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    MARTHASPARKS   31,017
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WARNING: BAD MOOD DAY

Sunday, December 11, 2011

I was in a lousy mood today. I was full of feelings that I didn't like. One of my friends and I went to look at a different house in our neighborhood that they may buy. From the minute I saw the house, I was envious, lonely, and angry. It's only a few streets away but I don't want her to move. I haven't made many friends yet and she is the best of those I have. The house my dream house in every way, twice the size of ours. I was jealous and felt dissatisfied with what I have, partially because I felt that my husband reneged on some promises he made when we moved. You've heard of men with penis envy - well, I am a woman with house envy.
I went home (fortunately the DH was gone) cried and pitched a fit. Then I cleaned our house maniacally.
This is rare for me. I am usually incredibly grateful for the blessing that fill my life. We have a wonderful home, a gorgeous daughter who is a doctor and close to both of us, plenty of food to eat, a great extended family, time to manage my health problems, health insurance and no real financial problems.
I am embarassed and ashamed of myself. I even scared my dog. He was the only witness to this meltdown and he will never tell. I guess that I am sharing this so that all of you know that I am not ALWAYS happy, upbeat, and nice. Sometimes, I am an evil tempered, ungrateful witch.
Fortunately, when I am really upset, I completely lose my appetite. I have said my prayers to ask forgiveness for my faults and actions today. I'm fine now but I realize that I am lonely and need to get out and do some volunteer work and make some friends. It's also a full moon...
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DIANEDOESSMILES 12/13/2011 1:18AM

    Dearest Martha,, I think "house envy" is something A LOT of us have. For it's ALSO a STATUS symbol in our STUPID society. WELL HOW DUMB IS THAT I ASK !!???? After all should NOT IT BE "how NICE are you? What kindlesses in life do you DO? What type of personality do you POSSES?" ThOSE type of things that matter? I live next to the richest area in my state,,and BELIEVE ME house envy here is RAMPANT !!!! But, you know what? Being a Jeh Wit has taught me MUCH !!!! For I've gotten to KNOW many of these people on a personal level with calling on them. Some are "somewhat tatty tat tat nice" Some "talk down to others" A FEW are genuinely nice, though that's RARE ! So ask urself,, WHAT TYPE of person DO YOU WANT to be? A BIG house person,,, personality? Or a NICE home (notice I said HOME ! NOT HOUSE !) person. A place where others can come and LAUGH and REALLY ENJOY THINGS, cos YOUR REAL and NOT some SNOTTY type of person having to KEEP UP with the neighbors, and yes with a bigger house, comes attitude. How would "I" Know? I GREW UP that way !!! We lived in a huge house, rich area. We HAD to my friends said, be BETTER THAN others, because of the area we lived in. I had started off in humble means, and did NOT LIKE IT than moved there. It was NOT ME, but I HAD to or I lost my "new friends". See there's NO WINNING with a "bigger house" and the tude with it hon.

So please ENJOY What it is you have now. WOOHOOOO ! CELEBRATE what you have, make it HOME as it is!!!! Be GLAD your NOT having to do as I did. Its NOT a nice feeling, when i finally moved out on my own, I FINALLY became ME again. THe person I WAS INSIDE of me. The humble , FUN , LOVING Diane you see today. NOT THE SNOB I was TOLD to be,,,by the way,,,I was NOT good at it. YOu be YOU Martha,,, ENJOY YOUR HOME !! Be satified with it hon. As someone else said,, LESS TO CLEAN !!!! WOOHOOO Gives ya morah (LOL My ME accent) time to Excerise and shop ! OH YEAH AND SHOP cos ALL UR $$$ is NOT tied up on a morgage you may NOT afford latah on,,,when things become hard,,if they do. Should they,,, we can NOT tell what the future will bring,, smaller is MORE secure !

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MARVEEME 12/13/2011 12:03AM

    Yup, that full moon makes us lunar/light sensitive, well, loony, eh? The ugly green monster of greed is at work, and only you can evict him. If this friend's choice of their next abode turns out to come to full fruition in the house you describe, I want you to build this thought in your head:

You will NOT have to keep a house that big CLEAN (window glass and baseboards included) every day for the rest of your life.

Jeez.......you already have more time to CHOOSE how to spend it than she'll have in decades if she buys that shell....and remember, it's just a shell until a home is made in it. You, my dear, have a home, not a shell. Never forget it.

