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we nearly lost ayman today.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

i feel totally spent like a tyre that someone has let the air slowly out,my whole body aches and i feel alone.alone with my thoughts feelings and fears.ayman nearly died today and i am still tremberling i can not sleep.everyone else is sleeping but the sceene keeps playing over and over in my mind and i don´t want it too i want to put it back away into the deep recess of my mind,my soul like all the other such episodes that have happened over the years with my kids.it will happen eventually and i can tuck it up there with all the other episodes but as with them a little bit will stay never to go or hide away.the fear that one day i will loose one of my kids will never ever completely disappear.i thinki it is the same with all who have children.that fear is there it is just that we don´t always let it rear its head or we ignore it whatever.till something happens to bring it to the forefront when you can´t shut or push it away it is there larger than life,gripping,distorying,paral
ising and as i said bringing a feeling of aloneness with it.well that is how it seems to me like a bubble surrounding me that no one can break though at the precise moment the fear is on highest and when you least want to be alone.it is a place you don´t even want to be but you have no choice.it is there larger than life and bigger than life somehow.this is how it seems to me that the fear is mine and nothing can take it away in that second it is as if i am the fear,i am no longer me,myself,karen,wife and mother i am just feeling.all my senses are heighten,i am doing thinks automatic ,without thinking like i am a puppet and someone else is pulling my strings making me do the right things at the right time to see me through this time.this time it had a happy ending.ayman is still here and i am thankful for that very thankful but would be even more thankful that it didn´t happen in the first place that i didn´t have to go through this roller coaster of emotions,feelings in the first place,that i could sleep instead of being all wired up but at the same time spent and empty.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    oh my friend...I am here for you...I have felt the same way in the past when matthew was sick....life is so fragile....it is not something that we want to think about but it is something every parents thinks about...for some of us it has been more of a near reality than others....I am so sorry that you had to go through this...I hope and pray that he is ok now and that you don't have to ever go through that again....
    2210 days ago
    thnx for your comments on my SP...wr're all in this struggle together & i appreciate the support
    2216 days ago
    Hope your spirits are up with the joy of the season
    2217 days ago
    congrats on your new workout clothes---use in good health emoticon
    2227 days ago
    thanks for your comment on my blog--i actually lost weight at the party--houp you're doing well
    2228 days ago
    Karen I hope you are feeling better. I can totally understand the feeling. Lately my dd2 has asked me if she can go home while we are sitting at our table. I look at her and can not imagine my life without her in my physical presence. Praise God Ayman is still with you. Please take a deep breath.
    2228 days ago
  • JUDITH1654
    I can't even imagine how that feels and am so sorry you had to go through that. I will be lifting your family up in prayer and pass it along to my praryer group as well.
    2232 days ago
    Inshallah he is better now
    do not forget duaa
    2234 days ago
    It IS a worry of all parents, I believe...whenever a child is ill or anytime they are away from us!

    I really believe (you know I am a serious student/teacher of A Course in Miracles) that in REALITY there is no death. BUT while we are 'living' in this illusion it is VERY HARD to feel that way.

    You know what happened to me last week? I have been having lots of worries in the back of my mind (no...the middle of my mind)...part of my job is to pass out mail from customers to the caseworkers handling their case. I looked down on a form I was about to give a caseworker...the customer's name was Barbara Floyd. Neither of those names is that popular anymore BUT BARBARA was my mama's name and FLOYD was my daddy!!!!!!!!!! I think they were letting me know they are still around, still watching out for me and helping me.

    I pray for you and your little ones, dear. You have lots of friends here who do.

    Keep us updated.

