OK, it's still happening.

I'm still not entirely sure why. I don't get a clear feeling, emotion, memory when it happens. I just get choked up, to the point where I can't keep running.

The last time it happened, I did a round of EFT tapping--even though I cry while running, I deeply and completely....

Felt roughly a million times better.

Did another round: even though I cry while running, I choose to keep running [as in, keep using this as a regular exercise, as opposed to keep running while I'm sobbing, which I physically can't do because the asthma kicks in]. This really quickly morphed into "even though I cry because I feel like a failure when running...."

Ah.

Finally. Something I can work with.

OK, so let's look at this from another angle, shall we?

It's not the running that's the problem. For most of the time I'm running--the movement, the breathing, the pace, the blood pumping... they all combine to make me feel great.

But after half an hour, the mind games start up.

I keep setting myself these goals, you see. Today's 5K has to be at least as good as my fastest. I should be at [whatever] distance by [whatever] time. Why can't I make progress? Why can't I go faster? Why do I hate running longer than 40 minutes? Why.... choke.

OK. What if instead of setting myself a goal of a certain distance, and then getting all worked up if I'm not going fast enough, I set myself a goal based only on time? After all, I am running for two reasons. For my overall health, and to have the strength and stamina to dance for hours whenever the opportunity presents itself. Heh.

The last time I ran, my goal was 30 minutes. Including warmup and cool down walking. That's it.

The crying still started about 24 minutes in--but I could push through it, since I was a minute away from the running goal, not 1.5 K away.

Finished the run, and saw that even with ~9 minutes walking, I did 4K in 30. Which means my actual running was better.... AND I finished feeling good, instead of having those lingering feelings of failure.

I am going to take this as my plan through January. Whatever improvement I make to my speed, great. If I feel like running more than 30 minutes, great. But if I do feel like stopping at 30 min, I've met my goal.

Part of me is worried that I'm letting myself off too easy by doing this. That I should be challenging myself a little more. But I think I will put off addressing this worry--and possibly coming up with new challenges--until I see how this 30min plan goes.

(All of which will be more interesting, since FIL is at our house for 3 weeks, and the treadmill is currently in the hall....)