In "Breakfast at Tiffany.s" Holly Golightly says she does not have the blues--she has the mean reds. Wow, do I know what that feels like. The blues can make me want to hold up an lick my wounds. The mean reds are way different--the flight or flight response is way too close to the surface. I still want to be left alone but there's something else--fear? anger? --under the surface.

I guess its the old "not fair" syndrome. To me it looks like everyone else is having a good time and I'm miserable. I'm smart enough to know that what I see is not necessarily the whole story. But I'm not smart enough to handle it on an emotional level.

Some years I handle the holidays fine. Its not a particularly happy time for me but I get through it. But some other years have been pretty grim. I really don't want to stay in this dark place but I haven't found a way out of it yet. Of course I am turning to that old comforting mechanism---food. And there is too much that is tempting. The scale is creeping back up. So since this is one aspect of my life I can control I guess I better take control of it right here, right now.