Freaking out less trusting God more
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Every day is always a learning experiance. I am learning to trust God more and more. I don't think before this week, I would have thought I needed growth in this area. But I am kinda a worrier. And I have to say this pregnancy has really brought that side out of me. It is easy to trust God when you have some control or a sense of control. But weather I miscarry of not is basicly all up to God. Worring about it, or not worring about it, makes no difference, except, I am unpleasent to be around. :). I called my sister last night, and just told her, that I was going for my ultrasound on Thursday, and that I really needed her prayer. I had a couple sessions, of severe nausea followed by sheer panic attacks.. irocic that a symptom of my pregnacy would trigger panic about loosing it. I have to say, I am a little obsessed with the tenderness of my breasts. LOL I know CRAZY! But they just sometimes seem to not be as tender as I think they should. I remember reading a pregnancy book during my first pregnancy which they remarked breasts should be VERY tender. The things that stay in your head. But I still suffer from guilt beacuse in my frist pregnancy, I had been gradually noticing that, I was just feeling so much better. I was just so glad, that it felt terrible to know that was one of the first signs of miscarriage. I totaly missed it. I could just obsess over that. I have been a little but I am working on it. I am truly just saying, God's will. If I loose this baby it will be for a reason. Now I also know that I can get pregnant. That doctor, who said it would never happen again was wrong and insensative. In that light, I do have to say, I am still more scared than excited. But I think I am just more accepting of the fact I am pregnant. Last time, I was in such a state of dibelief, that by the time, I convinced myself, I was pregnant, I wasn't any more. I am surprised, but I feel I have a better perspective. My home is more settled than it was the first time. I have some baby things from my days teaching, and when I did some childcare. I feel I am more in touch with what a baby actually needs, rather than what most women want. I was looking at one of my good friends baby registry. I saw she had too big no nos on her registry, she had vaseline, and she had a walker. I didn't even think they made walkers anymore beacuse they are so unsafe. I would definatly go for an exercauser. They still get the practice standing, and moving themselves around. But you don't have to worry about them, rolling themselves down stairs, and crashing into things, and sending things crashing down on themselves! Or pulling things down on top of them. Plus if you need to go to the bathroom, etc, you can leave them alone for a minute or two. Vaseline, I hate, I learned about the danger of it, in my first childcare class. First if you know what it actually is, you would not put it on your baby's body! You wouldn't pour motor oil on your baby would you. Certain area of babys skin especially is absorbant into to the bloodstream. So it almost the same as eating it. Yum. Oh well, I was better able to eat today. I worked really hard yesterday, drinking more water, and that has helped imensly! Plus I don't have that horrifying dry mouth! My lips are still pretty dry. Maybe by tomorrow, they will be plumped back up. I wasn't able to eat all I really should yesterday. But I did my best to get lots of extra rest. I ended up when it came down to it, decided to not go to class last night. I wanted the exercise, but realized, with the calorie intake I had yesterday, that, it would have probably been to much. I am hoping today will be diffrent. I am doing my best to just trust God, that everything will be okay. I have to remember that many people miscarry, and go on to have healthy children. Just beacuse I had issues before, doesn't mean there will be any issue this time. I have to remember, to to ask the doctore, how much exercise, he recomends me getting. I have to say, I am not going to be able to wear my new swimsuit. ALl my new things, won't be fitting. Bummer. But it explaines why I had been noticing, that my jeans, I had been wearing for a couple of months, were tight around my belly. I was about 10- to almost 15 pounds less now, than when I was wearing them before. And according to the scale, I had notgained anything of note. I did notice that after a salty meal, I gained more water weight than I would normaly. Oh well, I am glad I had saved some of my larger pants. See there are blessing everywhere!