Sunday, December 11, 2011
So, here I am again! This semester has been pretty tough. I applied to Mills College in Oakland www.mills.edu
and I was accepted. It was not easy, but about 30 pounds later I am going to be a Mills woman! lol. This has been one of teh most stressful periods in my clean and sober life. Not just because I am an almost 31 year old mom with serious family issues who is transferring to a competitive college, but because I let myself indulge in unhealthy food behaviors during this transitition. By allowing food to be a temporary coping mechanism I created a subtle undercurrent of self-loathing and self-defeat which has broken me down over time. Now that I am almost done with my time at this junior college, with final exams the last step, I am trying to plan for the next thing in my recovery. I have to. I am gaining weight, too much weight. Recovery for me is not just about being clean and sober, but about being in recovery from my food issues also. I was in the best shape of my life here on sparkpeople, it is almost unbelieveable, but I have the pictures (and the treadmill) to prove it. The investment in the treadmill was an investment in my not letting go of my physical activity despite my owrsening physical problems. But i am over it, emotionally I mean. I am tired of sitting around and "eating to feel better" which I already KNOW only makes me feel worse. Pretty much as soon as it comes out of the microwave lol. Or whatever I make it in. lol. At least I have been eating healthy, that is one thing I kept up!
Ok, so that is it. I jst remembered I am a leader on another team that probably has a glaring "inactive team leader" message, so I need to get over there. Teams are good, I tell you it really does cause accoutnablity. I wanted to come back but I could not get here with finals. As it is, I have to study. When I am done with finals, I wil be able to spend more time on here. BUt, in the mean time, I will just be tracking and tracking my food. It is a good thing I type fast now!