I've finally broken out of my "wanting to lose weight but not actually creating a calorie deficit" mode. You know those people that talk about losing weight as they eat cookies and bagels?? That was me. I wasn't out of control or anything, but there's a reason why I hadn't lost any weight since July. In reality I climbed back up a few but never changed my ticker. Because that ticker is sacred and changing that is serious business.

I'm at 145 and have been for a few weeks now so I know it's the real deal. I should be happily jumping up and down. I'm not. Here are my problems:
When will it be enough? My original goal was 155. Then I moved it to 150. Then 140. I'm pretty darn close yet I still see lots of areas that need shrinking & toning. Will I feel content at 140? The only way to know is to get there, right?!

Clothing. Nothing fits. Nothing fits! I am annoyed every time I look in my closest. I don't have tons of cash to drop on a new wardrobe right now. But I seriously need one bra to fit perfectly. And one pair of jeans. Just one. And if you let me get greedy, I'll say I want a super pretty comfy green sweater. And a gray infinity scarf. And some new tall brown boots. And and and...See what happens?
(I put running gloves, a beanie and yoga pants that actually fit on my Christmas list. Fingers crossed!)
And I know this is a good problem to have. Baggy jeans, loose tops, even my workout clothes are too big. Good problem, but still a problem.

Running is not cheap. And I want new gear! Do I spend the little $ I have on good running tights that will get mega miles this winter and a warm neck warmer thingie OR do I get the bra and jeans?

And I am vain and materialistic and feel kinda silly worrying about these things. But man, you should see these boots I have my eye on.

Totally unrelated, but a story I want to hash out somewhere so I figure Spark is the perfect place.
I'd noticed an unknown number on my cell a couple of times in the past few weeks. Just missed calls, no messages. For whatever reason I answer yesterday when I see the number again. Well, it was my total loser jerkface ex-boyfriend. I've been married 5 years. DH and I were together for over 2 years before we got married. So this guy is from awhile ago. We're not Facebook friends. He lives in another country. He don't talk or email. There is zero relationship. The relationship we did have 8 years ago was dysfunctional and abusive.

I ask why he's calling. He says he wants to talk. Really? Talk? It's been 8 years. (OK, fine. 5 years. he called once after I got married.)
What do you want?
He wants to see how I'm doing.
ummmm, seriously?
I'm good. I'm happily married and have two awesome kids.
He asks if I can Skype him when I get home.
HELLLL NO. And that's what I said. I asked, "What's the point? What do you want?"
He tells me, "Don't be like that. I just want to see what you look like after having 2 babies."
With all the "I am woman, hear me roar- attitude I got I say, "I look good. I'm training for a marathon. I run all the time. I look GOOD." click.
wow, that felt amazing. And now it's time to change my cell phone number.