Monday, November 21, 2011
I have found, at least for myself, that when I get happy that continuing the battle with my weight becomes exponentially difficult. Please tell me I am not alone.
It's happened before, I am trucking along, I am doing great, I am basically kicking a$$ and taking names at the weight loss thing. I am honed, focused. I am an animal, and nothing can take me down. The things in my life improve, I start to feel healthy, and happy. It's usually about this time that I notice that as I am feeling better about myself, the rest of my life starts to improve as well. I make new friends. I meet someone special. I begin to improve socially. And that's when it happens...my focus slips, or maybe that's the wrong way to describe it, it doesn't slip, the beam of focus starts to encompass not just my weight loss journey, but also my social life. And I don't think I am alone when I say, having a social life and losing weight is HARD. Inevitably, I wind up gaining weight. Slipping back into old habits because I am enjoying my happiness. I am letting life be really good to me.
I am back there again. Since February of 2011 I have been gradually and steadily becoming more and more happy with my life. I fell in love. I got married. I added half a dozen amazing friends to my existing friends that I hope I will have for life. I am even happy with my waitressing job, which coming from a tech background, I never thought I would enjoy let alone excel at. I am so happy. I feel like it's shining out of my pores. If you look directly at me you might be blinded. This is even with the waiting for immigration paperwork, and still not having a 40 hour a week career, or medical insurance. I remain, happy, hopeful.
Yet...my weight is suffering. I haven't weighed myself since my honeymoon when my diet officially went off the rails. We stayed in a bed and breakfast where a five course dinner was included every night. We ate, slept and well you know for four days, and since that moment I have been just living. I even had a moment where I thought "I can do whatever I want". And I have been. I've started eating late at night, blaming it on working nights. I've justified eating an entire 1.5L of ice cream in one day, when I never used to do that even before I lost the weight. I know I am gaining because my clothes aren't looking right.
I am happy, but the voice in my brain is starting to whisper I don't look good. I've stopped putting makeup on because I don't see the point in trying to pretty myself up. Even my wedding ring is starting to feel a little snug. I feel like I am drowning inside myself again. I know it's not extreme yet, but the way I've been feeling toward food, and with the holidays coming up...I am scared.
When I get scared like this, I also get defiant...instead of it making me turn toward all the good habits I've created, I get like a sullen teenager. It's like I literally have an angel and a devil on my shoulder and the devil wins. I don't exercise...I eat more than I should...and not a little more, a lot more...I've never been a binger, but dear god...I might be creating one.
I don't know how to be happy...and also be focused on my weight loss. I've never successfully done both. I feel like I am going to kill my happiness if I continue down this path, but I also don't know how to get off this path...
I am going back to what I know...I am counting calories again. Measuring, and planning. I hope it's enough to shock me back into my good habits. I hope I have the strength.