Wednesday, November 23, 2011
It seems like forever since I've been on here. I'm so sorry that I haven't been checking in and keeping touch with all of my spark friends. Hopefully you'll all forgive me! :)
The past 10.5 weeks have gone by so fast. I have to admit that it's been the most exhausting 10 weeks of my life, but it's also been the most incredible at the same time. For my entire existence, I've been terrified to become a mother because of my experience with my own. I was certain that I just wasn't born with a "mother gene". I never felt comfortable around kids. I never wanted to hold babies, never wanted to play with them, just felt completely awkward and honestly, felt that if I never had kids, I'd be fine with that. And then Adelyn came along. I never knew a love like this could exist. In many ways, I feel like my life didn't truly begin until she came into my world. I now know the meaning of a mother's love. Although this makes me even more angry with my own mother, because having my own daughter, I just can't fathom not telling her I love her everyday, not wanting to know how her day was, or not knowing her favorite bedtime story or lullaby. I can't imagine not caring what her favorite color is, what her favorite ice cream flavor is, or why she's totally in love with the boy who sits behind her in Algebra. I have come to accept that I will never have this with my mother and know that I WILL have this with my daughter.
I came back from my maternity leave this past Monday. Man, it was difficult to leave my little lady bug. Thankfully, my husband had Monday and Tuesday off, so he watched her and brought her to see me during my lunch hour. He's a pretty spectacular husband and is definitely an incredible father. Today was the first day I had to drop her off at Dakar. Those poor Dakar workers. I'm sure I'm not the first mother to sob as she left her child at Dakar, but it definitely felt like it. Thankfully, the Dakar is only a block from my office, so I'll be making regular visits on my lunch hour...and some sneak attacks just so I know they're taking good care of my baby! :)
So, I'm now back at work full time. This of course means that I'll have much more time to Spark and reconnect with my spark friends. This also means that I need to get serious about getting healthy again and getting back into shape. I'm not sure how to get even a sliver of that motivation back that I used to have, but I do hope that by being back on here, that I'll be inspired again. I stopped weighing myself towards the end of my pregnancy, but I'm guessing I ended up around 215. The few weeks following delivery, I had lost about 30 pounds due to the craziness of being a new mother and some medications I was on for the complications I was having. Sadly, all of those 30 pounds didn't stay off. After my appetite returned (as well as the uncontrollable snacking), I have put about 10 back on. I'm sitting around 190. Ugh. I have a long way to go from where I was before I got pregnant. Sometimes it seems like it will take forever and I get so angry with myself that I let it happen. I certainly didn't need to gain 85 pounds during my pregnancy. I look at pictures from before and want to be that person again. I look at pictures from the present and am so sad and unhappy with what I see. But, all I can do is start. I want to feel like I did last summer when I was in the best shape of my life and actually ran a half marathon. I want to feel like I'm healthy again. I want to set a good example for my daughter someday and want to have tons of energy to play with her. I did it before and I know I can do it again.
So I'm asking for some help from all of you. I'm asking that I can reconnect with all of you and get inspired by all of you like I've done in the past. I can't say that it's going to be a perfectly smooth road ahead, but I'm hoping that I'll be able to gain some momentum along the way.