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55 lbs down! My chin has definition... and my collarbones are peeking

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Friday, December 09, 2011

I noticed a couple days ago when doing my squats on bathroom break, that I could see the hint of my collarbones in the mirror. Convinced it was a fluke, I blew it off. But again today looking in the mirror during my squats, I see them. Not very defined yet, but I can see the hint. I can feel them there, under a much smaller layer of padding than before.

Much more exciting to me, I noticed in my rear-view mirror that my chin looked more defined, less soft. I saw angles in my face that I haven't seen in years. Again, I was convinced it was a fluke. But after staring at the same angles every day this week I have to admit it - my face is getting thinner.


This is huge for me. Even though I've lost about 55 lbs (54.8 if you want to be picky - yeah I am calling it 55 emoticon ) I still feel like I haven't gotten smaller. Even though I've gone from wearing size 24 pants to size 18, from 2XL tops to size L, I still see the 267 lb Mrs. BLT in the mirror.

But I'm starting to see the thinner me. I'm starting to match externally what I know, from decreasing clothing sizes, and increased fitness level, is happening.

And it is pretty exciting.

I'd been kinda down on myself thinking, oh, no one will even notice at Anni next year (Anni = Tar Valon's big annual convention/party). Last Anni I am guessing I weighed somewhere around 250-255. I didn't weigh myself at all the month of march so I am guessing off my April 1st weigh in. As of now I am 38-43 lbs smaller than I was last March. Some Tower folks saw me in July when I was 29 lbs heavier than I am now. Some local Tower folks see me more often, so the changes won't be dramatic for those folks.

I feel really vain and petty and silly but I really want to shock people. I want to not feel embarrassed surrounded by all the skinny pretty people. I want to just have fun without worrying that everyone finds me repulsive to look at, and by extention, to be around.

I've decided that it doesn't matter if I'm being petty or vain, and I've also realized on a logical level that no one from the group has judged me based on my weight except for myself.

I gotta repeat that: No one has judged me on my weight except myself.

I recall at last year's Anni there was someone I hadn't met before and I was commenting to my hubby ... she is so beautiful, I wish I had a body like hers. He looked at me funny and commented about how she was actually around my size or a little larger than me. This was the biggest lesson in teaching me that I have no sense of how to accurately judge someone else's body compared to mine. I just seem to automatically view myself as bigger, even bigger than folks who are my size or larger. Which doesn't surprise me - I am so used to being the largest person in the room that I just assume I am bigger.

But it also helped me to start to see that I am an attractive woman. I think I'll be more attractive when I lose weight - that's not anti-fat or being mean to myself, that's just the truth. I think I will be more attractive because I'll be healthier, which translates to more energy, which brings more smiles. And smiles are beautiful. I will be more confident, having succeeded in my goals, and confidence is attractive.

I have been more and more learning how much of this is in the brain and how it really isn't just about losing the weight and magically being a happier, confident person. Not that the loss isn't important, but I need to clean up inside myself as well as toning my outside.

OK.. enough deep thoughts for a Friday. TGIF sparkers!!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I too have this experience, been so big for so long it plays games with you. Its been a long time for buying larger clothes now to get smaller ones makes you double check if its for real. Enjoyed what you wrote I needed to pep talk too...thanks,
    1913 days ago
    I just read your blog, it is so funny just this past week when I was looking in the mirror I took a double take and said to my self is that my collarbone ?? It is so nice that my breast do not go all the way to my neck anymore.

    This summer while on vacation with my Bestie, we were out shopping and I would pick up something and ask her what she thought, because I didn't do a lot of shopping for clothes for myself. (But that has changed) She would say to me Debbie that is not going to fit, and right away I would think I guess I need a bigger one, and she said that's to big you need a smaller one. I thought she was crazy and she made me try it on. And the smaller one FIT.

    Like you were saying I still feel like I'm really big, ( its my stomach) but it does feel good every time I try on my skinny clothes and they are to BIG. I've lost 34 pound and would like to drop 25 more.

    I can't believe I was looking forward to seeing my Doctor and having my blood work done this time. And yes they had dropped, he was very happy. I have a few things to work on but, he didn't put me on any medication. He said continue do do what you are doing and we will check you again in six months.

