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Personal Blog.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Big dose of honesty. Not fitness related. Personal.

I haven’t taken the time to write about this bc I am at a loss of words and there really isn’t a simple way to put it out there. My marriage is a wreck, we just stopped getting along and being in love and I haven’t any idea how it happened, we've simply lost our balance. I know there are many problems in the equation and I just don’t have the answer. We don’t take enough time for ourselves let alone each other as husband and wife. I know money is tight, I know my husband is unemployed and we are without insurance. I know he is a student and that dictates my entire life. I know I am overwhelmed as a mother bc I NEVER get a break and have no support system in Texas. I know the conflicts w my in laws ripped away a lot of confidence my husband and I had in each other. I know my husband gave up before I did and it makes me angry.I know I stopped wearing my ring bc it made me feel sick to see it on my hand. I fought the fight for us alone and it just resulted in him pulling further away. In the last 3 months Ive just stopped trying too, why? Well, there I am conflicted. Usually I would raise hell, demand he step up and love me more, play video games less, take me on dates. Id fight until neither of us could take it any longer. Not from anger, but passion. But since he has really just given up, I can no longer be the only one fighting to keep us together. We have talked and mainly he claims we don’t have any options so we are ‘stuck’ remaining married(not exactly what a girl wants to hear). I don’t want to be with someone who feels ‘stuck’ w me. I don’t want to be with someone who won’t try. BUT there will always be a part of me that wants to remain the young passionate lover fighting the fight. I feel doing this would only result in anger, pain, and anguish. I see as the mother to his child that I’d rather end things now and be capable of being amicable vs. enemys. I hate having to step back and be an adult ab this. I want so badly to throw a tantrum every time I feel I am getting the short end of the stick. Ive realized if we weren’t involved romantically I wouldn’t feel so slighted. I could just excuse myself and be me without the hurt. I actually believe we make a better team than husband and wife, our daughter is a shinning example of what good we can accomplish together. Both of us are such great dedicated, involved parents I cannot fathom either of us not earning the right to have our daughter in our home. I do believe we would do great as roommates. I see all the challenges that would bring in the long term. But my self-respect is shouting at me that those challenges are more fitting of what I deserve than the constant insult of being a wife to someone who simply refuses to try. I have reached out and spoken to my ‘second mom’ who is also a pastor, who also married Todd and I ab this and she is finding local resources as well as a few good reads and I am willing to do whatever Todd is most comfortable with, unfortunately I believe he will most likely choose to not except outside help and the cycle of unhappiness will continue.

Probably the only way this personal blog correlates to spark people is that Ive lost over 50 lbs the healthy way and continue to do so. My husband hasn’t taken me on a date since my daughter was 2 weeks old when I weighed 210 lbs, she is almost 2 now and I weight 156lbs. I know it sounds weak compared to all I just wrote but it’s hard for me to feel beautiful or attractive when the one man I interact with doesn’t make me feel like anything special. Its very superficial but I’d love to be taken out and shown off, after all I have worked really hard for it.

If you've taken the time to read this, thanks I guess. I know it isn't sp material. I just felt I should be honest here with what Im going through. so there it is.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Sending you a private message. I almost fell out of my chair reading this. Seriously, this could have been written by me about a year ago...
    2313 days ago
    First off, you are beautiful, even before your weight loss I thought that when I first "met" you. You have worked so hard to achieve the success you have, and yes, you do deserve to be taken out and shown off. Honey, it takes two to make a marriage work, it sounds like you have fought tooth and nail. I don't have any magic words to make it all better, I wish I did. I completely understand about just being frustrated about everything, because all the things that others may see as small things, aren't small things when you add them all up, especially when you talk until you're blue in the face about how things need to change, and they never seem to change. It's what ultimately led me to making the decision to end my relationship with Mike the end of August. I'm not saying that's necessarily the decision I'd make for you, because I can't in good conscious give that advice to anyone. It was just what I felt was best for mine and my children's situation. I guess I'm just trying to say that I understand, and I'm really sorry you're dealing with this.
    2314 days ago
    Siena...I am so sorry that you are going through this. I went through the exact same thing, opposite way though, when my oldest son was 2 years old. So, I have a lot of compassion for what you are going through.

