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    HAFOWLER   6,484
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So.


Tuesday, November 29, 2011

It's been an eventful summer. After I hurt my foot in August, I pretty much just gave up on everything. Working again and dealing with my injuries just wiped me out emotionally, and gave me the perfect excuse just to not care about what I was eating or doing with my body. Honestly, I think for a few months (from August through about the middle of October), I was having a manic upturn -- since I'm Bipolar II, that means that "mania" isn't what it's typically understood as. It's more high energy, easy agitation, difficulty slowing down, and other behaviors that might qualify as "up" or a bit "hyper" more than anything.

So I was pretty much at my desk 12-16 hours a day working, and completely high on it. I was even forgetting to eat (which, really, isn't any better for my health than eating all the time with no control.). I don't think I lost any weight, simply because the meds I'm taking make it triply impossible to lose weight without triple the work. Anyway, right around the middle of October, I had a complete drop into depression. Those who also struggle with the condition know that sensation of plunging right off a cliff -- you're fine one moment, and the next, sometimes for no real reason at all, you're at the deepest bottom of a pit. Well, there I went, and there I've more or less stayed.

Being there really damages every area of your life. Like work. Before this depressive episode, I was cranking out tons of copy and articles, and loving it, making plenty of money. Now I'm begging for extensions for pretty much every project. I just don't feel like writing. I can't concentrate on the topic. I get anxious about having to cold call sources (for the paper). Every job I have to do now feels like a source of stress, which defeats the whole purpose of doing this kind of work -- it's part of why I had to leave the kind of work I was doing before.

What does all of this add up to? Not being able to leave the house. Being hungry all the time. The discovery of a truly scary symptom of compulsive eating I've never really dealt with before -- depending on food literally like a drug. When I have yummy food to eat or a delicious meal to look forward to, it lifts my mood substantially. When the eating is over, or there's no "good" food in the house... depression again. I would go so far as to say "despondency".

Addressing what's going on with me is going to be a lot more complicated this time than just "Eat right. Move more." And since I'm depressed, I feel so tired, I don't know that I have the energy or the will to do everything that needs to be done.

I know that I need to push forward. I need to turn to my Buddhist spirituality for strength. I know that I need to find support in the community, whether it be (further) therapy, Weight Watchers (when/if I can afford it), OA (there are skeptic/Buddhist/atheist groups online that may address my issues with the 12 steps), and do as much as I can to boost myself up in this long-term journey.

I'm not good at sticking to things. It's easy for me to be derailed, which is obvious from my long history here at Sparkpeople. I don't know. All I can do is hope and try. emoticon
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