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photo albums and a tough truth

Thursday, November 17, 2011

I went and got out the photo albums that my mom made for me when I graduated from high school. They span from my baby pictures to the seventh grade. I wanted to look through my pictures and see if there was a time when I really started to look more overweight like I do now. I was fortunate enough to have a very healthy childhood and I wanted to know why that changed.

I'm not sure why it changed, but I do remember first being conscious of my weight in the fifth grade. Looking back on those pictures, I still looked like a healthy normal weight kid. I could see the changes started when I was in the seventh grade. This was a time when I was involved in volleyball and soccer. I developed these larger than average muscular thighs that have stayed with me until this day. Over the next five years of eighth and high school, I gained about ten pounds a year, even though I was playing lots of sports and even though the rest of my family was slender. That's still the case; my family is slender and I deal with, well... not being slender. I think fifth grade was the turning point; it started to matter what I weighed; we paid attention to each others' changing bodies. Oh dear, This American Life should have talked about that in their recent episode about the horrors of middle school.

I think the truth of it is that I need to stop this awkward feeling I have about my body. I can change by losing weight and working out; I can change for the better. I don't have to be the same as my family or the other girls from middle school. I can stop comparing myself and start simply SEEING what is going on with my body, as its own entity. When I was in middle school my mother used to always say that I would have an advantage over these other girls when I grew up because I was already having to deal with weight issues in middle school; I was ahead of the learning curve. But really, I think what I was really learning was how to judge myself into a state of emotional distress based on the bodies of other people. I was learning that not every body is beautiful, and honestly, that was something I wouldn't have minded NEVER learning. Hopefully, by recognizing this unhealthy thinking in myself, I slowly (I know it won't happen over night) can see myself in my own way and, if I want, change things because they are good for ME.

I wish the same confidences in all of YOU too, spark people! Thanks for your support!
-ARENIMTHIA emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I think I'm more conscious on my face than the overall body image as I always have issue with my skin (at least, the face part). Just recently, I finally able to get a better complexion, make me feel more confident :D

    It's good you have learned something good, hope you will be more confident with your image and no matter what other people say (positive or negative), in the end, your own opinions is more important as it comes from deep inside!
    2291 days ago
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