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Dead & Buried

Saturday, December 03, 2011

I came across something this week that I didn't think existed... the "before" pictures. Most people who know me also know that I have always avoided having photos taken of me. And, I'm sure my disdain of personal photos grew significantly when I was obese. But, I haven't always been fat, yet there is still relatively little photographic evidence of my existence, even during my thinnest years as a vegan shortly after college. Anyway, just a week or two ago, I was ruminating about how it would have actually been nice to have "before" pictures of me (when I was at my all time heaviest weight). I realized that there would probably be no proof of where I had been or exactly how far I have come, but I might be able to find something fairly close. I think I looked for a few minutes, but didn't come up with anything. And then, I forgot about it.

Fast forward to a couple nights ago. My partner and I were watching TV and poking around on our laptops. He said something to the effect of "Oh My God, look at this!" I turned toward his laptop and my mouth dropped as he toggled between different photos from earlier this year. Most of the photos were from my grandma's funeral or related activities in late March. I was the same weight then as when I started SparkPeople on May 9th.

I never thought I would be glad to see that there were some awful pictures of me taken at my heaviest. And, inside, it is still bittersweet. Maybe the reason I don't like photos taken of me is because I never feel like the photos represent the "me" that I feel like I am. Even at my heaviest, I still felt thinner inside. Only passing the mirror or being easily winded from light activity would remind me of the condition I was in. As I continue to lose weight each week, I celebrate the fact that the true "me" is starting to look back at me in the mirror.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    emoticon Way to celebrate that the true you is starting to look back at you in the mirror. Keep up the great work.
    2199 days ago
    "Even at my heaviest, I still felt thinner inside."

    The other day I pulled up some pictures from June of this year because that was when I was my heaviest, and I pointed at one and asked my husband, "Do I still look that big?" He kind of laughed and said no. We went back and forth about it for a minute because I was really unsure, and he told me to just look in the mirror. That doesn't work for me. I have a slightly distorted body image (skewed positively) unless I see myself in a picture--that's when I can tell what I really look like.

    So that night I asked my husband to take pictures of me. I was sweaty and in my workout clothes and didn't intend to let anyone else see them. But they're there for me. Perhaps you could do the same? I think you would enjoy having the pictures for yourself of your progress.

    I'm glad you were able to unearth some pictures of yourself at your heaviest. Even though that isn't the "true" you, at least you can see how much you've accomplished on your journey!
    2200 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/4/2011 2:26:49 PM
    Thank you for sharing your story. You will excel at your goals and dreams.
    2200 days ago
  • PDQ1203
    2200 days ago
    "As I continue to lose weight each week, I celebrate the fact that the true "me" is starting to look back at me in the mirror."
    I love that. It's beautiful. I have to say I deleted everything I could find when I was bigger and so have nothing now to compare. I KNOW looking in the mirror that I have lost tremendous amounts but no concrete evidence. I'm pleased you have the comparison. It's great to see the inner beauty appear more and more on the surface.
    Well done.
    Brilliant work.
    2200 days ago
    Seeing pictures of myself at my heaviest was my wakeup call. I always managed to avoid actually seeing a full body reflection in the mirrors. I didn't save any of those pictures ...
    2200 days ago
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

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