There are days that I admit that I worry about things I have no control over. There are days that I wish I could just sit back and let life unfold and roll with the punches. I already live a high stress life but am trying day by day to work toward something better. I love my job but... I love my bf but... I love my family but... I love myself but... there is - always - a but. The reasons behind them constantly change. What matters though is getting through the day with as positive an attitude as possible and trying to find happiness and strength for the future.
Sometimes, though we are not strong enough. Some turn to alcohol, some to cigarettes, some to drugs, some to other, more harmful methods of coping. And most of us here, we turn, or have turned, to food. Six plus years of impossibly high levels stress made me seek comfort. Comfort turned out to manifest in 70 extra pounds which, of course, made my job harder, my health worse, my relationship more strained, my self confidence fall, and the guilt impossible. So when all came to a head, I took the hard road, and set off to make a difference. I've tried so many times and failed. I know how to succeed... I'd done it once before. But the hard road is exactly that. Hard. So much easier to give in, give up or simply be apathetic. But I knew that things wouldn't get better by themselves.
I've been a part of SparkPeople (officially) for years. But never did anything more than read the articles. Obviously that didn't make me more motivated, though it did educate me immensely. Three months ago, I actually started using the tools provided here. And in those three months, despite even higher stress levels, a month of business travel, and a backlog of work, I've lost 16 pounds.
This week, I gained three back.
This week, I had an ultrasound of a large egg-sized mass around/in/on my thyroid. An egg-sized mass that I didn't know existed until I dropped those 16 pounds. Which of course is a bittersweet paradox: it's good that I lost the 16 pounds to realize that I have the mass so something can be done about it (hopefully so) but bad that the mass actually exists. They couldn't tell much from the ultrasound so I am waiting for a referral from my doctor to have a biopsy done. I know there is no sense in worrying about something I can't do anything about right now but it's so hard not to seek some sort of comfort or fill the fear with food. It's illogical, I know. I know that food won't make it better. I know that all I can do is stay positive and wait for the unknown to be known so I can deal with it better then. But for all the logic, the hard work, and the knowledge, I ended up falling down the rabbit hole again and having an affair... with a tin of my mother's christmas cookies.
Yes, it's not the end of the world. I am three pounds heavier from butter cookies and facing a medical situation that may be as simple as removing a benign mass or fighting a more challenging battle. I had a weak few days where I let go of control and let my fear, emotions and old habits get the better of me. But honestly, the control I do have right now is still powerful. It is changing what I can - what's right in front of me. I have to let go of the stress and fear and not try to eat everything in sight when I'm just seeking to feel "full" but not am hungry. In the immortal words of Dorothy Fields, "Nothing's impossible, I have found; for when my chin is on the ground. I pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again." www.youtube.com/watch?v=
Should you have any good wishes, positive energy, white light, prayers, etc, to spare, please feel free to send them my way. Having support helps with the unknown fear that taunts me... And it just may also help keep the cookies at bay.