving with her and a friend who I ironically haven't seen since our wedding 7 1/2 years ago. But no, I worked like a dog to fix a nice dinner for his family and friends and make everything look "normal".
Since then, with the help of my family and friends, and a great therapist, I've gained clarity. One of my flaws is that when I love someone, no matter what they do or say, it takes me forever to figure out that those feelings are not returned. And what that ties into is my secret - I don't feel worthy of love. Always a struggle for me and something that I need to work on. I recognize the thing that I most feared - being abandoned and being alone - had already happened long ago. And I was ok - I was broken but not beaten. And I needed to move on. I also have come to understand how many friends I really do have. And how I am loved. Just not at home. My trip to LA this week was fraught with worry - I gave him the papers for the divorce ironically on the 7 1/2 anniversary exactly - and he was trying to negotiate staying longer. I stayed awake the night before I left with that little message - and finally told him the next morning that his message was devoid of kindness and compassion. I was showing him more than enough kindness and compassion allowing him to stay in this house and put on the charade of Christmas with his family. You see, I've gone home to be with my family - after decorating the house by myself - for the last 3 years. He encouraged me to do this again this year months ago - under the guise of my mother's age - and was still expecting me to do that again - after emotionally napalming me before the holidays! I haven't touched so much as an ornament here. Instead, I helped my best friend and her family decorate their tree.
So, I've gained understanding, awareness, stopped shaking all the time and started to heal. I am reconnecting myself with my friends and had to do that with my Spark family as well. I ask for your understanding and support - which I know in my heart I can count on.