Monday, November 14, 2011
Good Morning Sparkpeople!
I woke up this morning feeling heavy. Heavy in weight (didn't have a great weekend food-wise), heavy in mind. Lately I have been going through a lot personally that has been weighing that mind down. I am trained as a Registered Nurse and spent three years working in the field. In the past year though, I haven't worked as a nurse, or at any formal job. As sad as it is for me to admit, health care burned me out. I loved it until I couldn't anymore and had to get out. I poured all the strength I had into my job. I've spent the past year struggling with creating a new identity for myself and trying to find that "thing" that I could tell people I do instead of saying "I'm a nurse".
Last night I had an unexpected talk, cry, vent with my husband about this topic. It's something that we've talked about a lot in the past before, but last night I felt for the first time in a year I was able to say what I felt on the inside that I haven't been able to express. Instead of working in the past year at a job, I have been working on myself. I have "gone to work" everyday looking for answers. What is my identity? What makes my life meaningful? What is my passion? Is there anything I could possibly think of doing that would have me excited to wake up happy more than I wake up tired? And most importantly, what could I do that would allow me to be proud of myself?
Not having that "thing" to identify with has been a major struggle. I sometimes still tell people that I'm a nurse, because it's easy to say. Sometimes I wish I could just "give in" and find a nursing job. I wish there wasn't shame (brought on by my personal beliefs) in admitting that I don't work. Last night though I decided with the help of my husband that this is the time that I am fortunate enough to have to repair myself. I've been working at putting the pieces back together that have been slowly breaking over the years. I've been finding out what get's me excited and happy in a way that isn't filtered by what I should be expected to enjoy. Recently I have been looking at Counselling as a profession. Had I not been able to take this year of discovery, I can guarantee I wouldn't have ever thought of this as something I could love. But I think it is.
I'm afraid, sparkpeople. Just like many of us are afraid of whether or not we are strong enough to lose weight, eat right, exercise (and that definitely includes me) I am afraid of failure in this too. And fear is one of those four letter words we all like to avoid. By writing all of this down, though, I am hoping beyond hope that I can finally start to put the work I've done this past year toward making myself happy again. I don't want fear to be my barrier anymore and now is my time to start breaking down that wall.
On another note, today is Day 5 of the picture challenge: your favorite animal. So here it is...
A dog! Dogs are amazing animals. All of us need a little extra love and comfort from a friend every now and then.