Tuesday, November 29, 2011
...but the couch. My hip is KILLING me lately. I've tried staying off of it the past couple days but that's just not working. All I have to do is get through to Friday when I get my adjustment (and probably a stern talking to from the chiro for messing everything up again). This is putting everything up in the air and I'm P.O.ed beyond belief because this time last year I was having similar problems keeping me from running (I remember because I had great dreams of running the National Mall nearly every day...I did, but it nearly killed me and as soon as I got back all my problems really got started).
So, I'm focusing alright...on my Christmas list. And my eating. And anything and everything else so I don't have another mental breakdown about stupid injuries and stupid pelvises that are askewed (and the oh, so lovely thoughts in my head about why THAT might have happened). I can't help but get annoyed sometimes. Annoyed at myself. Annoyed at this body. I keep hearing everyone compliment me on my committment and I wonder if they realize how many times a day I consider just giving up.
Let's face it. You all have seen my face for a little over a year now. But this "journey" or whateverthefluck you want to call it has been going on since 2004. Sure, I wasn't consistent the whole time. But all that time fighting and still being here, still DREAMING of the 200's. *growls* SO ANNOYING! I feel like a failure most days. Eight years and THIS is what I have to show for it? It's ridiculous and I'm pissed at myself for not doing better.
I'm pissed that I can't seem to eat like a friggin' bird like some people who do it seemlessly. Why the fluck does my body think 1200-1500 calories is some sort of weird murder/suicide plot I have going on? Why is my body SO insistent upon taking this SOOOOOOOO SLOOOOOOOOW?! WTF, dude? Just give me a little, for crying out loud!
I know, I know...it's all up to me. I've got to do the work. Don't you think I tell myself that all the time? Yet it's me who is ruining all my hard work, and me who feels guilty afterward. It's me constantly feeling like it's me against the world. Me who is constantly drudging herself up this neverending hill just to reach a tiny foothold and get smashed back down again. Always churning - never getting anywhere. THIS is why I don't write the story of my life...because it would look ridiculously odd. Look, I did all this work, I fought and fought and after blood, sweat and tears....oh, crap...I'm right back where I started again. I'm the constant neverending joke in my own mind.
Okay, before you all get angry at me for being so negative, let me tell you that, for me, sometimes the negativity is a tool. When I hop on here with this inspirational, "I'm going to do this!!!" RAWR type post...I crash and burn. It's me against me again. Whatever. I've tried fighting it for years. I'll never win and always win. It's constant up and down. And at least, if you look at it over time (like a LOOONG time) I am actually getting somewhere...it's just ridiculously slow going. And I'm not just talking about my weight loss, but life in general. I'm having the same talks and arguments with people in my life I thought understood where I was coming from. WTF?! Not listening? Don't care? Don't get it? What is it? I'm having the same damn talks with myself too.
I know what I need to do. I do. And I do it about 85% of the time. It's the other (crap, I'm no good at math...) 15% (right?) of the time that's killing my progress. Two steps forward, one step back. Still moving forward, but it's frustrating as hell.
So I'm not coming on here to tell you all I'm going to be 100% on...to brag about how I CAN do it because I HAVE done it. WTF ever, dude. I'm going to tell you that I'm a friggin' mess right now, but I'm just barreling through and doing the best I can because there doesn't seem to be any other way...at least not for me. I got this, and I don't. I'm here, and I'm not. I'm a good friend, and a sucky one. I'm the perfect daughter, and the perfect example of a mother's worse nightmare. It's kinda amazing how I can be so many friggin' people at once, right?! Yeah, if you lived inside my head you would've shot me by now. I promise. I give myself so much grief and demand so much of myself, and then let everyone walk all over me and wonder why I end up getting hurt. I'm my own worst friggin' nightmare and enemy and my own best friend.
What I will tell you is that I walked to the market today. I haven't done that in so long. And I got Stuffed Pepper Soup, which is low fat and friggin' amazing and full of vegetables and chock full of yummy stuff like antioxidants. And I can tell you that I was extremely happy that the cupcake bakery next to my market was CLOSED and that I ignored the chicken salad in favor of my soup and a spinach salad with strawberries, oranges, cranberries, feta, and almonds (though I'll be picking out the onions - YUCK!). And I can tell you that, in my weak financial state, I didn't even spend a dime on lunch today because I finally used the gift certificate my friend gave me MONTHS ago. So that's what I can tell you. That and - my hip hurts, my head hurts (probably from the hip pain), my knees are screaming at me (because the hips are off), and I just want to crawl in a hole somewhere, but I don't know how to do that (though I've tried) because I hate myself for it.
Yep. That's all I gots. The plan for tonight is to do a 45 minute circuit training at the gym. Strike that. The plan is to GO to the gym and swipe my card and maybe change into my workout clothes and maybe walk up stairs and maybe turn on the program and see what I can do. That's the plan. It's a crappy one, but it's all I can commit to right now. That and spending the rest of my time wishing the pains would go away and wishing I could sleep for days on end. Yep. Later. Peace out and all that jazz.