The emancipated feeling I had when my DD owned a house bigger than mine was completely in perspective. I could then pass the torch for HER to throw the parties and the family Thanksgiving and holiday family gatherings. THAT IS WHAT MAKES ME OVERTLY POSITIVE. 30 years of service was enough to inspire others to do, and to take pleasure in attending, such functions, without guilt, or greed, complicating things.

Let it go. Really. And plan on what bottle of wine you'll buy to keep refrigerated to celebrate with them either the approval of the mortgage on their next step abode, or the lack thereof privately and without explanation with DH, however God makes it work. Don't let the green monster impede your constant joy, just stick it to him.

Many blessings!

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CHLOESUE 12/12/2011 8:44PM

    Martha...you have had some big life changes this year with your move to Nashville and your daughter's marriage.You have every right to feel the way you do and to feel lonely.It will all work out in time.Thanks for sharing your inner most self.We are all human and have our good days and bad.
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KELLYBEANER77 12/12/2011 8:04PM

    Sharing your bad day with us is part of you allowing yourself to move forward...we all have bad days...and most of us still move forward....and this includes me...last week I walked out on a study date cause I was lost and confused and I felt I was left out (in a threesome) and I felt like I was gonna cry...later I apologized, finally let down the wall so I could understand what I couldn't understand earlier...and life goes on...it just called being human....

I hope today was a much better day for you :)

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TINAJANE76 12/12/2011 7:01PM

    Sorry to hear that you had such a bad moment...happens to the best of us, even (or maybe especially) those of us who are known for their sunny demeanors emoticon

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TKJUDGE 12/12/2011 3:51PM

    Awww, It will get better!! Keep your chin up!! We are all allowed to have days like this!!

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MAMAKITTY10 12/12/2011 11:42AM

  sending emoticon your way, dear friend.

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ITS_MY_TURN_NOW 12/12/2011 11:35AM

    "Sometimes, I am an evil tempered, ungrateful witch..."
Well, I would say that I have my "moments" as well. I think that makes us human! So even if that statement is true, you also have a kind and compassionate heart which you share with a lot of us here on SparkPeople so forgive yourself. It's ok if you aren't perfect. I suffer from "house-envy" too... but in my case, it is decisions and choices that I made about my own life that led us to live where and how we do. So I really have only myself to thank or blame depending on the moment! LOL
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Julee

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MPENNE 12/12/2011 10:14AM

    Good cries and tantrums can be like spring thunderstorms. They can be scary but when they are over the air is clean and the sky so clear. Hugs.

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LIBBYG7 12/12/2011 9:42AM

    Martha, my friend....
Sorry you had such a painful day. I think there were issues surfacing, much more important than the size of a house. Unresolved issues...can fester and explode. Can you try to work them out??

Years ago, I used to envy people with 'bigger, better, nicer, thinner' etc. etc.
Now.....the only thing I envy in others is their good health. That's all. Because that's everything.

Drop me a line...OK?

Hugs.... emoticon

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MARYANNGI 12/12/2011 9:37AM

    What everyone else said. On days like this, I have the good cry remember what I have to be thankful for and then do something special for myself.

And being a with once in a while comes with the territory and it ssounds like you have a lot going on right now. Hope today is better day.

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RUFFIT 12/12/2011 9:15AM

    I am only human and emotions follow!!

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CLIMBERS_ROCK 12/12/2011 8:54AM

    What everyone else said. I feel sooo much better now knowing I'm not alone with those kinds of feelings.

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ELIZRN 12/12/2011 7:49AM

  OMG....the childSelf is OUT!!!! Isn't she something else?? Then there is the thing about the friend moving away. LOL That little girl thing. Look back into your life, especially the early years & you will find the "file of mind programs" that were triggered yesterday. Move yours to the bottom shelf of your mind library, but way in the back. And....get on with your life. It's your gift.

Lately, I've been finding myself envious of people who have living children. Families who all "seem" so happy & joyful. Of course, this is another fantasy, but after losing Michael I am brought to my knees on what I think to be true. That damn childSelf. Meanwhile, I forget that I have been given so much. But, dear friend, this is how we learn our life lessons...one experience at a time. We grow from contrast & from observing our emotions. Then, we can choose or self-correct. So consider yesterday a blessing.

Smiles,
eliz

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SMIDGON 12/12/2011 6:03AM

    You sound a lot like me!

Only it increases my appetite. I guess we all have our crosses' to bear. I am glad you are better.

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KASEYCOFF 12/12/2011 5:02AM

    "Sometimes, I am an evil tempered, ungrateful witch..."

