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    A_RARE_BEAN   46,644
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Startin' Over

Sunday, November 20, 2011

I've been gone, and it's been tough.

I fell into a pit of despair and old thinking habits which has been extremely difficult to get out of. I've cried so much my eyes literally feel too heavy to lift lol and it's been a full week now emoticon

Today is a fresh start for me... well more likely next weekend..

Why next weekend, well that's when the ex has promised to finally severe all financial ties between us. It's been hard accepting that someone I cared for for 6 years is an emotionally abusive person. The way they get inside your mind to make you think it really was your fault all along.

Although he left to live in NY I still had accounts I use that were in his name, and I've been trying to change this over the past month after he was cruel to me yet again. It's not been easy talking to him, in fact it's made me feel pretty useless and worthless and I'll be glad when this is done and I can cut him out and no longer speak to him at all. He's not making it easy, dragging this out like a chief, guess some people like to maintain a hold on you even though you've backed right away. I rarely talked about how abusive he was, just because I guess i felt it was my fault (classic), tried to concentrate on the good i guess.

I feel drained and don't ever want to give someone that kind of power over me again. I've even had to start taking anti anxiety meds, that's how badly I was dealing with trying to sort this. There's only so many times you can be told what a horrendous person you are emoticon

I want to pick myself back up again, get of the anxiety meds, and restart looking for work and getting somewhere with my life :o)

What better place to start that than good ole spark!!!

I worked out today first time in ages, my eating has been sporadic but I'm the same weight 178lbs. I mainly just want to feel better in myself so I'm not setting weight goals or anything.

Maybe will do the report card thing again to make sure I'm feeling better whilst working on emotionally putting it back together.

So lets see, previous report cards were to get/do

emoticon = 8 glasses of water


emoticon = 5 fruits/veggies


emoticon = 30mins cardio

emoticon = 30 min walk


emoticon 1 daily affirmations/reasons for success

No goals, just gonna see the lay of the land by next week, I just want to feel better emoticon
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TEXASFILLY 12/17/2011 6:32PM

    Hey dear heart~ *hugs* I'm so sorry I've lost track of you, and am so late responding to your blog. *hugs* I hope things are better for you now, and that you've cut that sorry rascal outta your life. ACK! No time or room for that in your precious life! Please be in touch~ we're out of school for two weeks and I'd love to catch up with you. God bless you, sweetness~ *hugs* BB~ emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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NIGHTSRAINFALL 11/22/2011 7:09AM

    Welcome back. Sorry to hear about the guy drawing things out when it's not wanted. Maybe there is a way to move it faster without him?

I'm pretty much in the same boat in regards to weight and starting over. Hopefully we both stick with it, if nothing else we are learning here and there as we go.

Good luck - It's nice to hear from you again?

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CHOUBROU 11/20/2011 9:44PM

    I'm sorry to read about the bad bad relationship...that's a really tough situation! But in the end, it's better to sever ties. Eventually with time things will get better, even though it doesn't feel that way now!

It's never too late to begin again with the wellness goals. Don't give up! There's a lot to learn in the journey.



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ABISMITHY 11/20/2011 9:37PM

    I'm sure you'll start to feel better about things soon, Bean! Good idea with the report cards (I liked reading those before!).

You can do this! It's great that you maintained and you can just pick up where you left off.

You can do it!!!!

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