Disappointed - I did EXACTLY what I said I wouldn't do!!
Saturday, December 17, 2011
I'm so disappointed in myself (and angry)! I did exactly what I said I wouldn't do. I let him (my husband) get to me... and I ate. He irritates me so much! Eating seems to be the only thing that makes me feel better.
I swore this time, I wasn't going to let him do that to me. This time I was going to stand strong and let his attitude roll off my back. But... I didn't! As soon as he pissed me off... I waited until he went to our bedroom (as I slept on the couch last night) and I grabbed a handful of chocolate chips! A little later, I ate a cup of whale crackers... and about an hour or two after that, another cup of whale crackers! At the time, I didn't care.... it just felt good to eat something.
I HATE that someone has this kind of power over me.... that I'm too weak to make a stand. I know that a marriage shouldn't be this way... but mine is! There's only so much I can do at this point in my life... I'm sort of stuck between a rock and a hard place. I would like nothing more than for my husband to be kind and caring... and to actually love & support me... but I NEVER see that happening. He is one of those who has no faults (so he thinks).
Somehow... I have to remember that I'm doing this for ME! And that every time I allow him to get to me... I'm taking another piece away... I'm taking a step back. I don't like being weak (in mind)... I want desperately to lose this weight... but HOW do I keep him from getting under my skin???
I plan to work out extra hard today... If it hadn't had been so late at night last night, I would have jumped on my treadmill to relieve some of the stress... but my treadmill is old and it's not the quietest thing in the world... it would have surely woken someone up!!
Today... I'm going to desperately try to stick to my plan... keep tracking my fitness and nutrition and focus on ME, ME, ME!!!
Member Comments About This Blog Post
I'm so sorry you are having these challenges. Relationships are HARD work!!! Maybe you can substitute lifting weights, doing some sit-ups, or going for a brisk walk for eating the food?
2184 days ago
There's 2 things you have know about us guys: 1) We don't have a clue about anything but try to act like we do and 2) I don't remember number 2.
My wife and I have found a good place, I tell her "I love you" and she says "I love you more" and I reply with "Of course you do, otherwise how could you put up with me".
I hope that you and your husband can find a good place for your relationship also.
2187 days ago
Wow!! I am so sorry that this happened to you and I am sure the last thing you want is a guys opinion...but, I am going to give one to you anyways. :-)
I can imagine how difficult it is for you to NOT turn to food. I have that same exact issue in my life. When I feel down or someone hurts me emotionally, I always used to go where I received the most comfort - food. I ate not because I needed to but because I could enjoy it without any repercussions, or so I thought. Food has this way of making us feel better as it has no judgement...no feelings...and does not fight back. But, the damage it does to us in the long run is not helpful in any way, shape or form.
For you to really be able to stand up to this, two things have to occur (one much easier than the other):
1. You need something else to lean on other than food. For me, it is my job and working out - or SparkPeople. I can immerse myself in the online world and allow my mind to drift away from what bothers me. Or, I can take my frustration and anger out on the pavement where I not only can cool off and think, but also get the benefits of exercise.
2. You have to find a way to be upfront about how you are feeling and let your husband know that you are not happy with how he is treating you or making you feel. Please note, that this does not change things for you unless he responds to it (which it sounds like he wont). But, it will allow you to get it off of your shoulders. It releases the burden off of you so you do not have to carry it around. Of course, you may still have to do #1, but that may be a given in your situation.
Just know this...and this is coming from a man who is on marriage #2, although #1 never should have happened, as 21 year old guys are not meant to marry 39 year old women (long story and not for here). I have come to understand that in life we are never put in situations that we do not have the ability to overcome or withstand. There is such power and emotion inside of us that we are unable to fully comprehend all that we can do. Even when we feel like we cannot handle things, a door always opens that allows us to move away from the situation or to allow friends to come in and help.
I am sure this is a trying time for you and you definitely sound unhappy about it, but know that there are people out in the world who care about you and are here for you to provide an encouraging word or some kindly advice.
Be strong. Be courageous. Be a Spark and don't let this bring you down!
2187 days ago
Thank you. I know that it's going to take some time for me to "toughen up"... and I can't wait for the day that I'm able to make better, healthier choices for me & my life! I really need to focus on being a stronger person (on the inside).
2187 days ago
Hey Girl, I've been there. Done that. I had a self-centered & controlling husband & a troubled teenage son. Double Trouble! What finally worked for me was to steel myself when I felt the wave of rage overcoming me. One day I determined that I had to get control of the situation rather than them having control over me. It was hard - especially the first few times. But when I felt that anger growing while I listened to the put downs, I decided NOT TO RESPOND! I just stood there and took it but I had become a rock. After yerk husband finally got tired of yelling at me and stormed out of the room, I took a deep breath and considered that I had won that round. Surely, he would never understand that but I knew I had won because I did not respond and I just let him blow out. I did not get roped into anoter confrontation with him that would be come a battle of who could out yell, out insult the other. Believe me it was hard and I was shaking inside. But I felt so good that I did it again and again and again. In time, it was easier to do and in time, I could just shrug it off. Once I got that personal control and inner feeling of survival and power and yes, victory, I was able to make better choices regarding my food intake and food selections. End of story is that hubby & I divorced and in time, my relationship with my son was restored. He is now married to a wonderful young woman who is a blessing to both of us. We have a small but loving 3 person family. I have many freinds, a good job and a good church environment. I feel good about myself and I will never let anyone put me down like that again. Hang tough. You can do it. Get counseling. It helped me. I am praying for you.
2187 days ago
Sorry he got to you.
2187 days ago
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