Ain't we all?

The good part is - you're aware of the ugly feelings, you've gotten some of it out of your system (nothing wrong with the occasional hyssie fit, lol), and you're working to re-focus. All pluses, against what is essentially just human nature.

I've been finding myself saying 'It could be worse' in response to a lot of - stuff, for lack of a better word. But I'm wondering if that's just a back-handed way of hanging onto the negative instead of doing a 180-degree turn and really concentrating on the positive.

Now see? Your public rant has given me real food for thought. Insight's a wonderful thing, ain't?
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APRIL_IN_MN 12/12/2011 3:06AM

    I completely understand. I need to curb the green-eyed monster many times, and often it's when I am with my bestie. Selfish, I know, but I keep comparing our lives and that's just dumb on my part. I, too, pray for forgiveness and give myself a firm talking to.

Tomorrow will be a better day. Hang in there. Those witchy moments are not pretty, but they are reality.

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SHANTI66 12/12/2011 1:03AM

    Woooowooo there Missy. An ungrateful witch you are not! You are a good witch! emoticon who has been quite stressed and busy lately and threw a "How come I don't get the Barbie-Doll Dream House" fit. All had em. Still do. Full moon related - - Totally. Interesting comments people have left who have downsized and love it (I know, I know -- you want the Barbie House). Being human means being full of it (remember, I'm a psychologist emoticon
Loves Yah,
Autumn
xoxoxo
PS. These "normal" days suck to feel them so I hope you are feeling better and thanks for your honesty too! emoticon

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KSPIRIT1 12/12/2011 12:14AM

    OMG, how I love you! Thank you for sharing so honestly. Don't be too hard on yourself. We have all experienced envy, jealousy, and loneliness from time to time. You did the right thing by sharing - which takes the negative feelings away and making a gratitude list. You are also planning an action step to volunteer. You may call your day a lousy one -- I call it a growth spurt and I'm proud of you. emoticon

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ALOHAEV1 12/11/2011 11:17PM

    Well some friends are there forever, they may move BUT they are never far away. I'd be willing to bet that when you make a friend, it is a friend forever.

Enjoy your home, you have done so much to make it yours in a short time but don't be upset your bud can't come play because she has more to clean. Downsizing takes some getting used to by the way.

So you had a melt down, cleaned maniacally (have enough energy to come do mine?) and admitted you are human. The full moon will pass, so will this...so in the morning we all expect to see that bright smiley face!



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MOMMA_BEAR_69 12/11/2011 11:05PM

    We are all human and do things at times we wouldn't ordinarily do. Blame it on the moon!!! Hope you are able to find some volunteer work that is a good fit for you.
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UNSTOPPABLE_ 12/11/2011 10:18PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KAYTIE22 12/11/2011 9:10PM

    I know this had to be caused by the full moon! Anyway, you are entitled to something like this once in a while. And after all, look back at the year and everything that happened. You handled each project, plan and situation every step of the way. I think you were also experiencing a release of all those emotions.

I have to agree with TERESA. A larger house means more to clean and less time to spend on more important and fun things. Actually, having your friend move a little further away may turn out to be a good thing. You will still be very close and in contact but it may also give you the opportunity to meet other people which could be a plus.

Another good thing that may come out of this is realizing that you need to get out and do some volunteer work. You have so much to give to other people and I know it will be something you would enjoy. Anyone who can put together a Camp Aunt Sissie (hope I got that right) is destined for doing a lot of good out there.

Anyway, that's just my 2 cents worth. I'm glad you're fine now and wish you a GREAT week. Just in case, give the dog an extra treat in case he was EVEN thinking of spilling the beans.


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SAMI199 12/11/2011 8:55PM

    emoticon

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TERESA159 12/11/2011 8:52PM

    A bigger house just means more to clean. Seriously. We downsized in our last move and I love our little house.
And yes, loneliness sucks! But, that's why we have Spark, right? ;-)

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1COUNTRY_GAL 12/11/2011 8:40PM

    Well,I am finding it difficult to express in words.I do understand and have been there myself,nearly monthly I have these.Ride out the storm,tomorrow is a new day.I have a sneaking suspicion tomorrow will be better! Keep the faith,you will survive and the sun will shine in your heart! emoticon emoticon

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CHOCOHOLIC2276 12/11/2011 8:37PM

    Well it just shows you are human:) emoticon You recognize the things you should be grateful for so that speaks of a good heart. We can all be witchy sometimes, you got past it so it is all good.

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