Dead & Buried
Saturday, December 03, 2011
I came across something this week that I didn't think existed... the "before" pictures. Most people who know me also know that I have always avoided having photos taken of me. And, I'm sure my disdain of personal photos grew significantly when I was obese. But, I haven't always been fat, yet there is still relatively little photographic evidence of my existence, even during my thinnest years as a vegan shortly after college. Anyway, just a week or two ago, I was ruminating about how it would have actually been nice to have "before" pictures of me (when I was at my all time heaviest weight). I realized that there would probably be no proof of where I had been or exactly how far I have come, but I might be able to find something fairly close. I think I looked for a few minutes, but didn't come up with anything. And then, I forgot about it.
Fast forward to a couple nights ago. My partner and I were watching TV and poking around on our laptops. He said something to the effect of "Oh My God, look at this!" I turned toward his laptop and my mouth dropped as he toggled between different photos from earlier this year. Most of the photos were from my grandma's funeral or related activities in late March. I was the same weight then as when I started SparkPeople on May 9th.
I never thought I would be glad to see that there were some awful pictures of me taken at my heaviest. And, inside, it is still bittersweet. Maybe the reason I don't like photos taken of me is because I never feel like the photos represent the "me" that I feel like I am. Even at my heaviest, I still felt thinner inside. Only passing the mirror or being easily winded from light activity would remind me of the condition I was in. As I continue to lose weight each week, I celebrate the fact that the true "me" is starting to look back at me in the mirror.