I took his breath away…
It was really quite a simple experience but it was so impactful. I went to get my car washed and as I pulled up to the detail shop, the owner and another gentleman were deep in conversation…so deep that he didn’t really glance my way…He just said ‘be right with you sir’. It was then that he did a double take and said, ‘oh, maam’, his voice trailing off as he said ‘maam’. He just stared at me and didn’t say a word and it looked like he was struggling to figure out what to say, like he’d lost his grasp of the English language. The gentleman that he’d been engaged in conversation with, looked at him with such a questioning look, waiting for him to resume their conversation but he kept looking at me with his jaw literally dropped. I was so flattered but of course, the insecurities spoke up really quickly and they told me that I imagined it and that there was no way anyone could have had SUCH a strong reaction to me. Especially not a stranger that didn’t know what a good and sweet person I was…that I hadn’t ‘grown’ on. So the part of me that has grown to love myself so much more told the insecurities to hush, that it really was an authentic reaction and that it was ok that it was directed at me. So the insecurities doubled their attack…they told me that even if it was authentic, I hadn’t gotten out of the car. They told me that your hair is really pretty and you have a pretty enough face but you haven’t gotten out of the car so he hasn’t seen all of THAT. And what did it matter because you made it up anyway, there’s no way a man could react to you like that.
I was so proud of me…the old me would have believed that nonsense…but the new me was just so happy to have experienced it I chose to believe it was authentic because I thought…what could it hurt to believe it! Mind you…this was all of a 30 second encounter. So I get out of the car and I grab my purse and I turn to ask the owner if he needed my keys…and guess what…he’s STILL staring at me.
In the past, I was always uncomfortable when men would stare at me. Either they’re not looking at my face because they’re focused a little bit south…or they’re not looking at my face and looking even further south at the tire around my waist. Either way…I was uncomfortable. But somewhere along the line, as God has loved on me, He’s taught me to love me more. Without my consent or my knowledge, some of the insecurities went away. And this moment reaped the benefit of that..
As Mr owner is staring at me…I ask him if he needs my keys and he finally gathers himself enough to say no. But the guy that He’s talking to mumbles something and he says, oh wait, I do need your keys. He’s still that flustered. So at this point…I tell the insecurities to suck it. I smile and make a very innocent by playful remark about my leaving with the keys. He just shakes his head, never taking his eyes off of me, and instead of joining in my banter about the keys, which is what I expected…he says ‘maam, where is your husband?’. I’ve been asked that before and typically it comes off sounding like a line, a very weak line, delivered by a corner thug with no potential…but when he asked it, there was such a sincerity in his question that for a second I thought he really wanted to talk to my husband and not that he was making a pass. I was caught off guard but I responded with my usual response: “God has not sent him yet”. This normally scares them off. It’s a tactic I realized worked very effectively a long time ago. When I mention I’m trusting God to send Him, it normally bursts through the defenses of whomever is asking and they flee. I’m ok with that because my relationship with God is that important to me, it’s at the forefront of my life and so if a man is intimidated by that answer, it’s in both our best interests that he run.
But again, Mr. Owner surprises me…His answer to my statement….”he just did”. You could have bought me for a nickel. I didn’t show it at all but my knees went weak. It wasn’t just the answer that did it, it was the delivery. There was no scary lustfulness in his speech or his eyes and I liked that. A lot. I honestly have never experienced anything like it at all. Did I mention I liked it…A LOT! So I just smiled and made a comment about seeing how well he cleaned my car and it made him laugh. Which I also liked.
Side bar: I liked to laugh and I like to make people laugh and I like for others around me to like to laugh!
I went to the restaurant next door to the detail shop where I ate a SPARKPEOPLE friendly meal. I went back to the detail shop thinking the encounter was over and my car would be ready. I KNOW my car should have been ready…but oddly enough it wasn’t. I was suspicious but it gave him a chance to be really attentive to me (which I liked). He still had not asked me for my name or number so at this point, it wasn’t the insecurities…it was me, and I thought, oh well…maybe the effects of me wore off that quickly:-). But right when I was getting ready to go, I paid attention and it was as though he was building up the nerve to ask…This man does not seem shy, or self-conscious, or anything of the sort so when the realization happened, I was so flattered at the fact that he was searching for how to do so.
Of course…that was when he messed up
…We were still engaged in sparse small talk and he went back to the husband comment. That was ok. But then he asked if I would call HIM sometime…sorry buddy…I’m not THAT woman. I know I catch flack for it but I’m not a modern woman and don’t pretend to be. I don’t do the calling. So right then, I wrote him off my list but I wanted to let him down gently. I told him something about my busy schedule, and how I’m always on the go and I don’t have time to do a lot of calling. That’s true. His response was SUPPOSED to be the customary acknowledgment that I’d said no and gracefully bowing out. His response…’Well how about texting’. I literally could only laugh but again..the delivery broke down my defenses and the experience of this man REALLY wanting to be in contact with me… not based on me earning it..was refreshing. I don’t want it to sound like he’s the first man to ask for my number…but it was just different. I’m different. I did end up giving him my name and number but the experience itself was just…delightful.
I replayed it a couple of times and I started talking to God and just thanking Him for it. Because I needed that kind of confidence booster. See…I didn’t walk away with any kind of anxiety of if I’d said enough to make an impression…I didn’t walk away fretting over if I was attractive enough…I didn’t even walk away wondering if he was going to call. If he did, he did…if he didn’t , he didn’t. But either way, the experience itself was real and I LIKED IT. Now to be totally transparent
…I did allow myself one quick 10 second divergence, into imagining telling my family how I met my husband:-) but I promise it was quick and I didn’t stay there. Just wanted to see what it might feel like to actually have THAT kind of testimony when God actually sends my husband. Something so little…has completely changed my expectations…now THAT’s the kind of reaction I want. I want to rest in the confidence that my husband thinks I’m breathtaking and not just when I’m trying to be or not just because he loves me. It felt good!
The experience itself was the blessing. Mr. Owner actually did text me a couple of days later. He had absolutely NO conversation, all of his replies were one word answers…it was plain boring. I tried to make the rationale that maybe he just wasn’t a texter and was tempted to excuse it because of our earlier encounter but then decided why? I wasn’t going to force anything. I’m not dating right now but I’m really not lonely. That’s not to say I wouldn’t appreciate companionship but I live a drama free life…so I accept the encounter for the blessing it was and thank God for allowing me to experience it and look forward to the NEXT one
Signed _ A new confidence