Sunday, December 11, 2011
I was in a lousy mood today. I was full of feelings that I didn't like. One of my friends and I went to look at a different house in our neighborhood that they may buy. From the minute I saw the house, I was envious, lonely, and angry. It's only a few streets away but I don't want her to move. I haven't made many friends yet and she is the best of those I have. The house my dream house in every way, twice the size of ours. I was jealous and felt dissatisfied with what I have, partially because I felt that my husband reneged on some promises he made when we moved. You've heard of men with penis envy - well, I am a woman with house envy.
I went home (fortunately the DH was gone) cried and pitched a fit. Then I cleaned our house maniacally.
This is rare for me. I am usually incredibly grateful for the blessing that fill my life. We have a wonderful home, a gorgeous daughter who is a doctor and close to both of us, plenty of food to eat, a great extended family, time to manage my health problems, health insurance and no real financial problems.
I am embarassed and ashamed of myself. I even scared my dog. He was the only witness to this meltdown and he will never tell. I guess that I am sharing this so that all of you know that I am not ALWAYS happy, upbeat, and nice. Sometimes, I am an evil tempered, ungrateful witch.
Fortunately, when I am really upset, I completely lose my appetite. I have said my prayers to ask forgiveness for my faults and actions today. I'm fine now but I realize that I am lonely and need to get out and do some volunteer work and make some friends. It's also a full moon...