First things first, a confession. For breakfast I ate two cookies (NOT low fat low cal low anything cookies) and a tiny tiny slice of pie. Could've had fruit and yogurt, could've had oatmeal, could've had anyyy of the nice foods I bought at the store yesterday! But I didn't...and then worked out afterwards and felt badly about myself and hungry.
Now that the confession is out of the way, it's definitely worth noting the crazy, up and down, withdrawl like behaviour I've been having in the past 24 hours! My relationship with food is more than love/hate...its neeed it NOWW/despise it never wanna eat again. I wanted 3 bowls of the healthy tofu stir fry with brown rice for dinner. I wanted every snack food around. I literally felt hungry after every single meal I ate yesterday! Unsatisfied. To the point of crying. Saying I want to quit. Lying to Paul (and myself) saying that this whole thing doesn't matter. And then 5 minutes later I'm laughing and watching Dancing with the Stars. WHAT gives??
Yesterday I said to Paul, "I really don't remember this being this hard back in January!" (which was my first attempt at weight loss). His eyes got wide, he didn't say anything for a minute or so. And then he told me that he could remember everything about one night back in the winter when I had a breakdown about salt and vinegar chips. He said to me, "Remember how much you cried? And how I held you all evening? And how you said ALL you needed were those chips to be happy?". Huh...yeah...I guess that did happen.
Food withdrawl. Hunger, both emotional and physical. Fear of failure. Deprivation. These are all very real and very very extremely difficult battles I (and many others) are facing right in this moment. As I write this I want a second Amy's burrito for lunch...but I won't have it.
Energy. Happiness. Restful sleep. Warm muscles. Better blood pressure, blood sugar and cholesterol. Stronger mind. Satisfaction in knowing that your willpower is tougher than your need to eat junk and be lazy. Learning and practicing the habits that I will one day want to teach my children. These are all benefits that I had a taste of this past winter that FAR outweighed any one night with a bag of chips.
As I go through "food withdrawl" I will no doubt hear that voice longing for anything I want...and it will tell me that I NEED it. You know what I need to change that voice into? The voices of my future children who will learn that food is not the thing that makes them happy.
On another note, today is picture challenge Day 6 - A person you'd love to trade places with for a day...
Rachael Ray! Now there is a woman who loves food, exercises, and gets what she wants through lots of hard work. I would love to trade places with her for a day!