It is 4:03 am and I can't sleep. I just have a lot on my mind. I used to work with a guy who would tell me "Girl, you may have a lot of problems but an overcrowded mind is not one of them."
I had company this week and in an effort to clean, as I am wont to do, I started shoving things in boxes and bags and placing these boxes and bags in various places out of sight. At one point I stopped using boxes and bags and just started filling drawers and cabinets with stuff. Out of sight, out of mind.
My house looks good right now. Some more discerning people might walk into my house and see that the floorboards could use a wipe down and the walls need new paint but I think, comparatively speaking, it looks pretty good. Just don't open a door or a drawer....any of them.
Most of my house looked this good about 3 weeks ago when we had company. I emailed a friend at the time and said "I invited everyone back for December 13, I am going to do my best to keep the house clean until then, that's my goal." Well, little by little, a cup left out here, a box to sort there, a few days of skipped laundry, etc. the house looked like an episode of Hoarders in no time. I had to start from scratch to get it clean again.
In April 2010 I started a weight loss journey. Actually it was more of a this-depression-and-extra-weig
-I-can-make-it-another-day journey. I weighed an all-time high of 270 pounds and was in a pretty dark place. I was able to lose about 50 pounds through exercise and modified eating. I started the new year, 2011 weighing 227, just 7 pounds over my wedding weight.
By April 2011 I had given up hope and slowly (or not as the case may be) started putting weight back on. None of this is new if you've been following my Spark Blog for any length of time. I have now gained about 30 pounds since April. My weight is right around 250.
I think if you could crack me open and look inside, you'd see boxes and bags full of miscellaneous stuff. Clutter. Body clutter. I read one time that a person who lives in clutter has a cluttered mind. I scoffed at that at the time. I did *NOT* have a cluttered mind. But as I sit here now I believe that 110%. I can't focus, I can't remember anything. I missed my Zumba class the other morning, despite having set the alarm. I woke up, ready to face the day, I got up, started doing laundry, read my Bible, made breakfast. About 10:00, 1/2 hour after my class starts, I remembered, "Oh yeah, THAT'S why I set the alarm," Doofwad.
ANYWAYS, I realize now that as I was exercising and losing weight, it was all good - those are healthy things. But my mom was a dietician and I grew up in America, of course I know how to diet and exercise. What I don't know how to do is deal with emotions or how to stop self-medicating.
I laid here on the couch last night watching a show online with my husband. Had a good day, not eating wise but emotionally. If you asked me I would tell you I was content and satisfied. And yet I ate about 4 mini York peppermint patties and 5 Hershey's kisses. Why? I wasn't hungry, I wasn't sad. Well, I must have been something. There are boxes and bags and just handfuls of random stuff thrown into my inner closet.
God and I have a lot of work to do. One of my favorite stories/tracts is one I've had since I was 12 or 13 called "My Heart, Christ's Home" in which the author goes through every room in his house and talks about what Christ would change. I just found and reread this the other day and he talks about some putrid, rotting smell coming from a hall closet. Christ asks him what that awful smell is, it smells as if something has died and is decaying. The author scoffs at the suggestion and downplays it but even he can't deny the smell is overwhelming. Christ suggests the author open the door but he refuses so Jesus asks permission to open it. Once there the author realizes hidden sins that he had either forgotten or was in denial that they were there.
My sins aren't such that I am in denial or have forgotten (although I'm not suggesting there aren't unrealized sins in my life) but more of a refusal to let them go. I *LIKE* eating. I *LIKE* the cool creaminess of ice cream. I have very fond memories of certain foods with certain occasions. I *LIKE* Coca Cola. A lot. A whole lot. It's just simply out and out rebellion.
If you were to come over to my house and ask me to open up all of my drawers and doors I'm pretty certain you would be aghast. I'm even fairly certain you wouldn't ever come back to my house again and the irrational side of me whispers that your probably wouldn't even be my friend anymore. I know that is Satan whispering lies to me because if you don't want to be my friend because I don't have a good filing system then I probably don't need to be friends with you.
But I simply must open these drawers and doors in my heart and let God in to help me organize, declutter and sweep it all out. Because losing all the excess weight is not going to solve the core issues of sneak eating and binge eating. Only letting Jesus heal those areas and fill them up with His Holy Spirit is going to do that.