You may NOT want to read....I had to get it out! :(
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Not sure how this is going to turn out but here goes...
If you do not like hearing people whine, please turn back now. I know I really do not enjoy reading those blogs but if I don't get this out I really do not see me getting back my spark any time soon. This is mainly for me but if you can help please feel free to read or comment. Please do not judge or be rude, I'm really not in the mood for any of that. Thanks!
Well as many of you know, I have not been on here like I normally am. (and I really miss this). I have gained weight and some days I don't even care.
My house looks like crap and I've done nothing but cried lately. For those who don't know I lost a daughter years ago, yes I have been blessed w/two more very beautiful, healthy, smart daughters. I thought I had finally found a way of dealing w/this. I love to help others so I do that but something happened a few weeks back & I can do nothing but think about it. Roxanne has been All I can think about. My youngest daughter put my tree up the weekend after Thanksgiving (thank God it is pre-lit) or it would still have no lights. She finally put the tinsel on the tree. I decided today that I would put some ornaments on & every time I start I think about throwing it out the window!
I usually LOVE Christmas. I don't want to ruin it for everyone else. My oldest & my husband have been at each others throats today. (He stopped smoking Sunday) I'm so proud of him and HOPE & PRAY he will stop for good this time but
of ALL times to quit, we are both NOT GREAT to live with right now. I shut down or
and he who is NEVER ill is biting everyone's head off!
I want to Run away & stay gone. I find myself looking for stuff to do just to get away from everyone. I am so DONE CRYING!!
On top of that a dear church member (LOVE YOU Dianne) passed away Saturday & we all know she is better off. She's been really sick for a while but her husband is so Broken. When I'm not thinking about Roxanne, my brain goes to Wayne and Dianne. I tried watching tv, everything made me cry. I try reading blogs and I'm so proud of others but I'm finding it so hard to even leave comments. I had some really good advice from a few Beautiful Sp. Friends and my sister & I know this too will pass. I will just be so glad to hear a Christmas song on the radio and not feel like turning it or jerking it out of the car and chunking it out the car window.