I noticed a couple days ago when doing my squats on bathroom break, that I could see the hint of my collarbones in the mirror. Convinced it was a fluke, I blew it off. But again today looking in the mirror during my squats, I see them. Not very defined yet, but I can see the hint. I can feel them there, under a much smaller layer of padding than before.
Much more exciting to me, I noticed in my rear-view mirror that my chin looked more defined, less soft. I saw angles in my face that I haven't seen in years. Again, I was convinced it was a fluke. But after staring at the same angles every day this week I have to admit it - my face is getting thinner.
I AM STARTING TO NOTICE THE CHANGES IN MY BODY VISUALLY!
This is huge for me. Even though I've lost about 55 lbs (54.8 if you want to be picky - yeah I am calling it 55
) I still feel like I haven't gotten smaller. Even though I've gone from wearing size 24 pants to size 18, from 2XL tops to size L, I still see the 267 lb Mrs. BLT in the mirror.
But I'm starting to see the thinner me. I'm starting to match externally what I know, from decreasing clothing sizes, and increased fitness level, is happening.
And it is pretty exciting.
I'd been kinda down on myself thinking, oh, no one will even notice at Anni next year (Anni = Tar Valon's big annual convention/party). Last Anni I am guessing I weighed somewhere around 250-255. I didn't weigh myself at all the month of march so I am guessing off my April 1st weigh in. As of now I am 38-43 lbs smaller than I was last March. Some Tower folks saw me in July when I was 29 lbs heavier than I am now. Some local Tower folks see me more often, so the changes won't be dramatic for those folks.
I feel really vain and petty and silly but I really want to shock people. I want to not feel embarrassed surrounded by all the skinny pretty people. I want to just have fun without worrying that everyone finds me repulsive to look at, and by extention, to be around.
I've decided that it doesn't matter if I'm being petty or vain, and I've also realized on a logical level that no one from the group has judged me based on my weight except for myself.
I gotta repeat that: No one has judged me on my weight except myself.
I recall at last year's Anni there was someone I hadn't met before and I was commenting to my hubby ... she is so beautiful, I wish I had a body like hers. He looked at me funny and commented about how she was actually around my size or a little larger than me. This was the biggest lesson in teaching me that I have no sense of how to accurately judge someone else's body compared to mine. I just seem to automatically view myself as bigger, even bigger than folks who are my size or larger. Which doesn't surprise me - I am so used to being the largest person in the room that I just assume I am bigger.
But it also helped me to start to see that I am an attractive woman. I think I'll be more attractive when I lose weight - that's not anti-fat or being mean to myself, that's just the truth. I think I will be more attractive because I'll be healthier, which translates to more energy, which brings more smiles. And smiles are beautiful. I will be more confident, having succeeded in my goals, and confidence is attractive.
I have been more and more learning how much of this is in the brain and how it really isn't just about losing the weight and magically being a happier, confident person. Not that the loss isn't important, but I need to clean up inside myself as well as toning my outside.
OK.. enough deep thoughts for a Friday. TGIF sparkers!!