The wagon is a bumpy ride
Thursday, November 24, 2011
I will be the first to admit that I've fallen off the wagon. I never made a follow up appointment to get my cortisol level checked, mostly because I just don't have the money. I started eating the same foods again and even though I've joined a gym I just don't seem to go. I'm sitting here this thanksgiving thinking about my life and how far away I am from what I thought I would be.
I got a promotion at work, though I won't see any raises until my review in June. Its nice to have a boss that believes in me and willing to give me a shot. Problem is the two other people that I am now leading don't seem to care much for me. I've never done anything mean to them, never trash talked them, but they can't seem to shut their mouths about how dumb I am, how I've gotten fat, how being named lead will go to my head and how lazy I am. When I was growing up I thrived on people hating me. I got a kick out of making people mad. I've grown out of that. Now I know I can't please everyone all the time, but I wish people would understand where I've come from and how much I've changed. I am really bothered by people noticing my weight gain. I'm not comfortable in my body, I've got little self confidence and it seems people want to feed off that. I go to work every day and work my butt off to do everything I can, taking on extra tasks and trying to learn something new every day. If they are upset that I got the lead position then perhaps they should have tried harder to get the position. Our boss says the lead position is not just handed out, its earned, through hard work, ideas and teamwork. I've done nothing but that... and I was rewarded with the job... now the trash talking continues. Why is it that I can't get away from that? Everywhere I work people think I'm a horrible person... yet, in my eyes, I'm the first one to sacrifice myself for someone else. I let others get their way. Arg, I'm frustrated and just want to cry... why can't I win?