    Thank you again for your blog, I almost felt like I was reading something I had written.
    2013 days ago
    Keep going. You are doing quite well. emoticon
    2133 days ago
  • ANANCY40
    Thank you!!
    2134 days ago
  • DIETER27
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2151 days ago
    I'm happy for you! Mine are starting to show, too!
    2153 days ago
    I know what you mean. Congrats on your great work!
    2177 days ago
    Great blog. I know I am always feeling the same way about being the biggest person in the room. I can't wait for the day when this is no longer true. Not that I wish for someone bigger than me to be there, I just want to be healthy and regain my confidence instead of always being self conscious all the time. Great Job! Keep up the good work!
    2183 days ago
    I totally understand feeling like the biggest person in the room. My perception of my own body has always been weird, I always felt like everybody was thinner than me... (almost everybody). I still don't own a mirror fearing to look at myself, but I think time has come and I will buy one and try to be nice to me, and try to see me as I am, thanks for your post and keep it up!
    2187 days ago
    Fantastic emoticon
    2191 days ago
    LOVED reading this! Thank you! =D
    2195 days ago
    It's great you got past it and moving on... It takes courage to be honest with your self. I know that you can succeed in moving forward.... emoticon and continue to strive hard you can do this....
    2197 days ago
    2201 days ago
    Good for you! Isn't amazing how much weight we have to lose from our brain before we realize how much we've lost off of our body? It's definitely 50/50!
    2201 days ago
    I apologize for being late in just now opening this - but still wanted to congratulate you and to thank you for the inspiration you have provided me with sharing your story. emoticon
    2202 days ago
    You have a way with words, thank you for sharing your success!
    2209 days ago
    Hey, Really enjoyed reading your post. I am looking forward to this kind of achievement. I'm just starting. I was a size 22-24 but my recent purchase of jeans was a size 20. Although I'm not sure they're accurate. Non belief what can I say? Anyhow it is so true what you said about it not being just the weight! Congratulations!
    2210 days ago
    Thank you! very inspirig. I have lost 25 out of 95 lbs so far. I am getting comments at work, positive ones. I almost thought they are just trying to make me feel better. I was also driving and noticed my face not so round. I am having a hard time noticing, due to always failing in the past. Its a new Spark Day!!!
    2210 days ago
    Congratulations on the results you are seeing from the hard work you are putting in. Its funny how I see myself the same way. I always feel bigger than other when it is not necessarily true all of the time. I have to say that Im really excited for you and to encourage you to continue on fighting the good fight.
    2212 days ago
    Congratulations!! Keep up the good work!
    2212 days ago
  • STRANGER70127
    Great to hear how good you are doing! Nice to see everyone getting back the energy that they missed out on for having been overweight. emoticon
    2212 days ago
    Great blog! I think many of us still see the "old Mrs BLT" in the mirror and it gets frustrating even though the scales have dropped and our clothes have changed so we get frustrated and quit because it doesn't make sense. (happened to me before...) A good reminder to clean shed the old mental vision as we shed the pounds.

    2212 days ago
    I really enjoyed your blog and can SO Relate to what your saying.. Keep up the good work, and by doing so you are also inspiring others.. like Me emoticon
    2213 days ago
    Very encouraging! Now I can't wait to see my collarbones! Thank you. emoticon
    2214 days ago
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts have gone through some of the same thoughts thinking I was larger than I am and need to readjust as the pounds come off and stay off
    One day at a time
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2214 days ago
    I've never heard it put so eloquently. Good for you!
    2214 days ago
  • ROLO13
    Very inspiring! I have a LONG journey in front of me (starting at size 26), and it is so encouraging to know that the changes aren't so far away after all. Thanks for sharing. Wishing you continued success!
    2214 days ago
  • KRISTA48439
    I remember having that same "Aha, I can see the difference!" feeling a while ago myself. I think we do have an inner vision of ourselves that lags with where we really are. I'm glad you've seen the new you!
    2214 days ago
    Way to go keep up the good work emoticon emoticon
    2215 days ago
    2215 days ago
  • BBYAS85
    Keep up the good work! emoticon
    2215 days ago
  • MYRAL85
    Great post. So much truth. The inside may even turn out to be harder. But I'll take the pounds off first. I'm good with that. LOL!
    2215 days ago
    How awesome!!! I do exercises during all my bathroom breaks, just haven't figured out how to login them on my fitness page yet.GREAT job!!
    2215 days ago
  • DANAK2011
    You're awesome. Keep at it!

    I've also enjoyed seeing my true face once some of the padding has gone away - the chin, cheek bones. There are other things still padded - so we keep at it, right?!

    Wishing you the motivation to keep going!
    2215 days ago
    Congratulations. I agree with you fully. I have lost 80 pounds and in spite of huge changes in the size of clothing and others compliments, it has taken longer for me to finally see it in the mirror and register in my mind. It happened just a couple of weeks ago and it feels wonderful!
    2216 days ago
    It IS wonderful when our clothes start fitting looser and our sizes change, but you hit the nail on the head about our new body image. It does take time for our mind to accept the new image.
    So, happy to hear you have a supportive hubby! Keep up the good work.

    From: Still the largest person in the room.
    2216 days ago
    Yes it is awesome to begin seeing the changes we are making in our lives. WTG and keep doing good for yourself.
    2216 days ago
  • DEBORAH19531
    That is awesome! Congratulations!
    2216 days ago
    2216 days ago
    That's fantastic! I know what you mean! I used to have a really bad self-image that didn't go away even when I lost weight!

    2216 days ago
  • MUNKA7
    2217 days ago
    Awesome! Congratz and keep moving in the right direction!
    2217 days ago
    How lovely! I'm looking forward to my own experience of that reality.
    2217 days ago
    Way to go, it is surprising how all the sudden you notice little things. Keep up the good work and be nice to yourself. We are all cheering for you, you give us inspiration. emoticon
    2217 days ago
  • CMIX69
    Congrats! Keep focused and you'll get there.
    2217 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2217 days ago
    Keep on keeping On !!!! emoticon emoticon

    2217 days ago
    Wow! Congratulations! And thanks for some much needed inspiration.
    2218 days ago
  • SPIFY54
    Congratulations for starting and continuing! Today I committed to tracking every morsel that passes my lips and to exercise every day. I too am on a journey of discovery. Thanks for sharing your journey with me.
    2218 days ago
    Thank you for your inspiration. I am going to start doing squats when I go to the bathroom. emoticon emoticon
    2218 days ago
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