Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Big dose of honesty. Not fitness related. Personal.
I havenít taken the time to write about this bc I am at a loss of words and there really isnít a simple way to put it out there. My marriage is a wreck, we just stopped getting along and being in love and I havenít any idea how it happened, we've simply lost our balance. I know there are many problems in the equation and I just donít have the answer. We donít take enough time for ourselves let alone each other as husband and wife. I know money is tight, I know my husband is unemployed and we are without insurance. I know he is a student and that dictates my entire life. I know I am overwhelmed as a mother bc I NEVER get a break and have no support system in Texas. I know the conflicts w my in laws ripped away a lot of confidence my husband and I had in each other. I know my husband gave up before I did and it makes me angry.I know I stopped wearing my ring bc it made me feel sick to see it on my hand. I fought the fight for us alone and it just resulted in him pulling further away. In the last 3 months Ive just stopped trying too, why? Well, there I am conflicted. Usually I would raise hell, demand he step up and love me more, play video games less, take me on dates. Id fight until neither of us could take it any longer. Not from anger, but passion. But since he has really just given up, I can no longer be the only one fighting to keep us together. We have talked and mainly he claims we donít have any options so we are Ďstuckí remaining married(not exactly what a girl wants to hear). I donít want to be with someone who feels Ďstuckí w me. I donít want to be with someone who wonít try. BUT there will always be a part of me that wants to remain the young passionate lover fighting the fight. I feel doing this would only result in anger, pain, and anguish. I see as the mother to his child that Iíd rather end things now and be capable of being amicable vs. enemys. I hate having to step back and be an adult ab this. I want so badly to throw a tantrum every time I feel I am getting the short end of the stick. Ive realized if we werenít involved romantically I wouldnít feel so slighted. I could just excuse myself and be me without the hurt. I actually believe we make a better team than husband and wife, our daughter is a shinning example of what good we can accomplish together. Both of us are such great dedicated, involved parents I cannot fathom either of us not earning the right to have our daughter in our home. I do believe we would do great as roommates. I see all the challenges that would bring in the long term. But my self-respect is shouting at me that those challenges are more fitting of what I deserve than the constant insult of being a wife to someone who simply refuses to try. I have reached out and spoken to my Ďsecond momí who is also a pastor, who also married Todd and I ab this and she is finding local resources as well as a few good reads and I am willing to do whatever Todd is most comfortable with, unfortunately I believe he will most likely choose to not except outside help and the cycle of unhappiness will continue.
Probably the only way this personal blog correlates to spark people is that Ive lost over 50 lbs the healthy way and continue to do so. My husband hasnít taken me on a date since my daughter was 2 weeks old when I weighed 210 lbs, she is almost 2 now and I weight 156lbs. I know it sounds weak compared to all I just wrote but itís hard for me to feel beautiful or attractive when the one man I interact with doesnít make me feel like anything special. Its very superficial but Iíd love to be taken out and shown off, after all I have worked really hard for it.
If you've taken the time to read this, thanks I guess. I know it isn't sp material. I just felt I should be honest here with what Im going through. so there it is.