    I have read the above blog three times now and finding the right words to say is never easy. No one wishes to go through what you are going through. What we hope for is to be loved unconditionally and to have our partners be present with us.

    Don't give up and never surrender if this marriage is important to you. Sometimes, it is all we can do to give and give in a positive way when we are not getting back anything in return. Be strong!
    2314 days ago
    Siena, I am sorry to hear your going through a tough time. I pray for you and your family that the Lord will assist you on what is best for you and your family. I do not understand why your husband would not take you out your beautiful and have accomplished so much. Keep your head up you will overcome this emoticon .
    2315 days ago
    Beautiful Siena, I'm going to tell you that it CAN get better but you are very right that it takes BOTH of you to make it work. I can also say with total certainty that spouses who chose to live together as roommates by and large rarely works. You cannot disconnect as husband and wife without an incredible resolve on both sides to do so and when I have seen this attempted by three different couples it made matters much worse for two of them and just was incredibly uncomfortable for the third.

    You in-law situation didn't help at all. I've read this in your blogs several times. I have been fortunate that I have amazing in-laws in this marriage and in my first marriage my ex-husband's parents were deceased so it wasn't an issue. But the lack of care shown by your husband goes deeper than his parents getting in the way. If he isn't into the marriage as much as he should be than he either needs a wake up call....or you do, my dear.

    If he won't agree to counseling than I pray you find the resolve, self-love and self-respect to move your beautiful new healthy body and that gorgeous baby forward and into a new life. Children are resilient and she will be fine with a good mommy and good daddy who just don't happen to be together. Do NOT settle for less than you deserve in a love relationship! Do NOT "be willing to do whatever Todd is comfortable with"....that isn't taking care of your needs at all, is it?

    I tried to make my first marriage work for WAY too long because I had two children with my exhusband. When I FINALLY got the courage up to end things with him I was so worried about the effect it would have on them. Months later my son commented that it was nice to see my eyes smiling again. Kids notice things, good and bad. Give your little one the best life possible by making sure you are giving YOU the best life possible. Happiness trickles does unhappiness. I'm praying for you to find the best solution for YOU. You deserve wonderful love and being treated like the treasure that you are. Sorry for this novel but I am passionate about things like this!
    2315 days ago
    Sorry to hear that your going thru this rough patch in your life right now Siena. You are a strong person and I hope that you and your family can make it thru this. We are all here for you.

    2315 days ago
    I'm sorry this is something you're going through. I don't know the whole situation and would therefore never try to offer any sort of advice. All I do know is that I've seen marraiges better in the long run by staying together, and I've seen them far better split apart. My parents, for instance, split when I was 14 and while it made my younger siblings very unhappy, I myself was very relieved because our home - both of them - was far happier once they were separate. I hope your husband finds the strength to do something other than just give up, no matter which direction that ends up being, because action is so much better than passive-aggressive behavior, or just passive behavior. I'm so sorry. :( *hugs*
    2315 days ago
    I am so sorry you are going through this, I have been there and know the feeling and it is horrible.
    I am glad you have your "second mom" around for advice.

    You and yours are in my thoughts and prayers,
    2315 days ago
    Good luck with staying focused and reaching your goals...

    You are OK... Imagine choosing to think nice things, do nice things and choose to feel nice. Practice nice... Changes your life into a nicer one... Simple stuff works - bit like the weight loss - it is so simple we try and make it complicated.

    Love is a funny thing isn't it - hope things work out for you and your family...
    2315 days ago
    I'm sorry you had to go through this. :(

    I have no advice only that I commend you for fighting for your marriage and taking the steps to become a healthier mom. You deserve feeling special and being taken out! You've come a long way on your weight loss and look great-beautiful-hot!

    Hope you begin to sort things out for your family.

    2315 days ago
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