Wednesday, November 30, 2011
As part of my push to do this right I've decided I need to be accountable. Ultimately I'm only accountable to myself, of course. But I believe that, this time, I need to be accountable to others around me, and I need to be vocal about it. I need to talk about what I'm doing, why I want to do it, why it's important, and why I deserve it. So today I committed to journaling my weight loss efforts for my employer's quarterly health and wellness newsletter.
This terrifies me, literally. But I read something the other day that resonated with me: given all of your options, with all other things being equal, choose the most difficult. For me, eating right is easy. Exercising is less easy but I can get in a groove and fall in love with working out. Putting myself out there, exposing myself - even my successes - is really, really scary. I can do it here on SP since we all have common goals and because I'm still anonymous here. Doing it in real life, with people I see several days a week and who might judge me...I'm petrified. But that's in part due to the shame I feel over my body's size. Despite knowing that there's no reason to feel ashamed, I do, and I feel worthless, too. By making my struggles public, by sharing my hard work, I'm saying, "Yeah, I'm fat. And I deserve better than to feel this way, and so does my body, and I want all of you to look at me and hear me and know that I know I'm worth this."
I have a month to prepare myself for the next newsletter article, but I'm starting my program now. I'm starting by eating right, and then I'll add exercise to the mix. I'm doing this because, for me, getting a handle on my eating is easier, and I need that small success. By January I'll have my plan in place and I'll be ready to share it with my coworkers. And I'll add 70 people to my support network. Who couldn't use more support?