Wednesday, December 07, 2011
I recently, after about 5 weeks of MOSTly consistent eating habits and good exercise, lost 5-7 pounds and 1 full inch off my waist. In the past 7 days (give or take) I THINK I have all but erased that progress. Is that possible? Without bingeing? Can someone eat enough to erase that kind of progress without it being a binge?
Anyway, I stepped on the scale as my bloated, fully clothed self tonight and saw my scary number. A number that my bloated self wouldn't have reached on a bloated night a week ago. I take two steps forward and 7 steps back and it is SO frustrating!
I worry a lot that I'm never going to do this. When I'm doing well I feel so positive that I'm finally changing, but somehow I always end up back here with my weight back on after barely making a dent and it makes me think I'll never find peace with food.
But you know what else? I can also admit to myself that I simply wasn't trying. If I want this, I need to fight harder and I need to not stop fighting. I cannot let my guard down after a few pounds lost. I cannot let my boyfriend telling me I'm sexy and crazy for thinking otherwise make me forget that it's not so much my body that needs fixing as it is my relationship with food.
I tell you...a little bit of convincing from him that I can indulge in pizza, rum, chips, etc one night, and I'm guilt eating for a minimum 2 days (in this case, though, it's been a week!).
I'm not blaming him in any way shape or form. I'm here to tell myself that I know what I need. In my heart, I know the reason why I want to focus on good eating habits. I need to make choices based on how I feel and how I'll react once the decision is made.
I NEVER regret turning down food. Never.
I want a plan. First of all, I'm proud to say I have almost made it 30 days binge free thanks to 3 day wins. Some people might call my eating bingeing, but as off the wagon as I feel, I do not feel I have binged.
So I am continuing on with my BF streak, but I need something more. I'm going to get my school work done tonight and then I'm going to write myself a plan. And I WILL stick to my guns (as a spark friend told me to do!!) because I'm tired of letting myself down and being too easy on me!