    2236 days ago
    don't give up hope, inshallah everything will be okay
    2236 days ago
    Thoughts and prayers with you and your family Karen - you all have been through so much. Hugs.
    2241 days ago
    Oh Honey! I am so sorry. I can't even imagine what that feels like. Many, many, many HUGS!!
    2242 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    2242 days ago
    hope u r feeling better emoticon
    2243 days ago
  • MUSIC66
    omg that must of ben scary glad he is ok emoticon
    2244 days ago

    Comment edited on: 11/25/2011 8:23:48 PM
  • DEE797
    So glad that Ayman is still with us. Thoughts and prayers for you and your family during this difficult time. It is hard when something like this happens, as Moms our thoughts are never far from our family and especially our children. Try putting your thoughts and fears down on paper, to get them out of your head and hopefully that will help you to rest. emoticon emoticon

    2244 days ago
    I'm sorry about what happened. Almost losing someone is very scary. I wish you all the best. emoticon
    2244 days ago
  • MOMS100
    I know how scary it can be to nearly lose a son. Thank God Ayman is ok! And peace to you, Karen. emoticon

    2244 days ago
  • PATJ7084
    Thank god Ayman is ok now, be strong and take as good care of yourself as you do of your family emoticon emoticon
    2244 days ago
    I am so glad that Ayman is okay. So sorry that you had to go through all this. My love & prayers are with you as always.
    2244 days ago
    I am thankful that Ayman is still with us.
    You and yours are in my thoughts and prayers.
    emoticon emoticon
    2244 days ago
    looks like the angels are looking out for you & your family emoticon
    2244 days ago
    Keeping you in our thoughts and prayers. HUGS!
    2244 days ago
    Karima, I pray you get some rest and sleep soon. One day at a time I hope you feel better glad to hear your son is alright.
    2244 days ago
  • 4BOYZ4ME
    So glad he is okay. Keeping Ayman, you, and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
    2244 days ago
    Pleased to hear that Ayman is okay, and it is only natural to be wired up for a while afterwards (as you already know from the past) Try to rest when you can.
    Give thanks in your prayers, and I will pray for you as well to be strong and find some peace and rest
    sue emoticon
    2244 days ago

    Comment edited on: 11/25/2011 1:54:08 AM
    Oh my gosh, how awful! Try to get some rest and be good to yourself.
    2244 days ago
    I am glad he is still alive as well. I will pray for peace for you and for the ability to sleep.
    2245 days ago
    Alhamdolellah that Ayman is OK, give sadaqa that he is Ok
    2245 days ago
    What happened? And yes, I do think all parents have that fear of loosing their child. I know I do, but haven't felt it's extremeness often yet. I hope I don't have to feel that extremeness for a long time to come. Glad your son is okay, and I hope you are getting better too.
    2245 days ago
  • --MAY--
    Words can not express how happy I am that your son is OK!! Having gone thru the death of one of my kids, the one thing that kept me going was just puttting on foot in front of the other. That automatic Pilot we all have is amazing!!
    Just just keep on keeping on.
    You can not et fear guide you! You have to take back your power!! I know you can do it! Good luck!! I will keep you and yours in my thoughts and prayers,
    And remember to give your loved ones A big Kiss and Hug everyday...
    2245 days ago
    Ooh My Poor Lovely Friend !!
    My heart goes out to you love .... I am so glad Aymen has been spared and is still with you .
    I take he had a really bad asthma attack .
    I understand what thoughts are going through your head, I think it is every mothers nightmare , where your children are concerned !.
    Try to have a nice warm drink of milk and relax ..
    Sending you love and comforting hugs my friend ..
    Love Susie emoticon emoticon
    2245 days ago
    Alhamdulillah that Ayman is ok Karima.What a horrible experience!!!! I will keep you both in my duaa inshaaallah. emoticon
    2245 days ago
    I am so thankful that Aymen is ok... and pray that you would find God's peace today... and rest in His care. (((hugs)))
    2245 days ago
  • ~ELLE~
    emoticon Karen, keeping you & your family in my thoughts and prayers. Glad Ayman is ok.
    2245 days ago
    He is alive and that is the focus. We all are helpless in matters like these but faith, hope and strength are what pulls each of us through. At this time your strength is very much needed. dig down and pull on that and you all will be better for it . YOU CAN DO IT !
    2245 days ago
    Hugs life is precious!!!! Ur child is blessed to have such caring mom.
    Once u shake it off, live life to fullest

    My mom died young, 55. Grandma still living....she took it the hardest.
    A friends Sis in law died from cancer, 36 leaving husband and 2 and 4 yr old!!
    My uncle in law diagnosed with C has a yr or two, stage 4
    2245 days ago
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