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You may NOT want to read....I had to get it out! :(

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Not sure how this is going to turn out but here goes...

If you do not like hearing people whine, please turn back now. I know I really do not enjoy reading those blogs but if I don't get this out I really do not see me getting back my spark any time soon. This is mainly for me but if you can help please feel free to read or comment. Please do not judge or be rude, I'm really not in the mood for any of that. Thanks!

Well as many of you know, I have not been on here like I normally am. (and I really miss this). I have gained weight and some days I don't even care. emoticon My house looks like crap and I've done nothing but cried lately. For those who don't know I lost a daughter years ago, yes I have been blessed w/two more very beautiful, healthy, smart daughters. I thought I had finally found a way of dealing w/this. I love to help others so I do that but something happened a few weeks back & I can do nothing but think about it. Roxanne has been All I can think about. My youngest daughter put my tree up the weekend after Thanksgiving (thank God it is pre-lit) or it would still have no lights. She finally put the tinsel on the tree. I decided today that I would put some ornaments on & every time I start I think about throwing it out the window! emoticon I usually LOVE Christmas. I don't want to ruin it for everyone else. My oldest & my husband have been at each others throats today. (He stopped smoking Sunday) I'm so proud of him and HOPE & PRAY he will stop for good this time but emoticon of ALL times to quit, we are both NOT GREAT to live with right now. I shut down or emoticon and he who is NEVER ill is biting everyone's head off! emoticon I want to Run away & stay gone. I find myself looking for stuff to do just to get away from everyone. I am so DONE CRYING!!

On top of that a dear church member (LOVE YOU Dianne) passed away Saturday & we all know she is better off. She's been really sick for a while but her husband is so Broken. When I'm not thinking about Roxanne, my brain goes to Wayne and Dianne. I tried watching tv, everything made me cry. I try reading blogs and I'm so proud of others but I'm finding it so hard to even leave comments. I had some really good advice from a few Beautiful Sp. Friends and my sister & I know this too will pass. I will just be so glad to hear a Christmas song on the radio and not feel like turning it or jerking it out of the car and chunking it out the car window.

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    emoticon emoticon
    2257 days ago
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    2263 days ago
    I am so sorry for your lost!I know how you feel i went through a lost myself years agao ..I am here for you anytime...Things do get better,....Hang in there...Hugs!
    2272 days ago
    I'm so sorry Becky, I wish I could give you a real hug. I'm proud of you for talking about what's going on and I think acknowledging your thoughts and feelings and getting it out will be immensely helpful. I cannot imagine losing a child, however I have seen the pain and loss in my sisters-in-law. One lost two children (Amelia & Max) mid-way through her pregnancies within the past few years and the other lost her son (Vincent) 18 years ago, he was just over a year old. 18 years later and even my husband still cries for his nephew. Don't feel bad or guilty for feeling your emotions and loving your little girl. I found this poem and it made me think of you. You are an amazing person and I will be praying for you =)

    A Bend In The Road
    When we feel we have nothing left to give
    and we are sure that the song has ended,
    When our day seems over and the shadows fall
    and the darkness of night has descended,
    Where can we go to find the strength
    to valiantly keep on trying?
    Where can we find the hand that will dry
    the tears that the heart is crying?

    There's but one place to go and that is to God,
    and dropping all pretense and pride,
    We can pour out our problems without restraint
    and gain strength with Him at our side.
    And together we stand at life's crossroads
    and view what we think is the end.

    But God has a much bigger vision,
    and He tells us it's only a bend,
    For the road goes on and is smoother,
    and the pause in the song is a rest,
    And the part that's unsung and unfinished
    is the sweetest and richest and best.

    So rest and relax and grow stronger
    let go and let God share your load.
    Your work is not finished or ended
    you've just come to a bend in the road.
    2281 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/20/2011 12:20:57 PM
  • VLEON7108
    I am so sorry for your loss Becky emoticon emoticon I may not understand your pain but I am always here for you to talk too. I am very good listener. emoticon I think you should ask your girls to help out a little more with the decorations. I did that with my sis when she was down. She said it helped a little. I think you also need to talk about what your feeling.
    2285 days ago
    I can't imagine losing and child, and just because you have had two more it doesn't mean that she could ever be replaced. I'll be praying for you, and I know that you will be ok... If you ever need to vent to me, feel free.
    2286 days ago
    Sometimes it's NOT the most wonderful time of the year.

    Especially when you feel like your heart is broken.

    If you haven't done it already, please think about taking your daughters aside to tell them that you need them and ask them to decorate the house, as much or as little as they want.

    Then, just give yourself permission to feel crappy. Cry until you can't cry anymore. Grab a notebook, and write about what you're feeling until you get to what's really making your heart ache. You've got to get rid of the tears so God can fill you up with light again.
    2286 days ago
    2287 days ago
    The holidays can be very tough! I'm so sorry you are going through this pain. Like GIALADIVA said, maybe going for a short walk just to clear your head will help! Congrats to your husband for stopping smoking. Talk to somebody if you have to. Don't bottle this up!!!!
    2287 days ago

    Just because I understand a bit how you feel and sometimes all you need is a emoticon

    So I am giving you two
    2287 days ago
    I'm sorry for the pain you are going through. I pray that God will give you peace. Sometimes reflecting and spending time alon is good. I find that walking helps me clear my head and although I know you dont feel like working out dont consider it that. Take sometime to walk in the night when the stars are out andf it's just you and the path your walking. It tends to bring clarity and if nothing else pray. Your friends and family are right this too shall strong. You will be in my prayers.
    2287 days ago
  • MRE1956
    I am so sorry to hear of your struggles during this time - it's things like this that really make me question the wisdom of having "holidays" - the blunt truth is that "life happens" and it can be quite cruel at of my special holiday related "hot buttons" is seeing people not only happy, but (either deliberately or unconsciously) FLAUNTING THEIR HAPPINESS AROUND FOR ALL TO SEE despite others being miserable - well, it just boils my blood!

    Yeah, I'm dealing with a few issues right now, and yeah, they're really not catastrophic in the grand scheme of things, but they're enough to have me quite irritated.....but after reading your story I must say I've received a much-needed "reality check" ..... I must thank you for this......sometimes life's issues can get me a bit self-centered....sigh.....

    I must give your husband credit for stopping smoking (my mom tried and tried but never fully conquered Demon Tobacco), but the holiday season is definitely not the best time for that.....I wish him all the best (and you and your family in dealing)!

    2287 days ago
    My heart aches for you Becky. Through all our conversation on here I have faith you will find a way to get past this and enjoy Christmas with your friends and family. Good luck to the Hubby, mine is quitting on 12/21 and he smokes 3 1/2 packs a day. Take care of yourself my friend! emoticon
    2287 days ago
  • JAMER123
    I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time!! What you have written seems to me that you are very depressed. This is the time of the year when it happens to many people, especially those that have lost loved ones. I hurt every Dec. 16th as this is the day my father passed away suddenly. it will be 18 yrs. this year and I still hurt. This is normal but depression isn't. Do you have a lot of sun in your area? Do you take extra Vit. D (the sunshine Vit.)? You could be suffering from SAD, Seasonal Affective Disorder. Have you talked to your Dr. about your feelings or gone to someone outside your home like a pastor or another person? Please look into talking with a non family member as soon as possible. You have lost a dear friend no matter what it was. So many things to work through. Congrats to your DH & I too hope he can kick it this time but you are his sounding board right now and he can't be yours until he is clear of the nicotine. Good luck and I hope you can find some relief of some stress. Blessings to you and your family.
    2287 days ago
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