Thursday, December 08, 2011
March 6, 1990; I discovered I had a dark side. It goes by the name of SCROOGE. Why that particular date? This is the day my daughter Kelsey's name was added to God's list of Angels. Another soul to watch over us.
The holiday seasons, birthdays and other events throughout the year have always brought me down. I never got to hear of her experience on that first day of school. Telling me about some boy she liked. Graduating from JR. High and High School. No 16th or 18th birthday parties. No asking to use the car. Wondering what sports she would have participated in. Maybe she would have loved art and baking like me, music like her brother, or spending time outdoors with her dad. I will never experience those talks that a mother and daughter share. Missed days of baking and cooking with my daughter and giving her recipes that she could share with her own family. There will never be a wedding, a son-in-law, grandchildren or great-grandchildren.
I wonder everyday what kind of person she would have grown up to be. Would she have had blonde hair like her brother? Hazel or blue eyes? Would she be tall like her brother or average like her parents? What would be her favorite color? TV show? Would she be laid back like her dad or have a temper like her brother and mom? Would she have gone on to art or business school or maybe started her own company and moved to the cities? Maybe she would have loved animals and became a farmer like her great-grandparents. I know without a doubt she would have been a good girl and no matter what Kelsey did, she would have made us proud. I know that my son Brad would have been the protective big brother. A brother that she could look up to.
There is a big part of my heart that died with my daughter and I know I can never get it back. I have had 21 years to cope with my loss. The hurt and loss gets easier as the years go by but the pain still remains. I have heard so many times, "Everything happens for a reason. God has a plan." I wish I knew what it was and why.
So I go on with my life. Baking those Christmas cookies, decorating the house, buying gifts for everyone else, when deep inside all I hear BAH-HUMBUG.